I'm Already Bleeding :(

Supposed to test on Thurs and just as soon as I made my bloodwork appt, I went to the bathroom and saw blood! What?!? I called back right away and the nurse wasn't really helpful.

"We don't like to see that, but it might not mean anything... still come in Thurs and keep taking your meds. We'll keep our fingers crossed."

I was so upset. I cried and cried. It was too good to think that it might just work on the first one.

But it's ok... I knew I just needed to be upset. We went into this with the longer-term view and it'll be ok.

I had dinner with a good friend who is in town visiting. I almost cancelled on her, but I thought, no, this will be good.

And, of course, as soon as I see her, I started tearing-up and told her what was going on, and just as good friends do, she listened, was empathetic and I started feeling better.

Thank goodness for old/good friends. Thank goodness for perspective. And thank goodness for my peace right now.

It's disappointing. I know it could still not be anything, but I'm also realistic, and I don't think this is good news. Having our family, however that happens, is just going to take longer. And I knew that.

(I also went out and got popcorn (Pir.ate's Bo.oty!), ice cream, chocolate and cookies!)

The IVF Road

We've started IVF! In fact, transfer is tomorrow.

It's been both less scary than I thought... and then there were some parts I didn't anticipate.

Meds: Getting the big box of medications was an adventure. It IS overwhelming, and I kinda freaked out when I saw it all. Plus, I hate - yes, hate - needles, so looking at that wasn't good for me.  And, I mistakenly threw out the trigger shot (I thought it was just an ice pack!). Fortunately, the pharmacy took pity on me and sent me another free of charge. Phew!

Shots: Since I hate needles, what was my trick? Luckily, my husband saved the day, and all injection days, by learning all there is to know about giving me shots and I didn't have to learn any of it. I just iced myself numb and watched a fun video (from our trip to Vietnam and more specifically of Halong Bay, my dream place!) while he poked me everday, some twice a day.

Monitoring: Yes, and all those monitoring appointments! I was determined to lead a normal life throughout this and even biked to my doc's appts!! I want to try to be the IVF patient who does not gain weight! So, yes, I biked... Proud of me? You should be! (It's really only 1.5 miles each way... but the way back is up a hill, and it's been pretty cold, so I deserve kudos for that extra effort!). :)

Retrieval: Then comes retrieval time. I got a bit freaked about that, especially since I didn't realize the 'antibiotic' they give you the day before makes you get severe diarrhea... well, at least it did for me, so that wasn't fun. But, they got 8 eggs! Very exciting. (Even though I overheard a woman next to me get 30!!  -- They told me 8 of my quality ones were good).

I was pretty sore after retrieval and tired in general. Not sure if it's from the procedure or from the drugs or both.

The report so far: 5 fertilized and all 5 are doing well.

Next step: transfer tomorrow (probably just 1; will confer with doc today/tomorrow morning), and then a 2 week wait!

I'm hopeful... :)

Thoughts on 2011/2012

First, Happy 2012! I know I've been a bit MIA this year but I manage to keep coming back. For those of uswho have been on this journey together for a couple of years now, I know we mean a lot to each other and want to know what's happening, no matter what stage we're in.

The stage I want to get to? The peaceful one! :)

2011 was all about grieving and trying to move to a place of next steps... in a way that would be peaceful for me. I'm sick of the highs and lows of the chase and frankly, I don't think my mental and emotional state could take that anymore.

Fertility journey 2011 highlights:

• Counseling via someone on the Resolve website; someone who personally and professionally understands infertility. She is someone who really gets it, having gone through failed IVF and moved onto adoption. I don't know what I would have done without therapy.
• Moving past that my mother and mother-in-law just don't know how to be there emotionally for me. This has by far been THE HARDEST part of my journey. I always thought I could 'go to my mommy' in the really hard times but she misses the mark almost every time, and, as a result, I've had to shut her out. I don't think she means it (I really hope she doesn't) but she can't seem to get it. And I thought that my mother-in-law and I would be close... and that her being a pastor would really help, but it hasn't. I have felt like the time that I've most needed a mom, I haven't had one and that pain runs very deep. I'm still trying to work through it.
• A mind/body/fertility workshop focused on meditation (I still can't really meditate!) that taught me to stabilize the highs and lows we go through with the infertility journey. I hope I can keep this mindset going through IVF treatments.
• 4th pregnancy in July (2nd naturally after fibroid removal in 2010) and then miscarriage at 5 weeks. Somehow this one was easier to 'get over' because of my such low expectations. Sad, I know...
• Agreeing on a plan: start IVF in early 2012 IF we can go on a trip in Dec 2011
• I haved LOVED international travel and get such a natural high off of it. The last trip we went on was 4 years ago, when we first started trying to conceive. When I knew I wasn't looking forward to IVF, I knew I needed something to get my spirits up again and help get me through the shots! Vietnam has been high on my list ever since I saw a picture in a magazine 10 years ago of Halong Bay. My dream came true:


