Saturday, March 20, 2010

5% Hopeful was... Just That

I wrote about being 5% Hopeful 2 weeks ago, knowing it would be a 2ww. We tried naturally and I was conflicted. Conflicted because I wasn't sure if I could endure a 2ww even though I knew the chances were very slim - I was still 5% hopeful.

And I've been pretty good these last 2 weeks but, of course, it has been on my mind, pretty much every day, several times a day, but just gently there, so I guess that was good.

And this morning cuddling with my husband, I said, I know I have to wait till tomorrow to really know. He said try not to let it ruin your birthday weekend. And I said - but it's the not knowing that is the hardest.

And I guess Mother Nature wanted me to know so I wouldn't continue to have a hard weekend - I saw my period when I finally got up to go to the bathroom. Oh well. It really was just 5%, probably not even...

That's ok. At least I know. And it's not shocking. It's what normally happens so I'm used to it! (Ha! Not funny, I know... trying to find some humor here)

I had even told him in bed that I may be ready for an IUI again. Even though all I really want is a toddler or a kid. Even though I'm not sure anymore that I want to experience pregnancy and go through baby stuff. I don't think I'm jealous of babies anymore - I'm jealous of toddlers.

It struck me yesterday when I saw a man with a little 4-ish year old girl in a cute dress and I could tell she was telling him all about her day. It was so cute and that's what I so want!!

We go to counseling on Wed and I think that will help on being able to talk about options but I'll also think some more on potentially doing an IUI this cycle, because after all, who am I kidding? If I got pregnant, I'm sure I'd be ecstatic.

I will enjoy playing App.les to App.les today, having great, great friends over - 3 of them with their babies and relish in the amazing weather. And I will enjoy my actual birthday day off on Monday. More on that to come.

And I know I will continue to go to bik.ram ho.t yoga.  For those who like those updates, I've been searching each class for the last 2 weeks and haven't come up with golden tidbits but I'll continue to keep my ear open to them. But I will say that it's helped to ground me and give me more peace.

Have a great weekend everyone! Hope you have fun plans too!

6 comments:

  1. I think I understand. I used to really want the pregnancy, then the baby. Sometimes I don't want the kid, I just want the baby. Or I want to be pregnant and not the rest. Other times I'm not sure anymore. If only being a parent was easier (it's no fairy tale even if "they" want us to think it is), I think it wouldn't be so...ungh.

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  2. Big hugs, the 5% sucks, been there done that.

    ICLW
    #101
    http://thegalwho.wordpress.com/

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  3. I can totally understand the toddler envy. I get that so much. I'm over (mostly) the baby stuff too.
    Happy Birthday!

    ICLW #29

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  4. *sugh* even when you are expecting it...it sucks. ((hugs))

    I'm glad to hear that you are snatching some moments of peace among it all!

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  5. I'm so sorry. It still sucks no matter how much it's "expected". Thinking of you!

    Tammy
    ICLW #103

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  6. I'm sorry for Auntie Flo but also glad that if she was going to have to make an appearance she at least had the decency to stop the guessing game. Hang in there! I'm glad you celebrated well. I love that game too.

    Dawn Davenport
    Creating a Family-nonprofit for support and education of IF and Adoption
    www.CreatingaFamily.org

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