Last Cycle Negative, Moving to Genetic Testing and Possibly Adoption

Our last cycle in November was negative.

I mostly expected it but what really helped was having B with me when we got the results. Actually, having him take the afternoon off and wait for the call with me and then was with me on speakerphone as I have often heard the words from our nurse, "I'm so sorry but I'm not calling with good news...".

We've had a total of 5 transfers with 6 embryos (all but the last were single transfers).

Our doctor has recommended we move forward with doing genetic testing. We're in process of that right now. I'm eager to know whether any of our 4 remaining embryos are normal. If so, we'll start an FET.

Odd thing is is that I haven't gotten my period since Nov 7. I spotted, for like a minute, around when my period was supposed to come but now we're on 7 weeks with no period - and I'm NOT pregnant. I did bloodwork around the time I was supposed to start another cycle and though I had a glimmer of hope, I would be, who am I kidding...

We went to an orientation session with an adoption agency in the area and had mixed emotions on that. It's definitely something I'm sure I will be grateful for but I'm not sure I'm done grieving not having biological children and adoption is not a replacement for that, I'm learning. It's another path to having a family. There is so much involved with considering family ties to the birth families that I'm not emotionally ready to deal with... one day, but not now. (I think because B is finally on board with considering adoption, it's finally allowing me the space to grieve that our biology may not ever happen...)

So, here we are - a new year closely upon us. Me reflecting on 5 years of my inferitility woes, which, in my opinion, is 5 years too many.

I'm doing some soul-searching this week and next on whether to finally quit my job and take 3-6 months off from my career as we figure this out. My job is a growing role in a fast-pace environment and I haven't been able to keep up for the last two years and infertility and fertility treatments have taken its emotional tolls on me. I'm also interviewing at a couple of places and seeing if a new job would be best for me.

All I know is that we need to figure this out. I think the first part of next year will be about medical options and the second part will hopefully be settling on an adoption agency and taking those steps.

If I don't write again before 2013, happy new year and thank you for being on this heart-wrenching journey with me. Love and hugs to you all!

Part-Time Work Solution & New Protocol

I am so relieved today because I am starting a part-time schedule!

I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner. I was starting to feel like I just couldn't do it all and have been wanting to quit for months and months now. My husband kept convincing me that I love my job and that I'd have too much time on my hands but I still couldn't shake the weight of trying to do it all.

And then I thought - it doesn't have to be all or nothing, does it? So, I came up with an exact 50/50 compromise - go part-time!

I started talking to my boss about it last week. It was a pretty emotional conversation and he really felt for me - something I hardly get from him. I told him how I just felt like I was at the end of my rope with all the medical stuff we were doing to try to have biological children and how this next procedure may be my last. I explained that I was having trouble holding it altogether and that something had to give. I even said that who knows the role stress has to do with this but I want to feel like I've given it my all.

He even said 'is part-time going to be enough for you?' and offered that they could be flexible if I wanted a leave of absence. Just knowing I had his support was tremendous. I've arranged my schedule to be 50% for the next 8 weeks and see what happens. I also got an appropriate, non-invasive note from our CEO giving his support for what I was doing. That felt really good too.

The biggest change happening with our upcoming FET is that my doctor has done uterine biopsies on me. They say that it can increase implantation. So, I'm hopeful with our new protocol.

We are also going to transfer 2 embryos this time - for the first time. My doctor says that having had 4 transfers already, transferring 1 only has a 30% chance, whereas transferring 2 has a 50% chance (with these biopsies) for a singleton and 25% chance of twins.

For the first time in a long time last night, B and I were laughing and discussing names for single sex twins. I don't remember the last time we've laughed about the possibility of naming our child(ren)!

It feels so good to be relaxed and hopeful again.

We start meds this Wed and transfer is on Oct 16.

Here's to a new cycle!

Processing Negative Results from IVF #2

It's been about 2 weeks of processing our second fresh IVF negative result. And it's our 4th overall IVF (we've done 2 fresh and 2 FETs).

