Happy Birthday to Me! And Next IUI Decision

I LOVE birthdays! And I try to make mine last as long as possible!! This time it's going on for 3 days.

Saturday was a very fun game day with some friends & ice cream cake. Hey, why not? :) Sunday was fun too with a bike ride around town to church, farmer's market & then a massage and lots of time in the sun!

Husband did lots of grocery shopping & dishes, which was wonderful!!!

And today, I get to enjoy the day off for my birthday, which is something I've never done. I plan to go to my beloved bik.ram hot yoga class - a daytime one which I also never experience. And then I've been saving a Jhum.pa La.hiri book, Un.accustomed Ear.th to take to a coffee shop with me where I hope I can snag a cozy chair... and I may get a pedicure. B and I are still deciding whether to go out or stay in (he's a great cook!) so either way, it's going to be a fabulous day!

On the IF front, with my period making an appearance on Saturday, it at least left the guessing game out of the weekend but also had a couple of tearful moments. We talked about the next IUI, which would be the 3rd and while I wasn't ready to start getting Day 3 bloodwork on my bday, we'll start the next cycle. That's progress. And we have counseling this week, Wed to help us through some of these decisions.

For my birthday wish when I blew out my candles this year, instead of hoping for a baby, I wished for peace. I want a peaceful year. I want to focus on 'me' things and 'us' things. I want us to have fun and enjoy life. Woohoo!

5% Hopeful was... Just That

I wrote about being 5% Hopeful 2 weeks ago, knowing it would be a 2ww. We tried naturally and I was conflicted. Conflicted because I wasn't sure if I could endure a 2ww even though I knew the chances were very slim - I was still 5% hopeful.

And I've been pretty good these last 2 weeks but, of course, it has been on my mind, pretty much every day, several times a day, but just gently there, so I guess that was good.

And this morning cuddling with my husband, I said, I know I have to wait till tomorrow to really know. He said try not to let it ruin your birthday weekend. And I said - but it's the not knowing that is the hardest.

And I guess Mother Nature wanted me to know so I wouldn't continue to have a hard weekend - I saw my period when I finally got up to go to the bathroom. Oh well. It really was just 5%, probably not even...

That's ok. At least I know. And it's not shocking. It's what normally happens so I'm used to it! (Ha! Not funny, I know... trying to find some humor here)

I had even told him in bed that I may be ready for an IUI again. Even though all I really want is a toddler or a kid. Even though I'm not sure anymore that I want to experience pregnancy and go through baby stuff. I don't think I'm jealous of babies anymore - I'm jealous of toddlers.

It struck me yesterday when I saw a man with a little 4-ish year old girl in a cute dress and I could tell she was telling him all about her day. It was so cute and that's what I so want!!

We go to counseling on Wed and I think that will help on being able to talk about options but I'll also think some more on potentially doing an IUI this cycle, because after all, who am I kidding? If I got pregnant, I'm sure I'd be ecstatic.

I will enjoy playing App.les to App.les today, having great, great friends over - 3 of them with their babies and relish in the amazing weather. And I will enjoy my actual birthday day off on Monday. More on that to come.

And I know I will continue to go to bik.ram ho.t yoga.  For those who like those updates, I've been searching each class for the last 2 weeks and haven't come up with golden tidbits but I'll continue to keep my ear open to them. But I will say that it's helped to ground me and give me more peace.

Have a great weekend everyone! Hope you have fun plans too!

Next Steps & Other Musings

Thanks for all your support with regard to our next steps in going to counseling. I believe it's the right thing to do.

My husband still thinks we can work all of this out without a counselor but I think there's some deep-seeded stuff that we just can't get to on our own. Our appt is next Wed evening. I'm eager for it but also a little scared. I know that counseling can sometimes make things worse before they get better...

But we did decide to start instituting a regular date night. I think I was craving quality time and need it in different ways. For example, it doesn't really count for me if we're being social with other people. I need intimate time with him - conversation, no interruptions, cuddling - and not being exhausted!

So, we both made an effort to be home by 7pm. We actually took a walk in our neighborhood, got good take-out shwarmas, ate it on our front porch and watched Mod.ern Family cuddling. It was splendid!

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Other than that, I decided that I need to learn more about foster care/adopt and what it's all about. I did an ama.zon search for books on fostering - both positives & negatives from kids' and parents' experiences. I love ordering from there and getting the second-hand deals, and knowing that I'm 'reducing, reusing and recycling' books that way. I can't wait till they get here. They sounded good for anyone interested:

• Three Little Words
• Practical Tools for Foster Parents
• I Speak For This Child: True Stories of a Child Advocate
• Another Place at the Table
• Orphans Of The Living: Stories

I'll let you know how they are.

