Commemoration

Turns out my resolution continues, it's not just a "I'm done, I'm resolved."

This week I did two things:

1. I finally decided to have a closure phone consult with our doctor.

We had sent him the results of the autopsy back in March when we got them. He called and expressed empathy and said he was around if we wanted to chat. At the time I thought what's the point.

But talking to him kept lingering in my mind and I finally decided that it could help to bring full closure.

I expected we'd have to wait weeks but turns out the pandemic has made doctors, or fertility doctors more available. So within 3 days we had the appt.

We talked to him yesterday and honestly, it just felt sad. It felt like it had re-opened a wound that I was closing. I got teary-eyed a bit after we got off the video call with him.

The main thing I wanted to know was - did just a bunch of random bad stuff happen to us? And what was the meaning of the last miscarriage.

He basically said that it was random - that the quality of my eggs had nothing to do with it. The quality of the egg has to do with implantation. And that this was a developmental abnormality that doesn't happen often but of the developmental abnormalities, this was the most common - the abdominal wall defect.

We brought up donor egg in a surrogate with him again, went over broad costs and likelihood of that working and it's interesting - it felt hopeful. And that's his job - to create hope when there isn't any or when it feels like there is very little. I felt like I was getting swept up in it again...

But then reality hit. We're in a pandemic, things would take longer. We're already in a lot of debt, this would just add to it. And the complicated-ness of sharing eggs or not and those costs. But mostly, I don't have the emotional stamina to continue. And he said, you can give yourself the ok to stop as well. You've earned that right. That was interesting.

And I go back to - if someone could just place a health baby in my arms, it would be no question. But it doesn't work that way, at least not for most people and not for us.

And we have D and he's amazing and I'm ready to get on with my life without this part-time hugely emotional job.

2. Commemoration.

I'd been thinking about how do I commemorate this last pregnancy - the one that made it to 14.5 weeks. Do I commemorate that one and not all the other loses I've had? Honestly, I don't even know what that number is - 11?

But I do think this one is different. I had already named him - A. Do I do something with his name? Put something on a wall? Plant something? What? What would seem appropriate and not too much? Something that would ease the pain and not add to it every time I saw it?

I love Li.sa Leon.ard designs. She's so creative and the ability to add a pearl to jewelry is the perfect gift to recognize an additional component without naming it.

We got L a necklace with her son's name and a pearl to signify that she carried D but he's not her family.

And I'd been thinking about getting something similar for K and for N - so I just ordered those up.

And then I was looking for me - I don't wear jewelry a lot and I didn't think I'd want something with D's name or initial on it so I decided on a necklace with his birth flower and a pearl to signify both A who didn't make it and that pearl can just signify all those that didn't come.

Here's what it will look like:

I'm excited to get it.

I'm looking forward to continuing to move forward while also honoring what's happened with our journey.

Resolution

Last week, as National Infertility Awareness Week was winding down, I started drafting a post in my head, then into face.book, and then kept going back to it for the next couple of days to add things and tweak things.

We're at the end of our journey. I've been resolved to it.

I almost wrote I resolved it, but it wasn't a truly active choice, it was very much by default. Unfortunately.

I didn't get the 3 kids I originally wanted. I didn't even get 2, after having 5 embryos left after D was born - after D finally came into our lives.

But it IS resolved. And it feels good in most ways, in many ways. Not the outcome. Not what we wanted. But to be DONE. To carry on without this constant side project going on. The one that takes so much out of me.

I also think Co.vid got me there more quickly than I might have. Whether it was going to be more fertility treatments via surrogacy and donor egg or adoption, those options would have had some significant delays and uncertainty that I don't think I could have handled on top of the already super uncertain aspects of them.

(Seriously, my heart goes out to those in waiting on both fertility treatments and adoption right now, I can't imagine having to wait any longer or having things be put on hold for unforeseen amounts of time. What always helped me was planning the next phase and I really don't know how people are handling not being able to do that right now).

We saw my parents last week for a physically distanced party on their front lawn and they asked how I was doing about it and I basically said that, that we decided we're done and while it's still not what I want/would want, I needed to take the active step to resolve this so that I don't have something hanging over me, so that I could be fully present.

Taking that active step was more of a force right now than staying in limbo-land continuing to hope.