• IVF - Here we come! I have very mixed feelings about this. I'm skeptical and jaded at this point and I think too afraid to hope that this could work but I know how important biology is to my husband... and I know I'd welcome a positive outcome. :) PLUS, I've equally (if not more!) become excited with the thought of adoption and I know going through IVF might get us closer to that (hard to explain but particularly with my husband having lost his father when he was young, exploring our biology is something he really wants us to do before we consider adoption and I'm supportive of that)...

My main 2 take-aways are: 1) I feel more confident that however we get there (IVF, adoption, ?) we will likely have our family someday (and also trying to feel ok with that potentially never happening for us). I also know if it is to happen, that it can't necessarily have immediate results, being 4 years into this already so 2) I want to focus on feeling peaceful no matter how this happens for us and no matter how long this journey lasts for us.

I wish you all PEACE for 2012!

xoxo

Feeling Peaceful

I had no idea it would be 2 months before I could write again. I've been trying to keep up with reading blogs but I knew my Sept & Oct would be crazy and didn't realize that it would seep into Nov too.

Here's an update on me and why I'm feeling so much more peaceful:

• We booked a trip to Vietnam for the last 2 weeks of Dec!!!!  I've been wanting to go to Vietnam ever since I went to Thailand about 6 years ago and heard how amazing it was in Vietnam.
• I love adventurous travel and felt like we'd been putting it off to start our family.
• Now that we're about to embark on IVF, I felt like I needed something to give me energy before I pour out energy into something else. So, I am VERY excited! Any travel advice?
• I am excited to not be around families for this holiday. I know that sounds selfish and makes me feel like that movie The Fo.ur Chri.st.mases but our families have not been able to give me the energy that I really need and I have taken it upon myself to give myself what I need right now.
• We have a plan - IVF first 1/2 of next year and if that doesn't work, move onto adoption.
• My husband really wants us to give IVF a try. Biology is really important to him. On the other hand, I'm not hopeful it's going to work. We've been able to get pregnant, I'm just not convinced it will keep us pregnant. But I'm willing to give this a shot (ha, ha) but also want to look forward to our next steps.
• It's important for me to have that next plan in place (especially since I'm not hopeful on IVF) so that the IVF will be as little of an emotional roller-coaster on me.
• I feel good knowing that at some point next year, we'll be taking really active steps toward building our family.
• Work craziness is almost over.
• I took us through an office move on Oct 1 which was pretty grueling.
• I've had to replace someone on my team during this time.
• My new person starts tomorrow (super yay!).
• I can see the light at the end of the tunnel after spending every free waking moment with either working or work on the brain.
• Feeling at peace with it all.
• I've been through a lot of therapy, I booked the trip to Vietnam, I attended a 4 week infertility-medidation workshop, I've stuck to Wei.ght. Wat.chers and I've made sure to make time for my beloved bik.ram yo.ga exercise.
• I FINALLY feel really good about my life again. Our marriage is great. I'm doing well at work. I'm grateful for all the good things in my life and in general, not jealous of others (their children - we welcomed our niece into our world during this time). That's huge. I've been wanting to get to this point FOREVER and I'm finally here.
• I really feel like I can say that I'm not in control of our family building fate. I'll try to do my part but I'm also open to possibilities, including being childless. It doesn't make me sad anymore. Life has so much to offer and I can give back in so many ways. This really is huge for me. I never thought I'd get here. And here I am. And it feels completely overwhelmingly amazing.

Thanks for your support!

2nd Opinion on IVF/Lots to Work Through

I'm doing... maybe a little better?

Who knows anymore! It seems like every time I feel like I may be better, I take 2 steps back again. I guess that's just the way it is and am thankful that I continue to go to counseling!

