Some Progress, Some Tripping Up

I've been making progress lately. I'm enjoying the weather. I'm running again. I've been taking advantage of an international film fest in my city.

I'm getting all the paperwork done for an out of state consult we have in late May.

I'm also still bleeding. I've been bleeding for 6 weeks now. A constant reminder of our miscarriage.

My hcg levels haven't dropped as quickly as we had all thought. Each week I go in for bloodwork and have seen it go from 400 to 200 to 100-something to 100-something to 69 to 21. This week surely it will be at 0.

I bled a lot more on Friday and Saturday so am hoping that was an actual period but who knows.

And I've also gotten tripped up.

My brother-in-law texted this past week telling us to call to know whether we'll be having another niece or nephew. We learned on speaker phone that it will be a boy. And as much as I'm happy for them, for us, it tripped me up. They'll be adding a boy to their 18 month old girl and it feels like they'll have it all while we're 5+ years into our struggle. And it made me mad that I got sad. Why can't I just be 100% happy for them?

And then friends of us texted last night with 'call us, we've got news to share'. They've struggled with infertility despite having 2 kids now. And we know they were trying for a 3rd, but surely this wasn't what they were calling about, was it? They know about our struggles and wouldn't make this a big deal, would they? But they did and that's what the call was about. I don't know how many times I can exclaim 'that's great' without feeling so isolated with my pain. And I can't possibly continue to joke about getting a van to fit 3 kids when we don't even know if we'll ever have 1...

It is so isolating at times. Especially in the joyful times of our friends. Especially when our pain isn't acknowledged alongside their happiness. It's such a lonely place.

And yet I'm making progress. I filled out pages upon pages of medical information for our consultation. Getting medical record requests forms from 4 different places was a pain. And re-writing our history was jarring and had a sting to it reminding me of how not normal all of this has been for us.

5+ years with 3 IUIs, 2 fresh IVFs, 4 FETs, 2 surgeries and 6 miscarriages.

So yes, I'm making progress. But I do get tripped up sometimes. Can you blame me?

Miscarriage #6

Pretty unbelievable. It's a wonder we continue to try, really.

So, our FET #4 worked with the PGD testing. Just 1 embryo and it worked. I couldn't believe it. Did a home test the day before and was so happy, but also cautious.

We've gone down many roads of a positive test but with low numbers where it ends up miscarrying or becoming ectopic/suspected ectopic.

But this time our first beta was 566! They didn't even want/need to see me again for 4 more days and by then our numbers doubled to 2099! I was ecstatic. Finally, like a light switch, I wasn't depressed anymore.

Then, at 5 1/2 weeks, as always, I had massive bleeding within the span of 2 hours. I just knew that that couldn't be good. I went into my clinic and they did an ultrasound and said it was too early to tell or that the blood may be disrupting their view but they said to still be hopeful and said they thought they saw a sac. My bloodwork, though, came back at 2400. They said that didn't necessarily mean anything but I was suspect at that point. That was on a Thursday. They said rest over the weekend and come back on Monday for Week 6 ultrasound.

Well, there was no sac. And my level had dropped to 421. At least it's not ectopic. With having gone through this so many times, it's amazing I took it all so calmly and was relieved that it wasn't ectopic.

My doctor was out of town all of last week and we're not scheduled for a phone consult with him until this Thursday. I'm so eager to know what he'll say next. But I'm also somewhat fearful that we're so much closer to the end of line on this. I don't trust my body anymore. The only thing I can think of that may help is whether I need blood thinners or something. I have no idea. My mind is jumping now to gestational carriers and whether that's something we'd actually look into and afford. It's all overwhelming.

B and I are really strained in our marriage. The last couple of months haven't been great. We've been going to counseling once a week and that's been really helpful but I just want us to be normal again and close. Especially when something difficult like this happens.

I'd been bleeding for 10 days and finally stopped today. That constant reminder was becoming to be too much.

When are we going to get our family??? When am I going to feel normal again? I'm sick of being sad all the time and not being able to be myself and interact with others like normal. I can accept that we're not able to have the life we thought we would have and that this is going to be long and difficult but I just want to be able to feel normal about it all.

I know it'll get better and we'll figure it all out. It's just been a hard last 10 days.

Job Change, Genetic Testing, FET #4 & Travel

Gosh, lots has happened since I last wrote. And it's been almost 2 months.

Job:
First, I quit my job in early Jan. I had been thinking about it in Dec and knew when I started up with all the doctor stuff again, that I couldn't keep my energy up about work. As we were planning for 2013, my heart just wasn't in it. I quite citing personal reasons. My boss has known what we're struggling with. Honestly, though, he just became not so nice in the last couple of years and it was really, really hard to quit because I really did like it. I just couldn't take him anymore.