It also goes to show that:

• Two things can be true at once - the wanting for something and the wanting it to end
• The pull of something is what will propel us even if reluctantly
• I would never have imagined that I would have gone through the first 9-10 years of treatment pursuing a child, and then 2-3 years of additional surrogacy plans pursuing a second child, and when people asked me 'how do you do it?', this is the only answer I have: I couldn't not do it; it's the pull that propelled me forward, fueled my continuance even when I had little energy to muster up for it

And to the question of why fertility treatments and/or surrogacy vs adoption all this time? YES. Why?? I questioned myself on that ALL THE TIME. 

Here's the thing - two things:

• Adoption seems like it's the cure-all, the easy option, the more valiant option - but all of those are myths AND it's more complicated that than - we had two people making the decision on this and it's not easy - there are all kinds of questions that crop up on this one that you need to make uncomfortable decisions about (international vs domestic, age of the child, open vs closed, etc, etc, etc) - we did our research, kept coming back to it and while we were right on the edge of pursuing it many times, it just didn't feel right for us, or rather fertility treatments and surrogacy felt more right for us
• The pull of one thing propelled us forward - it's almost like you can't explain it or you take in the 10 factors that you've weighed with this option vs that option and then you go with what you feel is right for you, the collective you, if that's what you are

And today, I'm passing on our baby things. That's huge. And also feels good, in a weird and sad sort of way. 

I'm all about de-cluttering so it feels good to clear things out in general. And I'm not getting rid of everything. I'll keep D's fave baby toys (some of them), I'll keep some of my fave outfits he had. But am I going to keep 20 fave outfits, 20 toys? No. I'd keep all his fave things if I thought another child was coming into this home to use but I need to move on. And I can still keep a few things that I'm not ready to let go of, that is part of D's past (yes, all 2 1/2 years of his past) so that I can reminisce. 

This has all been cathartic for me - writing the post, clearing my head of what we'll pass on as well as physically clearing the stuff.

(And I'm glad that the person we're passing stuff onto is a family member of a friend of a friend who we're helping as a result of this crisis. She was going to get hand me downs at a baby shower now cancelled and she's also lost her job so this will be extremely helpful which makes my heart glad. I also like that it will stay with our 'community'. AND I learned her name is one of the names we had been considering for a baby girl - my grandmother's name - so it's all just very meaningful).

I'm surprised a bit at how quickly I've gotten to this mental state, ready to move on, ready to come to a resolution (which by the way I finally truly understand why the National Infertility Association is named Re.solve). It's only been 2 months-ish since the miscarriage, but again, I think the pandemic moved that decision along more quickly than it might have. 

I've also taken active steps to reduce my meds which feels good as well. My goal is to get off of them as soon as safely and prudently possible mostly so that I can get my body back (though the irony of that is that I'm eating so much more right now, and giving myself the grace to do it and need it).

Resolution. 

Even if the decision came to me passively, I'm still actively resolving, and while not what I wanted, still feels good.

(So many caveats, so many this and this. Because it's not simple).

National Infertility Awareness Week FB Post

Here's what I wrote on my f.b page (and made public) last week. It meant a lot for me to write this all out. The whole journey - the stats, the emotional milestones, everything it encompassed.

This was cathartic:

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and I want to bring light to the fact that 1 in 8 will struggle with infertility and you do not have to do it alone. And you don't realize how slowly the loneliness and despair can creep up on you, if you get to that point. Re.solve, the National Infertility Association, was so necessary for me - I found support groups, resources to share with family and friends when I couldn't find the words and a therapist who has been with me for 10 years. I encourage those of you facing this or know of someone who is facing it to use this resource and consider donating to it. It is invaluable.

