I know a couple of weeks ago we talked about our next IUI being in May but all of last week it just sat uncomfortably with me.
All of last week, when I was at yoga, I felt drained. I felt I wasn't doing my best and I felt distracted. I felt like I just wanted the session to end and I felt like I was going to cry halfway through each time.
I realized that our decision for our next IUI in May was just too soon for me. It was causing me anxiety.
And this is a busy season at work for me (and I'm not even an accountant!) so I thought, let's revisit this in the summer. I think when we went through our miscarriage in Nov, I felt good thinking that we might need a year off and then in Feb he started wanting to know if we could try again in the spring and I just put that answer off, feeling constricted by it.
But I also keep asking myself - do I want to be in the is perpetual state of 'woe is me, I can't have a baby?' and not be doing anything about it? What's the proper balance on taking a break vs. really trying for what you want?
Has what I want changed? I've started reading some of the foster care related books I've bought that I posted here. I actually didn't start with any of these on the list and instead in ama.zon's 'here's what else you'd like' suggestions, I bought One Small Bo.at by Kathy Harrison and I just can't put it down. It's so good.
But it's also made me re-think whether I'm foster parent material. I still have some reading to do before I make that decision, but I'm not sure I have the patience, time or energy to deal with a lot of the special needs that comes from having children who have been neglected or abused. Maybe if I was a stay at home mom, but I don't know if I want that.
So, B is supportive of what I want to do. I think he just hates seeing me upset and wants to try to do something about it rather than just take a break. But I think taking a break is best for my piece of mind right now.
2 years ago
We know quite a few families in our church who are doing foster care or going the fost-adopt route. I'm very attracted to the fost-adopt thing, but I'm seeing that it just takes a ton of patience. Many of them having been waiting for quite a while, as California's budget woes mean that fewer kids are getting put in the foster system, and that they often get put back with any family that can be found, no matter how stable that family is. Which can be heartbreaking for the family that was hoping to adopt them. That said, there's a huge need for more stable foster parents.
ReplyDeleteAs for the IUI, could you keep it on the schedule for May but know that it could be cancelled at that point if you're still not ready? You have another month to let things sit. I find that my feelings about such things can change much more quickly than I anticipate sometimes.
I really admire your ability to take a step back and take into consideration what's best for you right now. I'm glad you have a supportive husband who's in your corner 100%. You'll reach the decision that's best for you.
ReplyDeleteLet us know what you decide.
I love Kathy Harrison's book, 'Another Place at the Table'- I highly reccomend it, I'll have to pick up the one you're working now, too.
ReplyDeleteAnd it is hard, in a lot of ways, to take a break. You feel so useless, or like you're not doing your part. FOr me, trying to think of it as getting myself in the right headspace before trying again, will help our chances in the long run...
Adoption is hard. It takes patience, time, a rock solid union and lots and lots of love. But you don't have to adopt abused or neglected older kids. My cousin started taking care of a baby whose mother was doing drugs and she got to adopt her two years after and then she adopted the brother that came after. She took them while the first was under 6 months-old and the second one was a few weeks old.
ReplyDeleteHaving to deal with all these choices is difficult. Take your time and in the end, it's your choice, your decision. You have to be able to feel better about it and lighter. No emotional drainage, no anxiety except for the normal one (it's normal to be a bit anxious but not to the point of not sleeping, having eczema, being nauseous...) and it has to make you feel hopeful and excited. It definitely is a passage from one thing to the next whatever the decision is.
Thinking of you !
*Big Hug* My husband and I decided to put of IUIs for a while after a BFN...and its been almost 2 years. When we got off the mindset of, "I will get pregnant this month" we started just looking at the bigger picture, including foster care and adoption. We actually worked a couple years in group homes and now are moving to foster care. I thought I always wanted babies, but when the organization told me about their urgent need for someone to take in teenage boys (which is the same group of kiddos we had at the group homes), I couldn't say no. Sure, we'll get our babies in time...but for now being a foster mom to hormonal, pimple-faced, awkward teenage boys is suiting me just fine. :) Good luck no matter what you and your husband choose; you will be a blessing to a child, whether its yours biologically or through foster/adoption.
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