Decisions, Decisions

We've been seeking a second opinion now on our last two cycles thinking that we would transfer to them on a next cycle. That was going to be the next big decision.

And it's a huge one to make.

We've done 7 transfers now (with 3 fresh IVFs and 4 frozen cycles), 2 cycles with PGD (genetic testing, which they seem to think is the root of all of our trouble getting and staying pregnant).

We're currently at one of the best clinics in the DC area and under a shared risk program which means we get all of our money back if we don't get pregnant which is a huge consideration.

The other clinic we've been considering is one of the best in the COUNTRY and extremely well-know for its own genetic testing lab. It's out of state for us, but only 4 hours. And it would be super more expensive.

They seem to be all about figuring out the right timing for transfer (after PGD testing) and oftentimes freeze embryos if a woman's progesterone levels have exceeded ideal timing on Day 6.

So, factors that went into our decision:

Pros of Staying with Current Clinic:

• We know them well and like them; being familiar with how things work takes some stress out of the process
• They are willing to change up our protocol to do PGD testing and not do a fresh transfer which is reassuring because even though going into a frozen cycle will take longer, I don't have the confidence that they have the timing down the way the out of state clinic does
• It's less expensive
• It doesn't require travel and working remotely

Pros of Going to the Other Clinic:

• They are one of the best in the country
• They have seemed to be able to give us good advice on our last two cycles after the fact
• They do in-house PGD genetic testing
• They know the ideal timing and there's a chance we'd be within that timing window to do a fresh transfer thereby minimizing time

Cons of Staying with Current Clinic:

• What if after all that time - and we're talking mid-Dec before we'd get results from the frozen cycle - it doesn't work, would I regret not transferring clinics?
• They don't have in-house genetic testing (but I trust who they are outsourcing it to... still there's the extra element of shipping...)
• It may unnecssarily take longer because we'll automatically be doing a frozen cycle and transfer after the fresh IVF with PGD testing

Cons of Going to the Other Clinic:

• It's super expensive
• It would require travel which could be stressful as well as juggling working remotely (though it's do-able and my boss is supportive)
• The newness of how everything works could be stressful (though they have seemed to be really great to work with)
• Did I mention how super expensive it is??

So... big decision was:

Stay with Current Clinic.

I think I just felt better knowing there wouldn't be too much change right now even if this takes us 2 additional months. 

And if this doesn't work, then we're transferring clinics in January! Let's hope (please!!) that we don't have to do that...

I Allowed Myelf to Fantasize

I kinda can't believe I let myself.

In the brief few days of when I was expecting my cycle and it wasn't coming... I allowed myself to fantasize that there could be the most minute possibly that we were pregnant naturally.

Wouldn't that have been amazing/annoying?!?

Yes, I secretly wanted to be one of 'them'. And thought I really might be...

I know my cycle is usually a little messed up after a transfer. I know that. But I was still thinking, maybe, just maybe this time...

I knew it was a long shot. Such a long shot. We're about to transfer clinics to going out of town. We're transfering because our case has become so hard that one of the best clinics in our area can't really help us anymore. We're at that point... and I seriously thought for a second that maybe we were pregnant on our own? We're about to spend how many more thousand dollars by going to this other clinic and I thought what???

But I did. And for a couple of those days, those fleeting thoughts were just beautiful. That it was finally happening to me... for me. It was unreal. It was blissful. It was... I don't even have the words.

And I don't have them because I didn't let myself feel that too deeply. And I didn't have them because I have not let myself feel that in oh-so-long.

I've survived more recently by not allowing myself to feel that anymore. By moving on. By trying to be happy thinking of building our families in other ways.

I met a friend of mine who was in my Re.solve support group who is 29 weeks pregnant now and hearing that bliss from her both made me so happy for her and made me realize how numb I've become to knowing what that feeling must feel like.

It brought me back to our last cycle when I literally cried and screamed from the needles of meno.pur because they hurt that badly and on top of it, my heart and mind couldn't get over that most people feel pleasure in creating a baby, not painful needles. And how I was brought back once again to how unfair this whole thing can be. How unfair it's been that I can't be in that naive place ever again of thinking trying to conceive can be so easy and blissful.

It sucks, but it's ok. I go back to not fantisizing anymore. I go back to the home pregnancy test I bought yesterday that showed just that one line. That too-familiar one line. And I think, that's ok. I know this routine. This is what I'm used to and it'll be ok.

It just would've been nice...

It would have been nice to feel that bliss.

Consult with RE/Next Steps/Summer Plans

We got a phone consult with our RE last week, two weeks after the negative result.

