Why Didn't You Reach Out To Me?

Dear In-Law Family (Mother, Father, Brother):

Why didn't you reach out to me? You came to our house the day before Thanksgiving. This was the same day I had to take methotrextate to dissolve our pregnancy that the doctors thought was ectopic.

I know, you didn't really understand it all. You asked my husband whether this was a 'real' miscarriage. Did the answer to that question really matter though? Were you not asking the right question? Another question? I know it's hard to understand. And hard to know what to ask, or what to say. I know. But still.

I was so down. I was sad. I was mad. I couldn't stop crying. I felt terrible. Terrible. I hated that it was Thanksgiving and that you all were here for a good time.

I hated it even more that you barely acknowledged what I was going through ... or how it made me feel. Why didn't you ask?

On top of it all, you are ALL ministers... so... why. didn't. you. pray. with. me?????

Were you on vacation from being a minister?? No, I know. That's not it. At least, I hope not. But that's how it felt. Kinda. I know miscarriages are taboo. I know I wasn't on the floor bleeding. Or pregnant for that long. Or even 'really' pregnant. I know it's been strange to talk about infertility. But the most comforting thing you could have offered at that point was to pray with me.

And you didn't.

And I still don't understand how you couldn't have thought to. And I still can't let it go.

The weather was nice here yesterday. I went for a run. In the sun. It reminded me of the day before Thanksgiving. The day I got my methotrextate shot. It was a nice day. I couldn't stop crying in my room. So I did what came naturally. I went running. In shorts. In the sun.

Yesterday's run made me think of that day-before-Thanksgiving run. And how I felt. And how I felt you were too uncomfortable to really be there for me.

And it still hurts even though I know you probably didn't mean it and that you were probably just uncomfortable and trying to give me space. It just made me feel more alone. That's all.

love,
me

I promise to never be too uncomfortable to not reach out, to not be there for someone - really be there for someone in their grief, in their anguish, in their sadness, in their discomfort. If I've learned nothing but this, then I hope to be the emotional hug to others when they need it.

5% Hopeful...

I told myself I wouldn't post stuff on here that I thought was too much information but... I can't help it. It's what's on the brain.

We 'timed' our intimate encounter this weekend and now I'm 5% hopeful... and I was afraid of this sliver of hopefulness because I don't want to be disappointed. once. again.

For the last few months, we didn't try anything therefore 0% hopeful, therefore 0% disappointment. You see?

Since my husband and I are unexplained, I can't help but feel like if we try to time it right, there's at least a small, small possibility that just maybe this might be the time it actually happens. And I've been big time paying attention to the egg whites this time!

So, I'm on some sort of way, way, way toned down 2ww. And I don't want this sense of peace I've created to get messed up with any of this yo-yo of hope/disappointment that I've experienced about 20+ times now. (I know, many have had it WAY worse & I shouldn't complain. But this is my story and this is just how I happen to feel...).

I've also realized through Infertile Mind's E-Class (which I highly recommend) that I may have created for myself a false sense of peace. I know it's perfectly fine to be on a tcc break for peace of mind but I also don't want the break to create this false peace of mind either. Which is why I was even torn for us to try giving it a try this time.

The mind games we play with ourselves!!! Please let me keep the peace I've recently created as I journey through these 2 weeks ahead and try to balance this 5% of hope that's dangling around...

Sunshine, Warmth & Positive Thoughts!

If you need some inspiration this weekend, I've picked up a couple of blog posts that have made me even more enthusiastic for what's going on in certain parts of our worlds - the weather!!

• The (Maybe) Babies inspired me to go for a run this morning with her Dear Sunshine post , even emailing me separately to re-inspire me - so sweet!! (I'm heading out shortly after I press publish here!)
• Hopes and Dreams for Us has a fun weekend weather post - It's The Weekend The Weekend - plus I just love her lists!!

Plus me! It's been nice to walk around in a spring jacket, have some windows open even in the really sunny rooms and enjoy feeling everyone's buzz outdoors!