Many of you know my story and have been with me to support me throughout it all:
-the quickly realizing I wasn't going to have a baby at the same time as my best friend even though we started family planning at the same time
-crying at a missed period right before a friend's wedding 6 months into 'trying to conceive'
-starting to chart to have 3 months worth of information to show to a doctor that you understand the timing ovulation
-feeling misunderstood when people they tell you to 'just relax' or that they got pregnant when they forgot about it all on a vacation
-letting doctors into the most private parts of our lives
-having the first appointment with an infertility specialist only to sit on the paperwork for 3 months because I couldn't understand it all
-finally getting on board and starting with IUI (intra-uterine  insemination) to have the second attempt end in an early miscarriage right at Thanksgiving
-the only time I’ve ever yelled at my husband was on the IUI medications and as soon as I started yelling I thought “who is this yelling at him?”
-taking the recommendation to have fibroid surgery and opting for the c-section cut so that I could wear a bikini without a scar, only to realize later that my weight has fluctuated so much that I never wore a bikini again
-getting pregnant again on our own twice within 6 months of each other after the surgery to have both times end in early miscarriage
-needing to take a 6 month break because it was too much
-not being on the same page with fertility treatments and adoption, starting marriage counseling
-finding an online blog community and making life-long friends
-taking the (what seemed at the time) HUGE plunge into IVF (and thank goodness we qualified for the shared risk program) only to have the first attempt end in an early miscarriage AND trip to the hospital from work one day because of abdominal pain which resulted in surgery to remove one of my fallopian tubes where the pregnancy was growing
-considering taking anti-depressants but not wanting to for fear of doing all I can to have a successful pregnancy (note: take the anti-depressants, a happier woman IS a healthier woman) (also hint: I started on them later and regretted not starting them sooner; no one should have to suffer that long)
-the year in which I did 4 transfers with negative results
-turning to listening exclusively to Christian radio because my soul needs it
-the Hopeful wall I created when I needed visual reminders of hope and to see how creative my family and friends got, and how those messages stayed up for a few years because that's how much longer it took
-how heartwarming it is when I’ve had to teach my best friend to not problem solve but to be empathetic with me, to let me vent or cry, to say "I know this is hard" and nothing else, and when I got to the point when I could just call her and say “I need you to come over so I can cry in your lap right now”
-the grace I've given to people to say the 'wrong' things
-when it got too difficult for me to go to church on Sunday mornings because I’d get too vulnerable and cry but I hung onto my Wednesday morning small group because I needed that spiritual place
-the perfect prayers my Pastor always seems to have
-not knowing whether a negative result is worse than an early miscarriage
-doing meditation, acupuncture, scaling work back to part-time, trying immunology treatments in Canada because the US bans it for fear of stem cell research, anything, anything, anything to make this work!!!
-wondering if I should change jobs because what if the next cycle works! (guess what - changing jobs each time I needed to was life-giving for me and my employers always understood what I was going through)
-the always having to plan only 2-3 months in advance for any type of travel because what if we were in another cycle, and the start of traveling on my own more because I needed that energy to fuel my next cycle
-the 3 IUIs, 2 surgeries, 8 egg retrievals, a cancelled cycle (leading follicle), 9 embryo transfers to me
-the devastation that it wasn't going to work for me to carry - that I had spent 7 years trying to make that happen
-going to a lawyer to talk about adoption and discovering she also does surrogacy law and realizing after a friend did surrogacy that that seemed to be what felt right for us as a couple
-researching and interviewing surrogacy agencies
-having friends from church, a friend of your brother's, your cousin and sister-in-law all want to be your surrogate
-the surprise bags left on my porch, the countless cards and messages I got from friends, some who were my best friends, some I didn't know that well but who had gone through it and were there for me in amazing, beautiful ways
-needing to get back on anti-depressants and adding in anti-anxiety meds during the surrogacy journey
-growing in my faith and my church family being there for me
-The 2 more years it took to decide on surrogacy, create and freeze embryos and get clearance for the process
-6 embryo transfers to surrogates
-8 miscarriages for me, 3 additional with our surrogates
-12 years total of this 'journey'
-1 extremely loving husband
-1 miracle son

L, one of my brother's best friends and an angel who offered to carry our baby out of the blue when she asked my brother how we were doing and he said 'not great'. N, my cousin who first offered and lives in FL when there was zika at the time and then offered again when we were on a sibling journey, and who had two early miscarriages with us. K, my sister-in-love, who did 3 cycles with us, carried a second baby for us to 14.5 weeks to then have to experience a miscarriage. C who was matched with us through an agency and while we weren't able to move forward, became my in-it-with-me surrogate throughout my remaining journey.

To my family and friends, I thank you for letting me share my pain with you and sounding like a broken record year after year, and for lifting me up when I needed it.

I don't have pictures of the countless needles I had to inject or many of the embryos transferred to me or our surrogates. I do have a video of Halong Bay in Vietnam that I used to watch during injections (because I'm a wimp) and I have the beautiful photos of our surrogates with the hope and love they held for us.

No one should ever have to go through this alone. I'm grateful for my community.

https://resolve.org/

 #infertility #infertilityawareness #infertilitysupport #infertilityjourney #ttc #ivf #fet #fertilityjourney #fertilitytreatment #embryotransfer #niaw2020

Where Do We Go From Here?

