IVF #2 - Here We Go!

We started. This past Monday with meds. Gon.al and Meno.pur. Double dozing on Meno.pur this time to more high quality eggs. Still 40% chance.

Big difference this time is that we're going to transfer 2.

We transferred 1 for IVF #1 with the ectopic and transferred 1 each for our 2 FETs. Schnothing on those.

Other big differences this time:
1. Daily meditation - I've been pretty good about doing 10 min quiet meditation almost every day.
2. Acupuncture - Started last week and giving this a shot.

I want to try to pull out all the stops for this. The other potential major decision is that I will likely need a very long break before thinking about this with the possibility of looking at adoption. I'm not closing myself off to this altogether but it has felt exhausting to continue to put energy into something that isn't getting us anywhere. I feel like we continue to live in a home just waiting to be filled with children and I can't take this anymore.

So, I'm trying to be at peace with it all. And I think I am for the most part. The thought of continuing cycle after cycle is what depresses me. The only hard part that remains is knowing how badly my husband wants biological children. So, I need to continue to weigh all of that, but I also know my mental health cannot continue to take the kind of hit it's been taking.

Wish us luck!

FET #2 - Negative Results, Moving to IVF #2

We got our results on Tues of our failed FET #2. I was bumming that day, on the 4th of July and most of this week.

I'm hoping my bummy feelings are just normal sad and doesn't launch me into depression again. Counseling every other week has really been helping.

I also start birth control pills again on Sunday to get started with our 2nd fresh IVF cycle. I'm supposed to hear from my doctor next week on whether there will be another protocol. He was open to having us transfer 2 embryos these last cycles but I really didn't want to. Now, I'm thinking I should. I'm still so scared of twins but I need to do something to increase my chances on these cycles.

We'll see what he says!

I'm also having my god-daughter (best friend's daughter) stay over night tonight and I just love her so much that I hope that helps on the happiness factor. We're also going to a pool party where there will be other kids, so while it may be weird to bring someone else's kid, it will be nice to bring a kid! I know, weird, but I'm sure many of you can relate...

I'm also going to use these next 5 weeks to try to get some of this weight off. It's gotten a bit out of control, but I also knew to expect this and to be gentle with myself. Yesterday, I read a Wei.ght Wat.chers blogger who had lost so much weight and then put 15 lbs of it back on as she calls her 'no baby' weight after going through infertility & treatments. Ah, the stuff we have to deal with!

It's ok, I guess, two years ago I put on this same weight and lost it all last year, so I know I can do it again and this is just my another year of going through these treatments and if weight gain is part of it, so be it. I just want those children in our lives already!!!

So, it's looking like a mid-August retrieval and transfer... wish me luck!

FET #2 Transfer & Hopeful Thoughts

We had our transfer today for our FET #2. We had 2 frozens after our IVF in Jan, so if this doesn't work, we're back to a freshie IVF cycle.

But I'm feeling hopeful. I mean, I know our chances are low and I'm being realistic, but I thought - what do I have to lose by being optimistic? So, I am!

Counseling has also been great. Actually, last week was my low point and I think letting that all out (my counselor even gave me a hug at the end of our session because she thought I seemed so hopeless!) was really therapeutic. Ever since that day, I've felt more positive and hopeful about our options and moving forward...

I also made a nice connection today. Because I'm in HR, I've known about one of our India employees who is struggling with fertility, so I decided to finally reach out to her to let her know that someone understands, even if I am on the other side of the globe! (It helps that I met her last year in person when I went over there). We had the nicest exchange today. I always feel like I have to 'hide' this at work and it was nice to be able to share it with someone who just has the biggest heart!

I'm still not sure I understand why I'm having to experience this or what the lesson is in all of this that I couldn't learn some other way, but today was a good day.

And I get to test on Tues, July 3 (instead of waiting till Thurs, July 5)! Yay!

FET #2 & State of Mind Update

We've begun our frozen cycle #2. I didn't take a break after FET #1 did not work and this is our only embryo left from our first fresh cycle back in Jan.

I'm not sure how to feel. My counselor says I'm definitely struggling with depression. It's been hard to not have much energy for things. It's been hard to deal with Mother's Day and Father's Day seeming like they are back to back (we went backcountry camping for Mother's Day to get away from it all and I'm trying to plan an escape route for Father's Day too).

