Forced Break is Doing Me Good... in the Galapagos too!

It's been awhile... a long while. I guess it's kind of nice NOT ttc'ing! The forced break has been really, really good. So has zo.loft!

Here are some highlights from the last few weeks:

• A trip to the Galapagos Islands solo! My husband couldn't come and he knows how much I love & need to travel so I just hooked onto a tour group and it was so much fun!! Giant tortoises and swimming with sea turtles and getting up really close to all the animals and birds were incredible. And I loved meeting all the new & random people I met. Here are some fun pics from that!

a giant tortoise

red sally lightfoot crabs

iguana

blue footed booby bird

B's 40th Surprise Birthday Party - I have spent the last 6 weeks planning a surprise party for B and it was awesome! It's so true that it is better to give than to receive. Giving him this party made me so, so happy!! I themed it 20x2 and blew up pictures of him around age 20 to make him feel half his age again! Here's his cake (and now you know his name...):

• Bought a 3 month pass to my favorite bik.ram yoga studio! Being able to plan that far in advance was amazing.
• Went to NYC to see Annie with my childhood friend who lives there now. We "played" Annie so much when we were younger that it was so special to see this with her in real life... and I just LOVE New York City!!

Those are just some of the highlights. It's been a great ~2ish months!

Next Steps with IF: waiting to get a regular period to start bcp and start a new cycle. We have 1 frozen embryo but I really want to transfer 2 and/or have another leftover for sibling #2. We have to do genetic testing on our embryos so we have to freeze our embryos while they're being tested and then I have to start a new FET. Kind of a pain but needs to be done. 

The likelihood of a transfer is now March or April. 

I will just keep trying to enjoy life in the meantime!

Hope you all had nice holidays!

Retrieval #5 - Cancelled!

How things can change so quickly!

We started stimming on Sunday for our Retrieval #5. By Tues, Day 3 into stimming, it looked like there might be a leading follicle and no significant growth behind it. By Wed, they determined they needed to cancel the cycle.

I'm pretty bummed. I was awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night last night just processing it.

I mean, of course, I understand that these things happen, and can happen and it happened to me. So, I can take that. But it just seems kind of endless on things happening to me too! I mean, how many times do I need to go through things in order for this to happen for us?

On the one hand, I've been taking this relatively calmly. I think the zo.loft has helped a lot. On the other hand, I want to feel like I'm making progress toward this.

This year alone, I've had 1 positive IVF followed closely by a miscarriage, 1 negative IVF, 1 retrieval cycle resulting in one embryo that we haven't transferred yet and now 1 cancelled retrieval cycle. All of these with embryo genetic testing involved.

I'll be able to get started again after Christmas with the way my cycle will shake out and the holiday lab closures, so that will also mean I can still go on a trip which I'd like to start looking forward to (I'm thinking the Galapagos Islands!).

But this is a two month digression.

I've always done really well during forced breaks, so I'm going to focus on me without worry of appts, meds or anything else which is extremely freeing. I'm going to recommit to Wei.ght Watchers. (I lost the weight between April-July and then regained it between August & Sept), I'm going to plan this trip and hope for the best with the next cycle.

And I'm going to continue to be grateful for taking the step to be on zo.loft. It's really added a lot more calm to my life.

Retrieval #5 and Other Updates

I was quite despairing a couple of weeks ago and I decided to do two things:

• Get on anti-depressants
• Move forward with another retrieval

On the anti-depressants, I'm 10 days into zo.loft at this point and much as I really, really did not want to be on anti-depressants for several reasons (not wanting to be on drugs while trying to conceive, wanting to be able to feel better on my own, the stigma, etc.), I realized I was at an all-time low. And I probably have been on and off for the last couple of years. In retrospect, I wish I had started taking them 2 years ago. 

My therapist and RE are supportive of me doing this and I'm working with a psychiatrist. The first week wasn't great - I was having headaches and getting sleepy much earlier but by 1 week, it's feeling better. Not 100% probably but much better. So I'm glad about that.