The day I quit felt bittersweet. I had been there almost 5 years and headed up HR for this organization that was 45 people when I joined and was 150 when I left. We went global. I did a lot for them and I'm quite proud of my work there.

By the next day, I felt complete relief.

In the meantime, I had been interviewing with 2 other opportunities and ended up in a situation where BOTH wanted me. I could hardly believe it. It felt so good to be wooed after having felt like I wasn't doing a great job for over a year. I decided to go with the less exciting job where I felt like I could still make an impact with little stress. It felt like a good culture fit and where I could walk to work again. I took a month in between. I start on March 4.

Genetic Testing & FET #4:
We did genetic testing through our clinic with Na.tera on our remaining 4 frozen embryos. One didn't  survive, and of the remaining 3, only one was good/normal. I can't exactly remember what the other two had - I think one had an extra chromosome 23 which normally doesn't make it thorugh pregnancy (which may be the reason for some of our chemical pregnancies) and the other had an additional chromosome 2 or 3 which doesn't even make it to a positive pregnancy test.

So, we were left with just 1 and transferred that one last Fri, Feb 15. My pregnancy test is next Thurs, Feb 28.

I'm a little anxious but I think I feel that if we need to do another fresh IVF, I'll be hoping that we will have at least 1 or 2 to freeze since I'd rather have 'younger' eggs now than try this again in 1-2 years... but that's a lot of projecting and I'm trying to stay in the moment which brings me to...

Travel!
We had so many miles stored up from putting our IVF fees on our miles credit card that once I quit my job and prior to doing our transfer, I went to Honduras! It was so incredibly gorgeous!!! I went alone for 3 1/2 days to an island called Roatan just off the Gulf/Atlantic cost. It was exactly what I needed.

And tomorrow, I'm getting ready to go to AZ and Palm Springs, CA for 6 days, solo also. I'll be visiting Tucson for the first time and I'll also be going to Scottsdale close to where a friend from high school now lives. And then to CA where I'm excited to see Joshua Tree National Park.

So, lots going on... and for now, all heading in a positive direction!

Last Cycle Negative, Moving to Genetic Testing and Possibly Adoption

Our last cycle in November was negative.

I mostly expected it but what really helped was having B with me when we got the results. Actually, having him take the afternoon off and wait for the call with me and then was with me on speakerphone as I have often heard the words from our nurse, "I'm so sorry but I'm not calling with good news...".

We've had a total of 5 transfers with 6 embryos (all but the last were single transfers).

Our doctor has recommended we move forward with doing genetic testing. We're in process of that right now. I'm eager to know whether any of our 4 remaining embryos are normal. If so, we'll start an FET.

Odd thing is is that I haven't gotten my period since Nov 7. I spotted, for like a minute, around when my period was supposed to come but now we're on 7 weeks with no period - and I'm NOT pregnant. I did bloodwork around the time I was supposed to start another cycle and though I had a glimmer of hope, I would be, who am I kidding...

We went to an orientation session with an adoption agency in the area and had mixed emotions on that. It's definitely something I'm sure I will be grateful for but I'm not sure I'm done grieving not having biological children and adoption is not a replacement for that, I'm learning. It's another path to having a family. There is so much involved with considering family ties to the birth families that I'm not emotionally ready to deal with... one day, but not now. (I think because B is finally on board with considering adoption, it's finally allowing me the space to grieve that our biology may not ever happen...)

So, here we are - a new year closely upon us. Me reflecting on 5 years of my inferitility woes, which, in my opinion, is 5 years too many.

I'm doing some soul-searching this week and next on whether to finally quit my job and take 3-6 months off from my career as we figure this out. My job is a growing role in a fast-pace environment and I haven't been able to keep up for the last two years and infertility and fertility treatments have taken its emotional tolls on me. I'm also interviewing at a couple of places and seeing if a new job would be best for me.

All I know is that we need to figure this out. I think the first part of next year will be about medical options and the second part will hopefully be settling on an adoption agency and taking those steps.

If I don't write again before 2013, happy new year and thank you for being on this heart-wrenching journey with me. Love and hugs to you all!

Part-Time Work Solution & New Protocol

I am so relieved today because I am starting a part-time schedule!

I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner. I was starting to feel like I just couldn't do it all and have been wanting to quit for months and months now. My husband kept convincing me that I love my job and that I'd have too much time on my hands but I still couldn't shake the weight of trying to do it all.

And then I thought - it doesn't have to be all or nothing, does it? So, I came up with an exact 50/50 compromise - go part-time!

I started talking to my boss about it last week. It was a pretty emotional conversation and he really felt for me - something I hardly get from him. I told him how I just felt like I was at the end of my rope with all the medical stuff we were doing to try to have biological children and how this next procedure may be my last. I explained that I was having trouble holding it altogether and that something had to give. I even said that who knows the role stress has to do with this but I want to feel like I've given it my all.