What a blow. I thought I was going to be all peaceful no matter what. I really practiced being calm, collected, etc. I meditated everyday this cycle. I did acupuncture. I kept work stress to a minimum. But no matter how prepared we are, I guess a negative result is a blow (to most of us).

Oh, so upsetting. I just want to throw the towel in. I just don't understand. 4 cycles of failure? How much more can one keep doing? When does this not start to feel like beating a dead horse (I hate that expression by the way) pointless and endless.

I don't know how I keep going without it affecting my psyche. It's all I can do most of the time to not feel depressed. Do I just continue to keep my social activities to a minimum? Make sure I don't put too much into work to not be stressed? Keep pulling back on all other aspects of my life?

Either way, this isn't healthy. I don't want IVF to rule my life. But I don't have energy for much else either.

We just got back from taking a week's vacation... it was a bit random of a vacation but tied some fun things into my husband's 20 year reunion in NC. We took some time in the mountains to ourselves. We saw his family for one day. We actually had a GREAT time at the reunion (well, mostly me! I guess when the pressure is not on you, you have a better time!!), and saw a friend in Roanoke, VA.

It was so incredibly refreshing to "get away from it all". After 2-3 days, I really felt like I had left my problems somewhere else. And Plan B started to become a lot clearer for me. Or at least, the end to Plan A or a break from Plan A.

Here it is:

• Go into an FET (we have 6 frozen embryos and this time we will transfer 2).
• I think I'm done at this point after this one. I don't have much more stamina in me to keep going and it really does seem pointless. We've been going non-stop since Jan. Seeing an end to all of this is both sad and a relief. I will need to process that.
• Because it may be too difficult to end this completely, I may just be on a break, but it will need to be a serious break with the potential of not going back to this.
• My husband wants to do genetic testing on our embryos to see if that may be a problem. He'd be more interested in doing gestational carrier (either my best friend who has offered or looking into India or something).
• I'm not as keen on that because it still involves my body and IVF in some fashion...
• He has promised me that we can start more seriously considering adoption this fall so if this next cycle is a negative, we will go to an adoption expo in our town and I want us to start actively talking to a couple of agencies and people who have done various types of adoption to see what feels right for us.

This all isn't easy as next steps but it feels best to me to leave this stuff behind us if we have another negative. I feel like 5 negatives is enough. Enough is enough. I want to move onto something else that can feel more hopeful. I want to stop feeling like our house feels so empty. I want us to get our first child already.

IVF #2 - Here We Go!

We started. This past Monday with meds. Gon.al and Meno.pur. Double dozing on Meno.pur this time to more high quality eggs. Still 40% chance.

Big difference this time is that we're going to transfer 2.

We transferred 1 for IVF #1 with the ectopic and transferred 1 each for our 2 FETs. Schnothing on those.

Other big differences this time:
1. Daily meditation - I've been pretty good about doing 10 min quiet meditation almost every day.
2. Acupuncture - Started last week and giving this a shot.

I want to try to pull out all the stops for this. The other potential major decision is that I will likely need a very long break before thinking about this with the possibility of looking at adoption. I'm not closing myself off to this altogether but it has felt exhausting to continue to put energy into something that isn't getting us anywhere. I feel like we continue to live in a home just waiting to be filled with children and I can't take this anymore.

So, I'm trying to be at peace with it all. And I think I am for the most part. The thought of continuing cycle after cycle is what depresses me. The only hard part that remains is knowing how badly my husband wants biological children. So, I need to continue to weigh all of that, but I also know my mental health cannot continue to take the kind of hit it's been taking.

Wish us luck!

FET #2 - Negative Results, Moving to IVF #2

We got our results on Tues of our failed FET #2. I was bumming that day, on the 4th of July and most of this week.

I'm hoping my bummy feelings are just normal sad and doesn't launch me into depression again. Counseling every other week has really been helping.