On the retrieval, I just felt like I couldn't go through with an FET with just 1 embryo. It didn't feel hopeful enough to me and I really also want 2 children, not just 1, so I'd like to be able to transfer 2 embryos and/or have one hopefully saved for later on. Thankfully, my RE was supportive of going through another stim and retrieval. 

I start meds today for stimming and while these next couple of weeks are going to be intense with shots and appointments and ultimately (hopefully) a retrieval, I'm feeling better overall and better about our plan.

This plan also allows us to get our genetic testing results from our embryos by 2nd week of Dec and I'm planning to take a month off to plan a trip around Christmastime.

So, that's the plan and I'm so grateful to be feeling better.

PGD Results & Anxiety Over Next Steps

I wrote this 1-2 weeks ago and I still want to publish it even though I have another update...

We got our genetic testing back on our 5 embryos and were quite disappointed. We have just 1 viable embryo from that batch. One.

My nurse is great and said "all it takes it one...".

I know she's right but I couldn't help but despair.

We're almost six years into this. Six years. And all I know is sadness and stress around family building.

I've been so hoping that we could just 'get this over with' and have twins somehow in our next cycle. But that's not even a possibility now.

So, what do we do? Our choices seem to be:

• Move forward with an FET with this one embryo. In the past our doctor has said that it's a 30-40% chance of pregnancy.
• Go through another retrieval to try to get at least one more viable embryo so that if we transfer 2 embryos, we have a 60% chance of a single pregnancy (and 25% chance of twins). If we end up with more than an additional one, we can 'bank' a future child if we end up with a single pregnancy.

We have a consult with our doctor on Friday but we already know that he'll support us either way, he's told our nurse. If we want to do another retrieval that would be fine, but he's told her that he wouldn't want to recommend that because IVFs are stressful and we already have one embryo.

I'm having a hard time making this decision. On the one hand, stomaching another IVF/retrieval seems stressful, but am I only looking at short-term pain when it could be long-term gain? On the other hand, I may only have enough energy for an FET at this point and if my nurse is right, all it takes is one, then maybe we just do that. 

I think what I need are anti-depressants. I met with a psychiatrist on Tues and I think I'm going to get the prescription filled today. 

Retrieval #4

It's weird that I can't fully say IVF #4 because we're splitting this IVF into a retrieval and FET.

So, I just had retrieval #4 last Thursday. It all went well. The shots and appointments leading up were stressful as usual, but not too, too bad.

(I did get to record my favorite relief pitcher when we were at a recent baseball game and watched his intro song and warm up prior to each menopur shot! Hey, whatever gets you through, right? He's rrrrrreally cute!! (Cr.aig Sta.mmen in case anyone is wondering!)).

I digress.

Oh yes, retrieval #4.

So, the appts leading up were weird because we had 1-2 leading follicles and we needed a bunch more since we are doing PGD (genetic) testing on our embryos. So, they kept upping my meds and then decreasing them because my estrogen would get too high. In the end, I had no idea if this second batch would 'catch up' to the leading follicle(s).

But they did. They ended up getting 18 eggs which I also thought was weird since they had been meansuring about 10 follicles the whole time. It turned out that many of those eggs were not mature which I figured would be the case.

So, we got 10, 7 fertilized and it's looking like 6, maybe 7 are making it to blast today. I haven't heard the report yet and may not until tomorrow which is when we'd get the genetic testing report back.

The next plan, if we have genetically-viable embryos is to transfer 2 back with an frozen embryo transfer. I should get my period sometime this coming weekend and then back on birth control pills and then meds for an FET.

If all this goes according to plan, we should have results by early Dec.

It's all giving me a bit of anxiety - this prolonged cycle because the not knowing gets dragged out, and not being able to plan much in the coming weeks because I don't know when my dates will be for what, and mostly thinking about a negative result going into the holiday season.

If we're not pregnant, I'm hoping I can escape the holidays by my husband and me going on a trip between Christmas and New Year's.

But, one day at a time.

Decisions, Decisions

We've been seeking a second opinion now on our last two cycles thinking that we would transfer to them on a next cycle. That was going to be the next big decision.

And it's a huge one to make.

We've done 7 transfers now (with 3 fresh IVFs and 4 frozen cycles), 2 cycles with PGD (genetic testing, which they seem to think is the root of all of our trouble getting and staying pregnant).