Or rather where do I go from here...

I'm the one that is conflicted. B is grieving our loss but he's done.

Whereas I'm grieving but it's an open question to me on continuing to pursue a sibling for D.

My heart has kept tugging at me. I so badly want a sibling for D. And it's created inner conflict that feels super unsettling.

The question I've kept coming back to though is: why haven't I done anything about it??

It's perplexing. Usually I'm always all ready with Plan B and I get going on it. I was ready to do that within a week of losing the baby, the pregnancy. And then I knew we needed to allow time for grief.

Ok, so we've done that, at least a fair amount. In therapy two weeks ago, it felt extremely cathartic to have a big cry, a cry that lasted all session. A cry that continued when I told B about the letters I wrote to baby A and to our little D.

I had therapy again this past Friday and it was really illuminating. We didn't get to it until the end but I realized the reason I haven't done anything about it and the reason I could potentially get to a peaceful place about it all:

Pursuing a sibling for D would mean not just work, and not just emotional work but also the risk of potential loss. With adoption, it could be the family changing their minds and with donor egg with a surrogate, it could mean miscarriage.

Both of those options would likely have a positive result too, but as B said, if you had told us that the last 5 embryos wouldn't turn into babies and that 3 of them would be miscarriages, we wouldn't have believed it. We would've thought, and in fact, we DID think - this is bound to work.

So... I think I could live with: I did always want a sibling for D, my heart ached for it, but I couldn't go thorugh with the risk for continued potential loss.

And I know there are other benefits too:

• I wouldn't have a part-time job anymore (of pursuing another child)
• I could get off my meds and feel better physically (weight-wise, libido-wise)
• We could focus on D (even though we already do)
• We could have closure
• We could pay off our surrogacy debt even though it would be worthwhile to continue to be financially in the hole for another child

But none of the benefits on this list was making me feel settled UNTIL I got to the part about:

• We wouldn't risk future potential loss

Which is really what I think would be too painful.

I also talked to my good friend, A, who IS an only child and I never thought to ask her from her perspective what it's like - my most worrisome thing is having D not be alone in decision making for us later on. And she said she's got her spouse to help make those decisions. And not that it's a guarantee that D would have a partner, but he'd have friends, cousins and others he could bounce his thoughts off of. So that made me feel better.

She also said that growing up she loved being an only child. She liked having all the attention. And now having two girls, she knows that it's that much harder to save for two college educations, etc.

And I also realized that my negative thoughts around D being an only child all stem from my mom's experience. 

Growing up, she didn't have a great childhood and always said she wished she had had a sibling. And then when we moved far away, she felt guilty for leaving her mother "all alone". She emphasized to us that we were all my grandmother had. She encouraged us to call her often and write her letters.

The truth is we weren't all she had. She had 3-4 other sisters she was close with and lived near her. She had a niece who was in the hospital with her for 3 days before my mom could get there before my grandmother passed away. 

So all of this made me feel better that D being an only child doesn't necessarily have to equate bad, and in fact, there are lots of positives to it. 

And I do think I could come to place of peace about it. After all, I haven't made any steps forward and I'm unlikely to.

It's also made me understand my best friend, J, and how she had always wanted to adopt and after their 2nd child, I kept asking her and finally, years later she said, you know if a child just landed in our lives, we'd take it but I don't want to do the work to go and get it. 

And that's how I feel. In a heartbeat, I want and would take a baby if it were placed in my arms but I can't do the emotional work right now and I don't think I can withstand the risk of potential future loss. 

So for now, I'm enjoying it being the 3 of us. It's happy. It can feel peaceful (ha, I say that knowing it's peaceful in a way that includes all the loud happy moments and the tantrums!). And it's us.

xoxo

Dear A

Dear A,

I guess we hadn't settled on your name but I think I knew this is what I wanted it to be. Named after our grandmothers but the boy version. We were going to be a family of A, B, C, D. How cool is that.

I couldn't wait to hold you in August. I've pictured it so many times. I couldn't believe that you were going to get to be D's brother. I was hoping so much that even though you'd be 3 years apart, you'd grow to be close. I really wanted you two to have each other later in life. You know your daddy and I aren't young!

Why couldn't you be healthy? Why couldn't you make it? I just don't understand.

Your autopsy report came back stating that your abdominal wall wasn't forming properly. Why? Why wasn't it?