It's hard going through this cycle feeling a tiny bit hopeful (or else I wouldn't do it my counselor says) but also feeling like it's a bit pointless. I guess I feel so jaded now. FIVE miscarriages. 4 1/2 years of infertility. I just keep thinking - is this going to end??? And how are we going to get there? And I just want to be ok with however we get there - that's been my goal, to be as peaceful as possible throughout this process and I feel like I'm mostly failing at that.

I haven't been completely down in the dumps... we went to my in-laws for Memorial weekend and were part of my 8 month old niece's baptism and I just loved being with her. I've got a fun annual company meeting that I've mostly organized in Chicago this week and heading straight to my 15 year college reunion. And at the end of the month, I am heading to Atlanta for an HR conference I'm excited about.

So, it's not like I'm not doing things, but I certainly don't have much energy on the weekends and I feel social pressures of having to do stuff... and that's been hard. And it's hard to stay positive - that takes a lot of energy.

Please wish me peace for this cycle. If it doesn't work, I haven't decided yet if I'll take a break and try to go on a work trip abroad (which I would be excited about) or go straight into another fresh IVF cycle. I'm kinda thinking forge ahead - this was the year of IVF for us and I don't want to keep dragging out our family building. All these decisions are hard!

Failed First FET :(

I'm so bummed. I'm mostly surprised. I really thought this would take.

I think the drugs must really mimic making your body think it's pregnant because I've been tired and VERY bloated. I really thought I was pregnant.

Oh, but our chances are so low (can't remember how low). At least an FET is less work than a fresh IVF, but still!!!

:(
:(
:(

I'll wait for my period, get on birth control again and hopefully go into another FET with the 1 frozen embryo we have left.

I'd appreciate some virtual hugs. I'm feeling pretty bummed out right now.

And thank goodness for counseling tomorrow morning at 8am...

Transfer Time & Counseling

Transfer time for our first FET was Mon, Apr 23! I've been doing well and for now, am feeling hopeful. We have another one frozen, so I'm kinda looking at this next phase as seeing what happens with these 2 frozen embryos. Feels good to be moving forward.

In the meantime, I think I began processing my last miscarriage from our first IVF a few weeks ago. I'd realize that about once a week when I was in bik.ram (hot) yoga, I'd just break down with overwhelming emotion... something had to change, so I scheduled myself back into my therapist.

That session was last Friday and already made a huge difference. I spent a lot of time crying in her office. The next day, B and I were at an event with friends we hadn't seen in awhile.One of B's friends came up to us to tell us how sorry she was about our miscarriage and it just struck me at how huge this has all been for us when B said 'yeah, this is miscarriage number 5 for us.'

I keep trying to brush this stuff off like I should handle it better, that in the grand scheme of things it shouldn't be that big of a deal, that other people go through harder stuff, etc., etc. but when I think of the last 4 1/2 years of trying to conceive with 5 early miscarriages with IUIs, IVF and surgeries... it IS a lot!

The hardest part still remains that people in general just don't get it. They don't get the pain. And it's all very invisible to most people. Our families still don't really know how to handle it (B's parents visited 2 weeks ago and B's mother said to me - "I know you're going through a lot emotionally, but how are you recovering physically?").

It's so clear that the emotion is just too much for most people... and that's what can hurt the most - feeling isolated and alone in pain that others either can't see, can't seem to understand or don't want to come near.

Thank good ness for my husband, my best friend, my pastor and another good friend - the 4 who have really been there for me. And thank goodness for my counselor, who is awesome, has gone through infertility and IVF herself and gets it.

And thank goodness for moving forward. I'm hopeful to see what these next 1-2 cycles will bring.

FET #1 on Schedule for April 23 / Difficult Easter Thoughts

Even though I never got my period after the bc pills, they still said everything looks good to start our first FET. We started shots on Saturday which will be every 3 days. They hurt a bit more than I thought (intramuscular in the bum).

Check in on Tues, Apr 17 and if all looks good (which we anticipate), we're doing transfer on Mon, Apr 23.

Hopeful this time... the plan is to only transfer one. And we have one more waiting in the wings.

I've started processing our miscarriage from our last IVF cycle. Easter was difficult as holidays tend to be for me. I wanted to just ignore it and not deal with it. Didn't really feel like talking to my family that day. B and I just hung out and did a lot of housework. We also had crabs to commemorate the 1 year anniversary of our dog's passing last year. (Our dog loved the water and on the weekend he died last year, we went and had crabs for hours and reminisced).

I'll be ok, just having a hard time with all the feelings I don't think I dealt with from the miscarriage but also hopeful going into a new cycle.