Monday, March 15, 2010

It's Finally Time for Counseling

I was convinced after some comments on my Fostering post this weekend that it was time for a counselor to help us out.

I don't like that we've gotten to this point and I'm not really even sure it's that bad but it's not great either so I figure, why not?

Here are some things I think we're struggling with:
  • Differences on what should come next in our family building - he really wants natural kids; I'm more inclined to look at foster care to adopt. I just really, really want children in my home NOW!!! And I don't have this overly huge desire to be pregnant and deal with babies... but I also think I'd be sad letting go of the potential of biology in there
  • S*x - it's gotten boring. Ok, maybe not boring, boring but the spark is pretty minimal at this time. I can't tell if it's because he works oh-so-much or because of my hormone levels or because we have no new tricks or what. We don't even steal sexy 1 minute kisses anymore... and that makes me sad. We're very affectionate and love each other but I really miss that spark. This may/may not be fertility-related and could just be a factor of knowing each other for awhile or his work stresses but I want to figure it out. Especially because if we have a hard time with the spark now, it certainly isn't going to get easier with more people in our lives.
  • Why we/he Want to be Parents - this sometimes makes me sad too and I just shove it under the rug. He hasn't been able to fully express to me why he wants to be a dad. I fear that he wants to 'just because that's what we're supposed to do'. I fear that much as he wants biological kids, he's really only going to take an interest when they're children and he can actually 'do' things with them and I'll get stuck doing a lot of the baby stuff.
  • Feeling like his Work is Always Priority/in the Way - He works late a lot and on weekends, mostly both days but always at least 1 day. It's completely gotten to me. I've gotten to the point where I feel 'grateful' when he does spend time with me. I was elated a few weeks ago when I got him all to myself an ENTIRE Saturday. Because that NEVER happens. It's always only a few hours here and there. And evenings? I've learned to make other plans because he doesn't come home till 7:30 or 8 and when he does, he just wants to watch tv. Ok, I'm mostly exaggerating, but there's a lot of truth here and I can't help but feel like I'm one more thing he has to fit in. I know he really doesn't feel this way but this constant working makes me feel this way.
Ugh. I hate even writing any of this out. But I had another big cry yesterday when all he wanted to do at 8pm on a Sunday was watch tv and I felt alone again.

So, I found a provider accepting new patients and talked to her and she seemed nice and well equipped to deal with our struggles. She has lots of openings between this week and next week so hopefully we can start to address some of this stuff soon. Just have to get my husband to get a second to look at his schedule.

I think I'm also emotional because my pseudo 2ww is now at one more week from my 5% Hopeful post where we tried naturally and even though I know it's probably not going to work, I can't help but be 5% hopeful and I really, really, really don't want to be disappointed.

And I was stupid to even 'schedule it' like this because I should know next Sunday and next Monday is my birthday. And I'm trying really, really, really hard to not let Sunday's potential bad new be neutral so as not to effect my Monday birthday. BUT, of course if Sunday's news is good, then that means a VERY nice birthday present.

Ugh. One more week... I need peace, I need prayers, I need yoga, I need a lot.


  1. Oh, your post sounds just like my life. We have struggled with many of these issues and I was an emotional wreck. I think it is wonderful that you are seeking some help, is the DH going with you ? I am sure you will greatly benefit from it.

    I am praying for you...(((HUGS)))

  2. Hey girl... I am glad that I'm not the only one who has struggled with a lot of the things that you listed. First, I never wanted to adop because I wanted a biological child... not it doesn't matter... just as long as we have a baby in whatever way that we can. Second, ttc completely ruined our sex life...this is the first post that I've read about someone else going thru it... but I prayed and asked God to return my joy and help me to enjoy my husband once again. I got tired of having scheduled sex and I totally lost my drive.... it sucked... and then every time we were together it was all about trying to have the baby... not enjoying one another... so we are currently on a much needed break from ttc and my libido came back and I love and enjoy my hubbie more than ever. Third, I can relate to feeling lonely around hubbie... I've been thru that the past few days actually... I wanted to spend time with him this whole weekend and all he wanted to do was play the Xbox and watch tv--- I was hurt but I didn't tell him.... I just let it go--- this time... Anyway, thanks for this post... and keep your head up... your birthday is coming up and you'll have lots to be thankful for. I will definitely be praying for you and hoping that you get some peace of mind and and a baby too:0)

  3. Thanks to you both already for commenting. I already feel better and really means a lot that you care and took time to write to me right now. I really appreciate it!

  4. That sounds a lot like Nick and I...Without knowing the whole situation I can say with some certainty that the sex factor has a lot to do with infertility. Sometimes it becomes a "chore" and both parties get sick of it. It is good that you recognize these things and can start to build on that.

    I think counseling is a great idea. I partake in it myself, even though Nick doesn't join. We aren't necessarily on the same wave length right now to be going together. I need to get myself worked on before we can work together.

    Whichever way you decide to to, whether it be fostering/adoption or the biological way, will keep on praying that everything works out for the best. =)

  5. isn't infertility fun? sorry you are having a rough time. I think that's a good idea to go to a counselor.

  6. I feel like I could have written a majority of what you wrote in this post.

    I too ruled out adoption/foster care initially because I wanted a child of my own, a pregnant belly that I could love and nurture for 9 months and that would bring me a beautiful biological baby of our own. Now? I still have those wishes, but I just want to be a Mom. That is what is important to me now and I sometimes feel that God is calling me and Matt to adopt first before we do IVF.

    I haven't talked about this with anyone IRL, but my sex drive is completely gone as well. After scheduling sex for over 2+ years I was tired of it. Anytime I iniated it was for the purpose of baby making and Matt started to refer to himself as a sperm donor. Ouch.

    We are on a TTC break as well and have been since February. I am praying to God that he will bring this part of our relationship around and it has started to get much better. It still isn't where it was when we were dating/engaged/and before all of the baby making stuff ... but it is getting there. Bit by bit.

    And thank you so much for the comment on the post I wrote about how I came up with my blog name. I say if you want to change your blog to a more positive name, then go for it! I tend to honestly be a negative person or "Negative Nelly" as my sisters call me. I am working on trying to get better about this and I think I am on the right track.

    I will be praying for you and your husband and your future little ones (however you will get them!).

    Things will get better, I believe in that with all of my heart.

  7. I too can relate to most of this. Especially the lack of a spark and the working too much. I am sick to death of work being a priority! I mean, I know financially it is necessary, but doesnt stop me resenting it!
    I hope counselling does the trick for you and helps you find some peace and clarity. <3

  8. I know that once I associated sex with babies, it lost a lot of its appeal. I started losing interest in sex because if it's to make babies, what is the point if we're not making one ? It's okay now, I have a wonderful and fun boyfriend.

    Infertility, the state of the relationship, insecurity, it takes a toll on sexuality.

    Hang in there ! I really think counseling helps. It's great you're taking charge of your needs.

  9. I really hope your counselling brings some peace and resolution. You'll have to keep us posted. I have debated getting counselling for myself, but I don't know how much it really works. Best wishes and big hugs!