How did we have this kind of bad luck?

You know it took 10 years to have your brother and then he worked right away with a surrogate, and then we tried 4 other times and it didn't work. And then you, you made it, you made it to a positive test, you made it to a heartbeat, you made it through genetic testing and into the second trimester.

I wasn't even expecting to see you the day we learned you didn't make it but Aunty K had an appt that I hadn't written down and she texted to see if I wanted to video in.

She knew the nurse and the nurse let me see you on the screen, your little head looked so cute. Man, I had been so guarded that first trimester... I had been guarded going into that last cycle. But here we were in the second trimester, on the other side and I was seeing your face, all my dreams were coming true. I had just told everyone at work the day before.

And I didn't even think anything of it when your heartbeat wasn't coming through on the monitor. The nurse made it seem like a technical difficulty and got a different machine out and that's when I saw your face. And I didn't know what was happening other than she was sending Aunty K to another room, I thought to get better images of you... for fun.

That's when I texted your dad a pic of your face and he said I didn't even know there was an appt today. And he said all good? and I gave a thumbs up.

Turns out it wasn't for fun. It was because there was a problem.

When she went to that other room, that's when they said, C, we're so sorry but there isn't a heartbeat. This is where it should be..... and then I didn't really hear much more.

I was in total shock. How was this possible? Was it a mistake? What?????

They already scheduled a D&C for K on that Friday. This was on a Tues. Tues, Feb 18. The day after President's Day. The day after I told my whole company that we were expecting another baby in August.

How is this happening!!!!

I called your dad and told him while I was crying and felt like I may have hyperventilated. I quickly got my stuff out of the office and went down the stairwell and cried some more. But it also just didn't seem real.

Even though I took almost a week off and did all kinds of self care, I still couldn't believe it.

K miscarried the night before her D&C. She said you fell on the bathroom floor and that she could fit you in the palm of her hand.

Oh, little A, why couldn't you make it?

I was going to be so curious as to what you looked like. Were you and Daniel going to look similar? Would you have different features... I pictured you both at the same elementary school together. I really couldn't wait to have you wear some of my fave baby clothes of D's.

How were you not able to make it to us? What are we supposed to learn from this? Why? Why? Why?

You would've loved your brother. He's so fun and funny. He giggles a lot. He loves music and loves to dance. He loooooooves books. And cars. And diggers. He loves being outside. He loves dogs and cats. He's friendly to people, especially bus drivers. He loves to cuddle with me in bed in the mornings.

How would you have been the same? What were you going to be like?

Oh, why can't we still get to meet you in August? I want that chance so badly. I really, really wanted to hold you and see you grow up. And see you and D interact.

I miss you so much. I miss what you could've been. I miss that I never got to be your mom outside K's womb.

And I'm mad. I'm mad that we went through all this work so have you vanish just like that.

It hurts so much. And I also have such a hard time letting it out. Maybe because our lives are so amazing and I am so grateful for what I have, and my guard wasn't down for too long and we've been through so much hurt with building our family that this feels familiar to me.

Yet, it's different because you had a heartbeat and you had a face and I had named you and you were going to be D's brother, and you were going to make all my dreams come true, and you would've been part of our amazing lives. And now you won't get to. And I'm sad about it. I wanted that chance and I won't get it.

It's my birthday today so I wanted to let you know how badly I wanted you, how much I already loved you and would've loved you, how sad I am that I won't get to see you or hold you and that I'll always wish you could've made it.

lots of love,
Maman
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Dear D

My dear little D,

You're 2, will be 3 this summer, and do you know we've been working to bring you a sibling since before you were even born?

We had 5 frozen embryos waiting to be your sibling and I knew how much time it would take that in April, I called our doctor and got an appt that May to talk about getting started again. He suggested we wait 6 months after you were born because adjusting to a new baby can be stressful and he recommended not adding surrogacy stress on top of it.

In August, I went away with Aunty N and Aunty P for Aunty P's girls weekend away before her wedding. During that weekend one of Aunty P's friends asked if we were going to do surrogacy again and we said we were going to contact the agency soon to get started again. That's when Aunty N said 'you know I'd do this for you guys'... and then started the year long journey with Aunty N who had two early miscarriages at 5 1/2 weeks each time.

We had lost 2 girls then. And we were sad.