He even said 'is part-time going to be enough for you?' and offered that they could be flexible if I wanted a leave of absence. Just knowing I had his support was tremendous. I've arranged my schedule to be 50% for the next 8 weeks and see what happens. I also got an appropriate, non-invasive note from our CEO giving his support for what I was doing. That felt really good too.

The biggest change happening with our upcoming FET is that my doctor has done uterine biopsies on me. They say that it can increase implantation. So, I'm hopeful with our new protocol.

We are also going to transfer 2 embryos this time - for the first time. My doctor says that having had 4 transfers already, transferring 1 only has a 30% chance, whereas transferring 2 has a 50% chance (with these biopsies) for a singleton and 25% chance of twins.

For the first time in a long time last night, B and I were laughing and discussing names for single sex twins. I don't remember the last time we've laughed about the possibility of naming our child(ren)!

It feels so good to be relaxed and hopeful again.

We start meds this Wed and transfer is on Oct 16.

Here's to a new cycle!

Processing Negative Results from IVF #2

It's been about 2 weeks of processing our second fresh IVF negative result. And it's our 4th overall IVF (we've done 2 fresh and 2 FETs).

What a blow. I thought I was going to be all peaceful no matter what. I really practiced being calm, collected, etc. I meditated everyday this cycle. I did acupuncture. I kept work stress to a minimum. But no matter how prepared we are, I guess a negative result is a blow (to most of us).

Oh, so upsetting. I just want to throw the towel in. I just don't understand. 4 cycles of failure? How much more can one keep doing? When does this not start to feel like beating a dead horse (I hate that expression by the way) pointless and endless.

I don't know how I keep going without it affecting my psyche. It's all I can do most of the time to not feel depressed. Do I just continue to keep my social activities to a minimum? Make sure I don't put too much into work to not be stressed? Keep pulling back on all other aspects of my life?

Either way, this isn't healthy. I don't want IVF to rule my life. But I don't have energy for much else either.

We just got back from taking a week's vacation... it was a bit random of a vacation but tied some fun things into my husband's 20 year reunion in NC. We took some time in the mountains to ourselves. We saw his family for one day. We actually had a GREAT time at the reunion (well, mostly me! I guess when the pressure is not on you, you have a better time!!), and saw a friend in Roanoke, VA.

It was so incredibly refreshing to "get away from it all". After 2-3 days, I really felt like I had left my problems somewhere else. And Plan B started to become a lot clearer for me. Or at least, the end to Plan A or a break from Plan A.

Here it is:

• Go into an FET (we have 6 frozen embryos and this time we will transfer 2).
• I think I'm done at this point after this one. I don't have much more stamina in me to keep going and it really does seem pointless. We've been going non-stop since Jan. Seeing an end to all of this is both sad and a relief. I will need to process that.
• Because it may be too difficult to end this completely, I may just be on a break, but it will need to be a serious break with the potential of not going back to this.
• My husband wants to do genetic testing on our embryos to see if that may be a problem. He'd be more interested in doing gestational carrier (either my best friend who has offered or looking into India or something).
• I'm not as keen on that because it still involves my body and IVF in some fashion...
• He has promised me that we can start more seriously considering adoption this fall so if this next cycle is a negative, we will go to an adoption expo in our town and I want us to start actively talking to a couple of agencies and people who have done various types of adoption to see what feels right for us.

This all isn't easy as next steps but it feels best to me to leave this stuff behind us if we have another negative. I feel like 5 negatives is enough. Enough is enough. I want to move onto something else that can feel more hopeful. I want to stop feeling like our house feels so empty. I want us to get our first child already.

IVF #2 - Here We Go!

We started. This past Monday with meds. Gon.al and Meno.pur. Double dozing on Meno.pur this time to more high quality eggs. Still 40% chance.

Big difference this time is that we're going to transfer 2.

We transferred 1 for IVF #1 with the ectopic and transferred 1 each for our 2 FETs. Schnothing on those.

Other big differences this time:
1. Daily meditation - I've been pretty good about doing 10 min quiet meditation almost every day.
2. Acupuncture - Started last week and giving this a shot.

I want to try to pull out all the stops for this. The other potential major decision is that I will likely need a very long break before thinking about this with the possibility of looking at adoption. I'm not closing myself off to this altogether but it has felt exhausting to continue to put energy into something that isn't getting us anywhere. I feel like we continue to live in a home just waiting to be filled with children and I can't take this anymore.

So, I'm trying to be at peace with it all. And I think I am for the most part. The thought of continuing cycle after cycle is what depresses me. The only hard part that remains is knowing how badly my husband wants biological children. So, I need to continue to weigh all of that, but I also know my mental health cannot continue to take the kind of hit it's been taking.

Wish us luck!