Operation: Get My Body Back - Week 6

I haven't been highlighting this program week to week necessarily but it's still going on!

How are you doing with it?

I had a little set-back after my trip to NYC but I worked really hard at it last week, even over the 4th of July weekend and I'm back down to where I was before NYC. My weigh in is Thursday, so I hope I can maintain this or make it better!

I keep being inspired by what my friend, Hannah says: "If I'm not pregnant, I'm going to be skinny."


And I was feeling skinnier this morning. Just gotta keep it up. And how, you ask?

• Writing it Down! Yes, ladies (and gentlemen!) - it does work. I'm so less likely to eat more if I write it all down!
• Exercise. Well, it's too hot for running this week, which is too bad because I was starting to get back into it, having ran 2x last week. BUT I am committed to bik.ram yoga (yes, I'm self-torturing by going into a hot room!). I did that 4x last week. Yay!
• Weighing In. I felt it was too cruel to weigh in last week and attend my meeting after having indulged so much on my trip and having gotten my period. BUT I will this week. The Thurs meeting speaker is a barrel of laughs, so I feel like I'm going to a mini-comedy show on Thursdays at lunch!

How's your week going? I've been inspired by some of you...

Who else inspires me? Did you know that Sweet Pea started a blog called The Weight is Over. I'm loving it! And I actually really love the Wei.ght Wat.chers' CEO's blog too - Man Meets Scale. Check it out for your inspiration!

Not Such an Uphill Road but an Incline?

I'm stuck on this journey feeling like it's a steep, steep uphill road with no end in sight - no ultimate goal in sight - our own biological children.

But does it have to seem that way? How can I make it not seem so hard, so far out of sight?

A friend who recently went through infertility problems gave me her insight when I explained my latest quandry over these thoughts and I thought I'd share them since they've seeped in and made me look at things in a different way:

I know that feeling extremely well. I felt so often like I couldn’t even get out of the gate, how was I ever going to get to the finish line. But I do really believe that it can’t be that challenging at each step, just a matter of getting past the one that is holding you (one, I mean, not you specifically) up. Does that make sense?

 Like for me, if I could just produce enough eggs for them to get a couple, the rest of the steps should be doable. And for you, once you get past whatever is stopping them from sticking, the other steps won’t be an issue (or any more than they would for any other person). Does that bring any comfort? It helped me, just knowing it wasn’t entirely up hill, just a really steep incline for that one step!

I hope she's right. One steep incline. Okay. I can do this.

I think...

Marching On, But Continued Grief

I still can't get Rebecca out of my heart and mind. My thoughts continue to surround her as she grieves for her baby girl who was born too soon and left our world too early. (((Hugs))), Rebecca...

And then I saw this post from Sara, who I met during June's ICLW. It's called Who is This Person? It's a great post that I'm sure many of us can relate to. As I commented on her page: I just want to be normal again... to be happy when I see others with their babies, especially my best friend's whose baby is the age mine would have been had we gotten pregnant relatively early on.

And my journey continues... with an MRI this morning, bright and early at 6:45am. Not eating or drinking beforehand. My doc wanted to check out my fibroid before moving to recommended surgery. Have you ever had an MRI?

It was a miserable experience for me - at least at first. I knew I was clautophobic but I surprised myself with how I reacted. Just thinking about it makes me want to hyperventilate again.

As soon as they put me in, I asked to be taken out and I started to cry saying that I didn't think I could do this today. The tech calmed me down and said that he could remove the pillow and let me look out the back way if that would be better. So, we tried that. And it worked.

I still didn't like it but I just tried to keep breathing. Yoga actually helped in this case - I just kept focusing on my breath (though not taking deep breaths was hard!).

And all I kept thinking of was this is for the greater cause, remember the purpose and if this is what is needed to bring me my children, my family, then I'll stick through this.

I told myself the same thing 2 months ago when I posted Scared of Self Injection but unfortunately, that didn't bring me my baby. I have a feeling I'm going to have to go through many, many more steps before that happens and I'm trying to take that information in while continuing to breathe.

Friend's Loss - Needs Support

I'm just logging back on after having been away for a few days and read the most unimaginable post.

I've felt like I've grown close to Rebecca, enjoying her posts, finding her in my infancy of blogging and was compelled to want to continue with her on her journey after she had a successful IVF shortly after I met her online.

On Sunday, at 22 weeks, she prematurely went into labor and only had her daughter for a few minutes. I couldn't believe when I read her posting Unimaginable Loss. What the heck is this about? was my first reaction and then I got scared. I clicked on it and immediately said Nooooooo and started to cry and I kept reading.

My heart go out to her and her husband. So incredibly unfair!!!

Please, please give her your support. I know many of you follow her already and know you've visited with her. She could use many, many hugs right now.