I also start birth control pills again on Sunday to get started with our 2nd fresh IVF cycle. I'm supposed to hear from my doctor next week on whether there will be another protocol. He was open to having us transfer 2 embryos these last cycles but I really didn't want to. Now, I'm thinking I should. I'm still so scared of twins but I need to do something to increase my chances on these cycles.

We'll see what he says!

I'm also having my god-daughter (best friend's daughter) stay over night tonight and I just love her so much that I hope that helps on the happiness factor. We're also going to a pool party where there will be other kids, so while it may be weird to bring someone else's kid, it will be nice to bring a kid! I know, weird, but I'm sure many of you can relate...

I'm also going to use these next 5 weeks to try to get some of this weight off. It's gotten a bit out of control, but I also knew to expect this and to be gentle with myself. Yesterday, I read a Wei.ght Wat.chers blogger who had lost so much weight and then put 15 lbs of it back on as she calls her 'no baby' weight after going through infertility & treatments. Ah, the stuff we have to deal with!

It's ok, I guess, two years ago I put on this same weight and lost it all last year, so I know I can do it again and this is just my another year of going through these treatments and if weight gain is part of it, so be it. I just want those children in our lives already!!!

So, it's looking like a mid-August retrieval and transfer... wish me luck!

FET #2 Transfer & Hopeful Thoughts

We had our transfer today for our FET #2. We had 2 frozens after our IVF in Jan, so if this doesn't work, we're back to a freshie IVF cycle.

But I'm feeling hopeful. I mean, I know our chances are low and I'm being realistic, but I thought - what do I have to lose by being optimistic? So, I am!

Counseling has also been great. Actually, last week was my low point and I think letting that all out (my counselor even gave me a hug at the end of our session because she thought I seemed so hopeless!) was really therapeutic. Ever since that day, I've felt more positive and hopeful about our options and moving forward...

I also made a nice connection today. Because I'm in HR, I've known about one of our India employees who is struggling with fertility, so I decided to finally reach out to her to let her know that someone understands, even if I am on the other side of the globe! (It helps that I met her last year in person when I went over there). We had the nicest exchange today. I always feel like I have to 'hide' this at work and it was nice to be able to share it with someone who just has the biggest heart!

I'm still not sure I understand why I'm having to experience this or what the lesson is in all of this that I couldn't learn some other way, but today was a good day.

And I get to test on Tues, July 3 (instead of waiting till Thurs, July 5)! Yay!

FET #2 & State of Mind Update

We've begun our frozen cycle #2. I didn't take a break after FET #1 did not work and this is our only embryo left from our first fresh cycle back in Jan.

I'm not sure how to feel. My counselor says I'm definitely struggling with depression. It's been hard to not have much energy for things. It's been hard to deal with Mother's Day and Father's Day seeming like they are back to back (we went backcountry camping for Mother's Day to get away from it all and I'm trying to plan an escape route for Father's Day too).

It's hard going through this cycle feeling a tiny bit hopeful (or else I wouldn't do it my counselor says) but also feeling like it's a bit pointless. I guess I feel so jaded now. FIVE miscarriages. 4 1/2 years of infertility. I just keep thinking - is this going to end??? And how are we going to get there? And I just want to be ok with however we get there - that's been my goal, to be as peaceful as possible throughout this process and I feel like I'm mostly failing at that.

I haven't been completely down in the dumps... we went to my in-laws for Memorial weekend and were part of my 8 month old niece's baptism and I just loved being with her. I've got a fun annual company meeting that I've mostly organized in Chicago this week and heading straight to my 15 year college reunion. And at the end of the month, I am heading to Atlanta for an HR conference I'm excited about.

So, it's not like I'm not doing things, but I certainly don't have much energy on the weekends and I feel social pressures of having to do stuff... and that's been hard. And it's hard to stay positive - that takes a lot of energy.

Please wish me peace for this cycle. If it doesn't work, I haven't decided yet if I'll take a break and try to go on a work trip abroad (which I would be excited about) or go straight into another fresh IVF cycle. I'm kinda thinking forge ahead - this was the year of IVF for us and I don't want to keep dragging out our family building. All these decisions are hard!