Monday, March 8, 2010

Why Didn't You Reach Out To Me?

Dear In-Law Family (Mother, Father, Brother):

Why didn't you reach out to me? You came to our house the day before Thanksgiving. This was the same day I had to take methotrextate to dissolve our pregnancy that the doctors thought was ectopic.

I know, you didn't really understand it all. You asked my husband whether this was a 'real' miscarriage. Did the answer to that question really matter though? Were you not asking the right question? Another question? I know it's hard to understand. And hard to know what to ask, or what to say. I know. But still.

I was so down. I was sad. I was mad. I couldn't stop crying. I felt terrible. Terrible. I hated that it was Thanksgiving and that you all were here for a good time.

I hated it even more that you barely acknowledged what I was going through ... or how it made me feel. Why didn't you ask?

On top of it all, you are ALL ministers... so... why. didn't. you. pray. with. me?????

Were you on vacation from being a minister?? No, I know. That's not it. At least, I hope not. But that's how it felt. Kinda. I know miscarriages are taboo. I know I wasn't on the floor bleeding. Or pregnant for that long. Or even 'really' pregnant. I know it's been strange to talk about infertility. But the most comforting thing you could have offered at that point was to pray with me.

And you didn't.

And I still don't understand how you couldn't have thought to. And I still can't let it go.

The weather was nice here yesterday. I went for a run. In the sun. It reminded me of the day before Thanksgiving. The day I got my methotrextate shot. It was a nice day. I couldn't stop crying in my room. So I did what came naturally. I went running. In shorts. In the sun.

Yesterday's run made me think of that day-before-Thanksgiving run. And how I felt. And how I felt you were too uncomfortable to really be there for me.

And it still hurts even though I know you probably didn't mean it and that you were probably just uncomfortable and trying to give me space. It just made me feel more alone. That's all.


I promise to never be too uncomfortable to not reach out, to not be there for someone - really be there for someone in their grief, in their anguish, in their sadness, in their discomfort. If I've learned nothing but this, then I hope to be the emotional hug to others when they need it.


  1. ((((HUGS))))) and Prayers.

  2. Thanks for visiting my blog and I look forward to following your journey as well. I also feel that my journey has made me more empathetic - a better wife and a better friend. I'm praying for you for a peaceful week. :)

  3. This letter made me cry. Cry so much in fact I don't know how I'm typing to comment right now.

    I agree with you 100%. I am so tired and get more and more hurt the more time goes on. Those who are supposed to "care" have made me feel even worse and even more isolated.


  4. Good for you for getting those feelings out, you need to be able to express how you felt about their lack of support. Some people are just awful in responding to those in grief, not at all excusing their behavior though. Sending you lots of hugs & prayers that God grant you the strength & peace to get through this terrible struggle & pain.

  5. Thank you all so, so much for all your love & support. It felt so good to get this all out. I had no idea I was still keeping it all in till this weekend!

    And it's amazing what I've found in you all. You have no idea how much you've helped me tremendously!!! Big hugs back to you!

  6. ((hugs)) I enjoyed your letter. I have felt that many times. I think that is why I still haven't told any family about my blog and why I stopped telling them about my infertility treatments. That way I won't have my hopes up that they will actually read it and care about what I am going through and respond sensitively. It is so tricky. I am so sorry that your family couldn't reach out to you in your time of need.

    I am glad your bike is up and going again and that you had a great run. There is nothing like getting outside to help lift one's spirit.

  7. This brought me to tears. My ILs are not with me in my loss either.
    How could they not pray with you?
    Perhaps they were praying FOR you when you were not around?
    Or perhaps I am giving them too much credit!

    I will pray for you :)

  8. All too often people put their own discomfort over the suffering person's need for support. I am sorry.

    (from the creme)

  9. That must have been a horrible experience for you, surrounded by your loved ones and yet so alone.

    I'm sorry for your losses. Early they may be, but the dream of a child is just as real.

    (Arrived from the Crème de la Crème list)

  10. You are very eloquent in stating your feelings. I'm sorry, though, that your inlaws were not able to be present with you during your time of grieving.

    Your ending is a very timely message for me, as someone I know got bad news today.

    I wish for you continued healing.

  11. I'm so sorry that people so close to you let you down. I hope that people reading this post will keep your feelings in mind the next time they have the opportunity to reach out to a grieving friend.