I don't like that we've gotten to this point and I'm not really even sure it's that bad but it's not great either so I figure, why not?
Here are some things I think we're struggling with:
- Differences on what should come next in our family building - he really wants natural kids; I'm more inclined to look at foster care to adopt. I just really, really want children in my home NOW!!! And I don't have this overly huge desire to be pregnant and deal with babies... but I also think I'd be sad letting go of the potential of biology in there
- S*x - it's gotten boring. Ok, maybe not boring, boring but the spark is pretty minimal at this time. I can't tell if it's because he works oh-so-much or because of my hormone levels or because we have no new tricks or what. We don't even steal sexy 1 minute kisses anymore... and that makes me sad. We're very affectionate and love each other but I really miss that spark. This may/may not be fertility-related and could just be a factor of knowing each other for awhile or his work stresses but I want to figure it out. Especially because if we have a hard time with the spark now, it certainly isn't going to get easier with more people in our lives.
- Why we/he Want to be Parents - this sometimes makes me sad too and I just shove it under the rug. He hasn't been able to fully express to me why he wants to be a dad. I fear that he wants to 'just because that's what we're supposed to do'. I fear that much as he wants biological kids, he's really only going to take an interest when they're children and he can actually 'do' things with them and I'll get stuck doing a lot of the baby stuff.
- Feeling like his Work is Always Priority/in the Way - He works late a lot and on weekends, mostly both days but always at least 1 day. It's completely gotten to me. I've gotten to the point where I feel 'grateful' when he does spend time with me. I was elated a few weeks ago when I got him all to myself an ENTIRE Saturday. Because that NEVER happens. It's always only a few hours here and there. And evenings? I've learned to make other plans because he doesn't come home till 7:30 or 8 and when he does, he just wants to watch tv. Ok, I'm mostly exaggerating, but there's a lot of truth here and I can't help but feel like I'm one more thing he has to fit in. I know he really doesn't feel this way but this constant working makes me feel this way.
So, I found a provider accepting new patients and talked to her and she seemed nice and well equipped to deal with our struggles. She has lots of openings between this week and next week so hopefully we can start to address some of this stuff soon. Just have to get my husband to get a second to look at his schedule.
I think I'm also emotional because my pseudo 2ww is now at one more week from my 5% Hopeful post where we tried naturally and even though I know it's probably not going to work, I can't help but be 5% hopeful and I really, really, really don't want to be disappointed.
And I was stupid to even 'schedule it' like this because I should know next Sunday and next Monday is my birthday. And I'm trying really, really, really hard to not let Sunday's potential bad new be neutral so as not to effect my Monday birthday. BUT, of course if Sunday's news is good, then that means a VERY nice birthday present.
Ugh. One more week... I need peace, I need prayers, I need yoga, I need a lot.