And we also knew we had 3 more left and Aunty K stepped forward and said she wanted to carry a baby for us. Wow. So we started that year long journey with her. The next two were negative results and they were both the girl ones.

I was devastated. I guess I had always thought I'd have a girl. Knowing we had 4 girl embryos, the odds were in favor after you had worked right away. So I had pictured a girl for about 2 years... and we had the perfect names picked out for a girl after our grandmothers. But it wasn't meant to be. I had to do a lot of grieving after that second cycle with Aunty K.

And I did a lot of pre-grieving too. With 4 in a row not working I thought the chances are pretty low the last one will work. And we'll be happy being a family of 3.

But Aunty K was pregnant, and then they told us the numbers weren't rising appropriately (they were doubling but they wanted it higher than that). Then on Dec 23, I was dumfounded when we saw the heartbeat! And for the next month we were on pins and needles waiting for the genetic testing results to come back.

So finally at the beginning of Feb we were in the clear, into the second trimester, genetic testing behind us, we were feeling so great about your baby brother coming in August. You were going to be 3 years apart. And while we hadn't fully finalized a name, I had one picked out. He was going to be A, so we'd be ABCD altogether.

I kept thinking about what it would be like to hold him, and whether you'd be happy and jealous at the same time, and knowing I'd want to make separate special time for you. I was eager to have a baby again and not be as stressed about it as when I had you and had no idea what I was doing and felt badly when I couldn't calm you down.

I kept thinking that all my dreams were coming true. And I really meant it. I got over that I couldn't carry. You were in our lives and you were/are amazing. And I got over that I wasn't having a girl and I was thrilled to have another boy and looked forward to using all your old clothes on him again, and eager to see what it would be like to have two boys who would be brothers.

And then two weeks later, after I had announced it at work, I just happened to be available for an appt Aunty K was having and I didn't even think anything of it when they couldn't find the heartbeat and went to get another machine. I was so caught off guard when they made Aunty K go to another room with even bigger equipment and said, C, we're so sorry but there isn't a heartbeat.

I was in shock for probably a couple of weeks, even though I took time off for myself.

I couldn't believe this was coming to an end. That at 14.5 weeks of a pregnancy when I had just seen his face on the screen, he wasn't going to come into our lives. You wouldn't have him as a brother.

D, I want you to know that we really didn't want you to be an only child. That we wanted you to grow up with a sibling, to have that companionship both in your youth and into your adulthood. And we know there were no guarantees of what kind of relationship you might have but we wanted to do whatever we could to try, to try for you to have that.

And I know we still could. We could look into adoption or other ways. But we don't know that we have the emotional energy to keep going. We spent 10 years trying to have you, and I froze those embryos when I was almost 41. Today, I'm 45 and I just don't know that we can bring you a sibling in another way.

We love you so much and wish we could've done this for you.

We hope that you grow close to your cousins, to M and S who are closer in age to you, and to D and T, who are older. We hope you grow close to other family friends we have, C and N. And that you and A who have been best buddies since you were 2 months old continue to be good friends. And you'll make other friends that I hope can be there for you the way a sibling can.

Grandmaman was an only child and she said she always wished she had a sibling and that always stayed with me.

I really started our journey wanting 3 kids actually and when it was starting to look like having 1 was going to be challenging, I brought my expectations down to 2, and it turns out it's 1 for now. You. And you are more than we could've ever expected to have. You've made me a mom and you've made our dreams come true and you bring us so much joy. You are so fun and sweet and observant.

We love you so much
xoxo

Grief Stuck Inside

I've got all this grief I need to get out and it feels like it's hard for it to come out. Not sure why. Might be the anti-depressants make it hard to access my extreme feelings. Might be that I'm busy with a toddler or work. Might be that I back away from it if I get too close to it.

Turns out K didn't need the D&C that day a month ago. She miscarried in the bathroom and went for 3 check-ups afterwards, and then she still needed a D&C this past Monday. So for a month it was still ongoing for her, and for me.

I had online therapy on Friday to help get it out and that definitely helped. I cried within the first two mins and then kept crying for the whole time. She asked at the end what would I be afraid of if I got too close to the grief?

I don't know. That I'd break down. But I know I need to in order to move forward.

She suggested I write a letter to D about it since I'm sad he won't have a sibling, at least this way. And that's the other hard part too, is I don't know if we're done yet. I think we are but I can't say 100%.

And she also suggested I write a letter to my baby. My baby that didn't make it.

So here it goes...