The biggest thing is that I went to see another specialist for a 2nd opinion on whether IVF is really our next step or do we have other options. The facts are:

• I've been able to get pregnant 4 times now (2 prior to fibroid surgery with IUI, 2 after naturally)
• I can't stay pregnant past 5 1/2 weeks
• One of my tubes may be blocked now as recently as a year ago

So, with all of this, 2nd opinion doc says that yes, he'd recommend IVF again. He said (like the other did) that we could do IVF but that won't really give us more data on why I'm having trouble staying pregant.

I have a lot to think through because I've been reluctant to do IVF. If they could tell me that doing IVF would help me stay pregnant, I think I'd do it, but they're just saying they can control a lot more and see a lot more and therefore figure out what the real problem is if there is still a problem.

Such heaviness.

In the meantime, I'm struggling with my own feelings of feeling like I don't have a choice in the matter. My husband has stressed to me that I do have a choice but his strong feelings about a biological link due to his father passing away during his childhood makes me feel like I'd be a horrible person if I didn't at least try to do this for him.

See what I mean? Heaviness.

So, that's where I am right now - with a whole lot of counseling to help sift this all through.

On Taming the Jealousy & Feeling Alone

I'm not proud of being jealous, but I am. I have a hard time (still) dealing with others' pregnancies and everything-baby related. Especially when there is little attention on me and my problems.

I'm hurting - not as badly as before but I'm still hurting. And I need consolation. I need attention. I need empathy.

Infertility and miscarriages, though, create an isolated reaction from others. It's hard for people to know what to do, so they do nothing. Which makes me feel alone and ignored. And I'm sick of telling people that I need support.

With our last miscarriage, my sister-in-law who is pregnant, told my brother-in-law who told my husband that if I wanted to talk, I should call her.

Ok....

In the meantime, I've had to hide her fb postings because I can't watch her weekly "belly watch" photos and nursery pics and new car for the baby.

My niece is coming early Oct and I'll need to figure out a way to deal with it.

It's fascinating to me, that as long as people acknowledge my pain, I can be happy for whatever is happy with them - mostly dealing with baby stuff. But when no one acknowledges my pain, I don't feel like putting energy into their happiness.

You always think that people are going to be there for you when you go through a hard time. Well, it's been an interesting experience that people seem to disappear when you most need them. Or ignore you and only deal with all the happy stuff.

In other news, I have a consultation with another RE after Labor Day and this Friday we're heading to the beach for 10 days of relaxation!

I'm sorry I haven't been as active as a blogger and commenter as before but I'm still out here, trying to figure out how to not feel alone from people who claim to care and how to not be jealous. Hopefully vacation and a new doc may help!

Miscarriage #4

I guess it's 'technically' not a miscarriage but the end to a chemical pregnancy. I just can't seem to make it past week 5 1/2...

It's been an interesting experience this go-around. I was elated in week 3 to be feeling symptoms - my sense of smell was crazy, sore boobs, tired... I was actually happy again. I couldn't believe it. With all my recent depression, to be happy again was such a foreign feeling that I just basked in it.

And then within 5 days, not feeling it anymore, so I knew something wasn't right. But still my period wasn't coming. I tested at home and negative result. Two days go by and I test again and just a faint second line showed up, so I knew something really wasn't right... but I also knew that I was kinda pregnant and that felt good.

I went to my RE and got confirmation that I was pregnant, but with a 75 beta result, so not great. Two days later, I start spotting and got my beta back that was down to 20, so no 'real' pregnancy.

But, I'll tell you this - I was happy to be pregnant and happy that it happened again so quickly after really trying. You see, I had fibroid surgery last summer. We tried in the fall and got pregnant on the 2nd try and then lost it at 5 1/2 weeks. All winter and spring, I couldn't try again - I just didn't want the hopefulness and disappointment. But this summer, I said, let's give this another shot and it happened again, on the 2nd try.

So now I need to figure out why I keep miscarrying at 5 1/2 weeks. Or rather, why I can't keep a pregnancy. The two we had prior to my surgery were via IUI and I really want to be determined to not have to do IVF... but I think we may be on that road because I realized I really do want this, at least I want to try for us to have kids.

It feels good to have a plan. AND most importantly, I'm not feeling as depressed as I was this past winter/spring/summer. I filled a prescription for anti-depressants but haven't started taking them. In fact, as soon as I filled it, I didn't think I needed them anymore. Maybe just having them there as my secruity blanket was enough. I hope. It's been a rough ride and I don't want to go back into that hole.

I've got a plan and I've got my mental health back (for now)... and that feels good for now.