We're currently at one of the best clinics in the DC area and under a shared risk program which means we get all of our money back if we don't get pregnant which is a huge consideration.

The other clinic we've been considering is one of the best in the COUNTRY and extremely well-know for its own genetic testing lab. It's out of state for us, but only 4 hours. And it would be super more expensive.

They seem to be all about figuring out the right timing for transfer (after PGD testing) and oftentimes freeze embryos if a woman's progesterone levels have exceeded ideal timing on Day 6.

So, factors that went into our decision:

Pros of Staying with Current Clinic:

• We know them well and like them; being familiar with how things work takes some stress out of the process
• They are willing to change up our protocol to do PGD testing and not do a fresh transfer which is reassuring because even though going into a frozen cycle will take longer, I don't have the confidence that they have the timing down the way the out of state clinic does
• It's less expensive
• It doesn't require travel and working remotely

Pros of Going to the Other Clinic:

• They are one of the best in the country
• They have seemed to be able to give us good advice on our last two cycles after the fact
• They do in-house PGD genetic testing
• They know the ideal timing and there's a chance we'd be within that timing window to do a fresh transfer thereby minimizing time

Cons of Staying with Current Clinic:

• What if after all that time - and we're talking mid-Dec before we'd get results from the frozen cycle - it doesn't work, would I regret not transferring clinics?
• They don't have in-house genetic testing (but I trust who they are outsourcing it to... still there's the extra element of shipping...)
• It may unnecssarily take longer because we'll automatically be doing a frozen cycle and transfer after the fresh IVF with PGD testing

Cons of Going to the Other Clinic:

• It's super expensive
• It would require travel which could be stressful as well as juggling working remotely (though it's do-able and my boss is supportive)
• The newness of how everything works could be stressful (though they have seemed to be really great to work with)
• Did I mention how super expensive it is??

So... big decision was:

Stay with Current Clinic.

I think I just felt better knowing there wouldn't be too much change right now even if this takes us 2 additional months. 

And if this doesn't work, then we're transferring clinics in January! Let's hope (please!!) that we don't have to do that...

I Allowed Myelf to Fantasize

I kinda can't believe I let myself.

In the brief few days of when I was expecting my cycle and it wasn't coming... I allowed myself to fantasize that there could be the most minute possibly that we were pregnant naturally.

Wouldn't that have been amazing/annoying?!?

Yes, I secretly wanted to be one of 'them'. And thought I really might be...

I know my cycle is usually a little messed up after a transfer. I know that. But I was still thinking, maybe, just maybe this time...

I knew it was a long shot. Such a long shot. We're about to transfer clinics to going out of town. We're transfering because our case has become so hard that one of the best clinics in our area can't really help us anymore. We're at that point... and I seriously thought for a second that maybe we were pregnant on our own? We're about to spend how many more thousand dollars by going to this other clinic and I thought what???

But I did. And for a couple of those days, those fleeting thoughts were just beautiful. That it was finally happening to me... for me. It was unreal. It was blissful. It was... I don't even have the words.

And I don't have them because I didn't let myself feel that too deeply. And I didn't have them because I have not let myself feel that in oh-so-long.

I've survived more recently by not allowing myself to feel that anymore. By moving on. By trying to be happy thinking of building our families in other ways.

I met a friend of mine who was in my Re.solve support group who is 29 weeks pregnant now and hearing that bliss from her both made me so happy for her and made me realize how numb I've become to knowing what that feeling must feel like.

It brought me back to our last cycle when I literally cried and screamed from the needles of meno.pur because they hurt that badly and on top of it, my heart and mind couldn't get over that most people feel pleasure in creating a baby, not painful needles. And how I was brought back once again to how unfair this whole thing can be. How unfair it's been that I can't be in that naive place ever again of thinking trying to conceive can be so easy and blissful.

It sucks, but it's ok. I go back to not fantisizing anymore. I go back to the home pregnancy test I bought yesterday that showed just that one line. That too-familiar one line. And I think, that's ok. I know this routine. This is what I'm used to and it'll be ok.

It just would've been nice...

It would have been nice to feel that bliss.