If you can today, get out and take advantage of this spring-like weather! Let it re-energize you and fill you with the light we need to keep us going.

Blessings on this glorious Sunday!

Her Epiphany

If you all aren't currently following Determined to Have Joy (which is such a great blog name!), please pop over to see her post today called The Epiphany. It's incredibly beautiful & inspiring! I'm saving it along my wall to the right of Favorite Other People's postings to refer back to when I'm in moments of feeling down.

On the weekend front, I'm excited to see my nephews (ages 6 & 2) tomorrow. Infertile Mind has inspired me a couple of weeks ago to be a more 'present' aunt, so I'm looking forward to putting that into action tomorrow!

Happy Friday & hope you have fun plans for the weekend!

I Asked For...

Baby on Mind wrote an amazing Show & Tell post about A Butterfly's Lesson. It's so amazingly beautiful that I'd like to re-copy some of it here. I hope that's allowed.  She got it from an email chain, which I normally don't like but this really resonated with me. (And sorry to the non-religious out there!)

I'm not sure of God's role in all of this exactly because I'm not sure that God gives us good things or bad things (I know, this can quickly turn into a big time discussion; I'm not necessarily trying to do that)... I think God wants to comfort us when we're down and share in our joys when we're up - I actually just commented on Hannah's I Will Be a Mom... Someday's post today on Surviving the 1ww. She needs some comforting words. Please stop by and visit with her.

Hopefully this will be comforting to some of you:

I asked for Strength.....
   and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for Wisdom.....
   and God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for Prosperity......
   and God gave me a brain and brawn to work.

I asked for Courage.....
   and God gave me obstacles to overcome.

I asked for Love.....
   and God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for Favors......
   and God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted.....
   But I received everything I needed.

Don't Let Anyone Steal Your Peace

You may have heard me post about my love for bik.ram (hot) yo.ga at least with Hot Yoga Lesson Tonight and Hot Yoga & Buddhim Applied to IF. I have found so many benefits beyond the physical with my yo.ga practice.

This week, an instructor said toward the end of class:

"Don't let anyone steal your peace"

I was thinking of this in the context of IF and I just kept thinking that it's the 'someone' I don't know yet who oftentimes steals my peace. This baby or these kids that I don't have yet that makes me feel unbalanced, not quite 100% me yet or something along those lines.

And am I letting this happen? Am I letting non-existent children steal my peace? Somehow, the answer is yes, and somehow I need to re-align my peace.

Any ideas?

Monday's Thoughts on Sunday's God-Filled Day

Sunday morning's church service was AMAZING. Very God-filled.

We had a visiting pastor who told a story about how when she was 8, she hiked Yosemite Nat'l Park with her family and coming back down the switchbacks, she was getting bored starring at her sister's shoes. When she looked up, she saw the magnificent sky & trees and Half Dome on the other side with the river cutting the valley - and immediately started singing How Great Thou Art (her parents were both pastors, so she grew up knowing these songs). Her re-telling of this was beautiful.

During our sharing of joys & concerns last week, I asked for continued prayers as B and I are continuing to go through a painful time trying to build our family. After Saturday's day date with B and my newfound state of peace through blogging and support you all have given to me, I wanted to share my joyfulness and thank everyone for their prayers. It's also been such a relief to lift this up to our congregation and be 'out' with it so that this pain isn't just mine but others can help me through this.

A man also shared how he's in town visiting from Brazil and just happened to find us. He had literally just come from the airport!

For our closing hymn, our choir decided to switch up their line-up so that we could sing How Great Thou Art as our closing hymn. I LOVE this song and felt God's presence. The Brazilian man was into it, the visiting pastor was emotional, God was just everywhere. It was beautiful!

And ended the day by cooking taco meat & cornbread to serve & eat our Taco Fiesta at a nearby women's shelter.  Very God-filled indeed!

Did you feel God's presence this weekend? Did you feel humanity's kindnesses on you?