I was initially annoyed that he was unavailable that first week and then took so long to call the second week, but in retrospect, I think it's better to have a little time in between to not be so highly emotional.

It was pretty interesting. He basically told us he'd give this one more try and then if that didn't work, we'd need to consider going to R.M.A. or Cor.nell. Whoa. Not sure if he said R.M.A. because he knew we were already talking with them or because they really are that good... but hearing Cor.nell really got me. That's really big guns. That means there's serious stuff going on with us that he can't resolve.

And he's stumped. And showed empathy for us which I appreciated. I keep thinking that sometimes there really aren't answers to this. Most of the time there are, but sometimes there really aren't. And we're in that camp now.

The one thing he said was that there's debate on whether progesterone levels should be under 2.0 or 1.5 at retrieval time to go into a transfer. My level was 1.8. He said he'd go extremely conservatively next round and freeze embryos if I'm over 1.5...

The thing is, I think I'm ready to leave him. If we go through one more IVF with him (with PGD genetic testing) and we have to possibly freeze, which I'd be ok with, we're looking at another 3-4 months for a cycle to possibly work. That would take us through the end of the year, essentially.

And I've got very little stamina left with all of this.

When we met with R.M.A. in May, they told us that we should get pregnant with them within 2-3 cycles. We're going to consult with them again and see what their reaction is to this last failed cycle. Does that count as 1 of those 2-3 in their minds? I would guess not.

They have genetic testing right there in their labs and I just think they do things that are probably a little bit of a leg up on what my RE does. And at this point in our journey, I need all the little legs up possible.

But... that would mean a more expensive journey. It would mean being out of state for a bit during cycles (luckily within driving distance but still...).

So a lot to consider coming up for us but I think deep down, I think we need to go with the big guns at this point.

And I say that fully recognizing that we are so fortunate to be able to make that choice. It will be financially difficult for us but not impossible and for that, I feel truly blessed and grateful.

I'm also using this time in between to be productive and happy. We've got lots of fun stuff planned for this summer that includes:

• Training for a 1/2 marathon over Labor Day weekend! 
• Last weekend was my 20th high school reunion which was SO much fun! 
• This weekend I'm going to a church retreat that I'm looking forward to
• Weekend after that is a long weekend at a nearby beach with my husband
• Then a week-long beach trip to SC that we do every year with friends at a beach house which is both tons of fun and super relaxing. (Though good luck to me this year when I'll have to likely wake up at 5am to get my 10 mile runs in before sunrise!!)
• Labor Day weekend 1/2 marathon 
• Following weekend a wedding in Santa Fe, NM

I'm also grateful for feeling more positive in general. So, here's to the rest of a fun summer and onto figuring out next steps, and being happy in between it all!

Will It Ever Be My Turn?

I'm not pregnant. Today's results were negative from our 7th transfer & 3rd fresh IVF.

I don't know that I had that much hope, but still. This sucks. And I guess I've known since last Tuesday. That's when I noticed blood. I was at work and had to go outside and cry. I spotted for 3 days and I was secretly hoping it was that implantation blood people sometimes talk about, but I knew it probably wasn't. And then I started bleeding heavily on Friday and it hasn't stopped.

Don't know what happened. Our doctor said we had a 60% chance this time and he was excited for us. I forgot to think about that 40%. Sometimes his over-optimism gets me.

I don't know if this is just another fluke and just part of that 40%. I'd like to know if it's my egg quality, if the genetic testing we did on our embryos didn't test for enough, if there's something else that could be going on.

It was so discouraging to get our credit card bill last week too. We'll owe about $9k for this, with the drugs and extra costs for the genetic testing (otherwise we're on a shared risk program...). But all that down the tubes.

Oh well.

I'm bummed, but I'm not shocked by this anymore. Seven transfers.

Our doctor is apparently out of the country this week so we won't get to talk to him until next week. We have travel in August and early Sept so the soonest we could try again is in Sept. We're considering moving up to a clinic in NJ.

I need to focus on me again. I went to bik.ram yoga tonight. I'm tempted to sign up for a 1/2 marathon over Labor Day weekend that I've been wanting to do for years...

I'm bummed but ready to focus on me for the next 2 months...

Two Embryos in the Oven

I've got two embryos in the oven and hoping for the best.

We did PGD testing on our embryos again and this was the first time our clinic could offer us same cycle transfer with the testing. They shipped our biopsies on day 5 and they were shipped back by 9am the next day for a Day 6 transfer!

We got 11 eggs, did ICSI (which is recommended for PGD testing) and 8 fertilized. Of the 8, 5 were ready by Day 5 for biopsy and of those 5, only 2 came back with normal genetics. Those 2 were a grade 2 out of 4 and a grade 2-3 out of 4 (whatever that means).

