Happy July ICLW!

I love ICLW - thank you for visiting if you're new and thank you for continuing to support me if you visit frequently. It makes me smile! :) 

A bit about our journey: TTC since Jan 08. 3 IUIs. 2 miscarriages at 5 1/2 weeks (one requiring methotrextate - sp?). Fibroid the size of an orange discovered to potentially be the problem. Trying to get surgery scheduled so that we can be on our way to parenthood... somehow!

This blogland has saved me. I'm not sure what I would do without it... without you.

I leave you with this - a meaningful book that Lily from The Infertile Mind made called Infertile Inspiration. If you go to her website, you can view it in either video or pdf format. She's been an incredible friend to me. She's super creative and this book will warm your heart as as it did mine. Promise.

Happy ICLW! :)

The Size of an Orange, You Say?

Whoa! That's how large my fibroid is! I can hardly believe it. An orange??? In there? And I never knew it?

Yeah, let's get that sucker out of there! Make room for a baby, please. Make my uterus hospitable finally! (They've called this fibroid making my uterus inhospitable!).

Next step is scheduling surgery, which will mean 1-2 days in the hospital, 3-4 days recovery and probably a week working from home. A month total till back to normal.

And because they have to get into the muscle too much, if I do get pregnant later, I'd have to have a c-section.

Oh well... all this doesn't sound fun, but if it gets us to where we want to be then, so be it!

In-Law Visit & Stranger's Loss Story

We decided on a whim (even though I had been prodding my husband for weeks to plan this) to visit my in-laws this weekend - a 9 hour drive away - for my mother-in-law's birthday in the mountains of NC.

It was nice. Another peaceful setting:

What I thought was strange was that no one mentioned our recent miscarriage. Again. The one in May was our 2nd one and while I got nice emails from both my mother and father-in-law, you'd think they would have pulled me aside, given me a little hug, and said something.

It's just so bizarre. I can't understand it. I just can't. And should I mention again that they are pastors? All of them - mother, father, brother. Yes! So, they should be used to dealing with life's difficulties... I just don't get it.

******************

On the ironic front, I happened to be in conversation with a woman at a barbeque... her adult son was signing gospel at this church fundraiser and he had one of the most amazing voices I've ever heard. I asked her if he had any siblings, wondering if this talent was in the family.

She shocked me by saying that he was a twin but lost his twin and that was her only pregnancy. I said something like "I'm really sorry for your loss" and wanted to say more but couldn't think of what... and I couldn't tell if it felt strange bringing it up since this happened for her 25 years ago or if I can't possiblity know the definition of loss like she does. But I felt like saying "I know your pain more than you think."

... But do I? And would that have been appropriate? What would you have said?

And maybe that's why my in-laws didn't say anything this weekend. But one big difference is that my in-laws are not strangers. Though, I admit that I did feel a kinship with this woman knowing we've had similar struggles. Yet, she'll never know because I didn't say anything beyond "I'm sorry for your loss"...

Just What the Doctor Ordered... For Once!

...or what I ordered - the weekend away with my best friend - just her and I, no husband and she did not bring her 1 1/2 year old.

It was marvelous! So needed. Everyone needs to remember how important time like that is. Sure, there was some talk of her child and some talk of my infertility but just a part of the conversation, not the entire conversation.

Lately, when we've been catching up quickly by phone it's her saying "oh, listen to what cute thing he did" or me saying "here's the latest on my infertility yo-yo". It got to be too much - I'm sure from both sides.

We laughed, talked about all kinds of life stuff including past, present, future, random thoughts, dreams - basically everything best friends talk about.

We used to go on vacations - a week somewhere when we were single & in our 20s, then it became a few days and in a group situation with husbands, and then it became none since her child. Even though it was just a weekend, we both felt like we were worlds away... and back in our friendship.

Just what I ordered and what everyone should order! Get back to that place, where the real, whole you can come out...

Some peaceful pics from our trip:

Needing Surgery

After 3 IUIs, 2 that took but miscarrying at 5 1/2 weeks, my doc referred me to a surgeon to recommend I get a fibroid removed. That appt was this morning.

Ugh. No fun. Talked a lot with the surgeon about "what are the chances of staying pregnant if I have this surgery done?" And no real answers. They just can't say.

I need more info but apparently my fibroid isn't huge, but it's grown, and grown closer to the uterine lining, making my uterus 'inhospitable' he said. He recommended doing the surgery.

I'm a big baby. I don't take pain well, so I'm not thrilled about this recommendation especially not knowing how much it would increase our chances of staying pregnant. And because of the incision he'd have to do, I'd likely have to have c-sections in the future... if we get pregnant.

Surgery means 1-2 days in the hospital, 3-4 days recovery and 2-4 weeks lifestyle recovery. I just don't feel like dealing with this. I feel like I've been on such a yo-yo in general with inactivity and recovering from stuff - miscarriages...

Will I gain weight as a result of not exercising and then have to work hard to lose again? Getting bigger has had an impact on me psychologically, and just when I feel like I'm making progress on my weight, I'll bet this makes it worse again. I felt that way at Easter, so close to goal weight, feeling so good again, and we did another IUI, throwing a lot of my hard work away as I gained 5 lbs (I'm small so that makes a difference) again...

So, I'd like advice. Anyone out there had fibroids removed and were successful with pregnancies after? Heard of anyone who has? Anyone know statistics on increasing chances once fibroids are removed? I just want to know - if it's 10%, not sure that I want to do this but if it's 60% , then yes.

So, help me out please :)

Best Friend Time

My best friend and I are going away together this weekend to a lake for some chill-just-us time. I can't wait. We need this so badly - or at least, I need this from us so badly.

She has a 1 1/2 year old who I just love, but as you can imagine, it's been a rocky road with dealing with my feelings about everything infertility and therefore, somehow even though this kid brings me joy, he can also bring on my sadness. He's about the age that I feel my child would be.

My best friend and I had both agreed to start trying around the same time - about 3 years ago. She took the lead though and started 4 months ahead of me. She got pregnant within 4 months but then had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. She got pregnant the following month.

I sometimes still can't believe that even with her set-back, she still has a  1 1/2 year old... and I have nothing. I try not to think about it too much - or think about it in that way. But it's hard not to.

And that's sometimes my biggest challenge. How do I let others' joys not become sadnesses to me?

I really need this weekend with her. Just her.

Broken Into

Our house got broken into yesterday. They took 2 tvs, my work laptop, camera and ipod.

And you know what? I don't care.

Yeah, interesting view, huh?

I think we are very lucky to have homeowner's insurance. Nothing sentimental got taken (thank goodness I wore my engagement ring that day - I almost didn't). I think it may help that I got broken into about 10 years ago. It doesn't seem as frightening.

But I think infertility has put perspective on things. The trauma I feel I'm going through right now just doesn't compare. As my husband says 'it's just stuff'. And as Rebecca eloquently puts it with dealing with her grief and what she's learned: We would trade every material thing we have to have our daughter healthy & with us.

So, take all the tvs you want... I just want a baby.