My Brother's Comments on FB

I feel terrible that my brother's comments on face.book affect me the way they do. He probably doesn't even realize it (of course he doesn't!) and even if he did, it's my problem. They shouldn't  affect me like this...

My brother has a 2 1/2 year old son and a 6 year old step-son. We love them both dearly.

Recently, with his wife's brother and sister-in-law's anniversary, he posted "make my boys some cousins tonight."  It really affected me. I know, he has a weird sense of humor to begin with (not sure that I would've posted something like that...) but I couldn't help but think that we want to make his boys some cousins - and in fact, they would already likely have one by now if we weren't faced with infertility!!!

I did think it was slightly insensitive on his part, but then again, even though he knows of our struggles, he has no idea how an innocent thing like that can come across.

And on father's day, he posted, "he did it! it was, like, 11:30pm but [my son] slipped it in in the nick of time, giving me my 1st ever "happy father's day." i thought i was gonna have to wait til next year."

Sweet, right? Yeah, well, it should be, but bitter sad me can't help but read that with a pained heart. Where's our child who will say happy father's day to my husband???

As you can see, I'm having a particularly hard time handling these types of things right now.  How do you all handle comments like this? Any advice on how I can 'buck up' and not take it so personally??? :)

Welcome June ICLW!

How can it be this far into June already??? :) Welcome newcomers and thank you to my faithful readers who would stop by anyway! IComLeavWe is an exciting week as we discover new bloggers!

My short journey: Been married for 3 1/2 years, ttc for 2 1/2, 3 IUIs and 2 miscarriages both at 5 1/2 weeks, and recommended fibroid surgery this summer. All this leaves me in a state of flux, which is why this community has been so incredibly amazing to me! I love how we can relate to each other, sometimes much better than our real life friends. Check out my last posting if you're new called On Being a Good Friend because it's oh-so hard to be one & infertility can and does affect friendships. I think many of you could see yourselves in it.

Other happenings:

• NYC Next Up: a mini-vacation this coming weekend to NYC for a childhood friend's wedding. We both grew up in Montreal and found each other again about 8 years ago. She says I'll be her oldest friend at the wedding! We'll also be staying with my dear college friend and hopefully having a blast in one of my favorite cities!!
• India. I love my job in HR & we're opening an office in India, so am excited about going over there at some point TBD but likely very soon to help open it up officially, recruit & give the new team some TLC.
• Operation: Get My Body Back. I've been on a kick to lose the weight I put on during tcc. Like my good friend Hannah says - if I'm not pregnant, I'm going to be skinny! I just love that! She inspired me and many have joined me along this journey.
• This past week was great - I weighed in finally since the miscarriage and I think I've already lost since then! I did bik.ram yoga 4x and ran 1x. I made smart eating choices and stuck to my points (more or less) - went over only 5 total all week! How did you do?
• This week I commit to bik.ram yoga 4x again - maybe even 5x (once in NYC??)! Running 1-2x, writing everything down again, making smart choices (cantalope has been one of my favorites) and weighing in. What will you do?

So, thanks for stopping by - feel free to comment on your struggles, On Being a Good Friend, NYC, India, Operation: Get My Body Back or whatever else! I'm glad you're here! :)

On Being a Good Friend

I don't think I'm being a good friend righ now & I'm struggling with how to be one.

I usually am a good friend. I'm there, I listen, I empathize, I take interest in what my friends are doing, etc., etc.

But somehow with infertility, I can't fully do it. At least not now. And I feel like I'm being a crummy friend.

My best friend has the cutest kid. In fact, I'm his "god-aunt". Yet, it's painful for me to hear about the cute things he's doing. And she's pregnant again.

Her pregnancy actually prompted me to do our 3rd IUI. She, like many of us, is a planner, and she was going to wait to 'try' in March because she didn't want another December baby but her husband was going to be gone in April & May and she didn't want to wait that long (to which she also said that she could really feel for me... she couldn't wait 2 months to try, meanwhile I've had this struggle for 2+ years), so they went ahead and tried in March... and it worked.

That was the weekend I asked "so, what's going on with planning for #2?" to which she answered "I'm a week late". That's when I knew I had to do something about me & scheduled my Day 3 appt to get started on another IUI, which ended up not working.

She feels badly talking about her pregnancy with me. We were excited at the thought of going through pregnancy together and it pains her to see what I'm going through.

It's hard on me to not be able to be a true friend to her. She's been my best friend for over 15 years. We're supposed to be sharing these milestones together.

Infertility is affecting my friendships.

I finally told her that I just need time away with her. We used to go on vacations, just she & I. And I need that again. So, that's what we're doing. July 10th weekend.

I can't wait to have my best friend back again... and be her best friend in return. I hope that can happen, if only for a couple of days in vacation-land.