Our doctor recommended we transfer two based on this. With a single transfer, we would have had a 35% chance of pregnancy. With transferring two, we have a 60% chance of a single pregnancy and a 25% chance of twins.

Let's see what happens. I hope I can remain peaceful in this 2 week wait and particularly peaceful if it's a negative result. I think I can.

And I'm also concerned that even if it's a positive result on July 8, that something will happen 1-2 weeks after that as it has to us so many times now, but this is why we're doing all this genetic testing.

I've got to stay hopeful and peaceful.

"Free and Easy" IVF #3

My husband is calling me "free and easy" these days. It's a quote that the Wash.ington Na.tionals Manager uses a lot to describe his management style! I guess B. feels like my positive upswing and they way I've been handling going into our next IVF captures that sentiment.

I've taken a whole new approach with our fresh IVF #3 cycle: I'm minimizing it.

I've minimized it to the point that I've told NO ONE it's even happening outside of my husband (ha! obviously!!), our therapist and my support group. No one else knows. At least from me. Not my family. Not my best friend. No one.

And I've told B that with whoever he tells, to them them that I've been so positive these days by minimizing it that contrary to how I handled previous cycles, I don't want to talk about it. His family is visiting this weekend and I even told him to tell them not to ruin my zen place by bringing it up!

So, how has it been going? Really well! Here's my progress:

• Still LOVING the new job!
• Down 6 lbs on Wei.ght Wat.chers after 2 1/2 months!
• Increased bik.ram yoga to 3-4x/week and running 1-2x/week
• Our marriage is awesome

I know I'm still burying the hurt and sadness of infertility a bit by I've also chosen to focus on ALL of the great things happeneing to me instead of the ONE thing that isn't. And that's made me A LOT happier. 

I've also been realizing that lots of people have sucky things happening to them and I'm just one of them. And approaching life with what IS working is better than what ISN'T. 

When I was searching 'infetility woes' a couple of months ago, I came across this post which just resonated so much. I've spent my entire mid-30s - 5 years! - being sad, depressed and letting this characterize my 30s. Well, after I read that, I thought, I'm not going to let that be me anymore. I'm not going to let infertility define my life anymore.

So far so good. 

Egg retrieval was today. We'll see about the rest. I'm not going to sweat it. Things will work out one way or another. With this. With life in general. I'm riding this "free and easy" right now. 

On a Positive Upswing

I did have a little set-back a few weeks ago but I am doing so much better now!

It's interesting too, since this week marked 8 weeks since my miscarriage and that I'm actually STILL going through it. Yes, I'm still bleeding and my hcg is only down to 18. (It's been a very, very slow climb down the last 5 weeks in particular).

But I am doing great and here's some reasons why:

• I'm LOVING my new job! I think changing jobs after 5 years was really the kick I needed to infuse my life with new energy. I was stagnant and not feeling valued there (by not providing enough value because I was feeling stagnant, vicious circle). Much as I loved that job and had mixed feelings to leave, I absolutely love, love, love my new job. Two months in and I really jive with my boss and the senior team and I love commuting to work on my bike again!
• I'm having success with Wei.ght Wat.chers again! I joined 4 weeks ago and have lost 2.5lbs so far (I've got a mini 5lb goal and an overall 10 lb goal (I'm short so those are 'more'/harder than one may think). 
• I'm exercising a lot again--whether it's been bik.ram yoga 2x/week, biking to work everyday (which is only 1.5 miles each way, but still...) or running 2x/week, it has all felt great. I want to  try to do one more yoga a week but I'm really proud of this!
• My marriage is so much better! Counseling once a week for the last 3 months has really helped to turn us around. I realize my depression and sadness were starting to turn toward him and that wasn't good. I had started not appreciating him which wasn't good. We've worked on some things (mostly me) and now we're so happy again!
• I'm appreciating all the great things in my life... and not dwelling anymore (as much) on the thing we don't have. I think by focusing on the things I really like - taking advantage of the int'l film fest that came to DC recently, going to baseball games again, doing my yoga and running, etc. helped my energy level on things that are great about my life.
• Still making progress on family building. I finally got most of my medical records for our consult on May 24 which was a big hurdle. We're going to R.M.A. in NJ and making a weekend in NY out of it so that's good.
• Being on a somewhat forced break because I'm still bleeding and my hcg isn't back to 0 has actually given me the freedom to not be in that rat race with it all, which has been good.

So, hopefully that's enough to keep this positive energy up!