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And, I'm very much looking forward to Saturday & celebrating my birthday that day (the real day is Monday). It's a Game Day party because I don't like staying up late so we're starting at 2pm and I love games. My most favorite one is:

Has anyone played this? So, so fun!!

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And finally, I learned more about St. Patrick yesterday via a pastor's listserve I subscribe to, and was inspired to let his passion run through me. This may be a little over-the-top religious for some of you but bear with me on the heavy parts as I paraphrase -

St. Patrick, whose feast day is March 17, suffered much, and was a mystical visionary; he heard voices, and never hesitated to go into peril as his only passion was to serve God and people in need. The famous Prayer of St. Patrick is always worth praying, especially:

“Christ be with me, Christ within me,

Christ behind me, Christ before me,

Christ beside me, Christ to win me,

Christ to comfort and restore me;

Christ beneath me, Christ above me,

Christ in quiet, and in danger,

Christ in hearts of all that love me,

Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.”

St. Patrick was all about making peace among bitter enemies. And, St. Patrick served the poor.

It's intriguing how we piggback partying on top of this sanctity and couldn't help but ask  how can we take an opportunity to give back in this great, holy habit of reaching out?

There seems to be no better way to observe Lent, and prepare our hearts for Easter – or to do something grander than wearing green or downing a pint to commemorate St. Pat.rick’s Day.

Interesting, huh?

It's Finally Time for Counseling

I was convinced after some comments on my Fostering post this weekend that it was time for a counselor to help us out.

I don't like that we've gotten to this point and I'm not really even sure it's that bad but it's not great either so I figure, why not?

Here are some things I think we're struggling with:

• Differences on what should come next in our family building - he really wants natural kids; I'm more inclined to look at foster care to adopt. I just really, really want children in my home NOW!!! And I don't have this overly huge desire to be pregnant and deal with babies... but I also think I'd be sad letting go of the potential of biology in there
• S*x - it's gotten boring. Ok, maybe not boring, boring but the spark is pretty minimal at this time. I can't tell if it's because he works oh-so-much or because of my hormone levels or because we have no new tricks or what. We don't even steal sexy 1 minute kisses anymore... and that makes me sad. We're very affectionate and love each other but I really miss that spark. This may/may not be fertility-related and could just be a factor of knowing each other for awhile or his work stresses but I want to figure it out. Especially because if we have a hard time with the spark now, it certainly isn't going to get easier with more people in our lives.
• Why we/he Want to be Parents - this sometimes makes me sad too and I just shove it under the rug. He hasn't been able to fully express to me why he wants to be a dad. I fear that he wants to 'just because that's what we're supposed to do'. I fear that much as he wants biological kids, he's really only going to take an interest when they're children and he can actually 'do' things with them and I'll get stuck doing a lot of the baby stuff.
• Feeling like his Work is Always Priority/in the Way - He works late a lot and on weekends, mostly both days but always at least 1 day. It's completely gotten to me. I've gotten to the point where I feel 'grateful' when he does spend time with me. I was elated a few weeks ago when I got him all to myself an ENTIRE Saturday. Because that NEVER happens. It's always only a few hours here and there. And evenings? I've learned to make other plans because he doesn't come home till 7:30 or 8 and when he does, he just wants to watch tv. Ok, I'm mostly exaggerating, but there's a lot of truth here and I can't help but feel like I'm one more thing he has to fit in. I know he really doesn't feel this way but this constant working makes me feel this way.

Ugh. I hate even writing any of this out. But I had another big cry yesterday when all he wanted to do at 8pm on a Sunday was watch tv and I felt alone again.

So, I found a provider accepting new patients and talked to her and she seemed nice and well equipped to deal with our struggles. She has lots of openings between this week and next week so hopefully we can start to address some of this stuff soon. Just have to get my husband to get a second to look at his schedule.

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I think I'm also emotional because my pseudo 2ww is now at one more week from my 5% Hopeful post where we tried naturally and even though I know it's probably not going to work, I can't help but be 5% hopeful and I really, really, really don't want to be disappointed.

And I was stupid to even 'schedule it' like this because I should know next Sunday and next Monday is my birthday. And I'm trying really, really, really hard to not let Sunday's potential bad new be neutral so as not to effect my Monday birthday. BUT, of course if Sunday's news is good, then that means a VERY nice birthday present.

Ugh. One more week... I need peace, I need prayers, I need yoga, I need a lot.

Fostering

So, I can't shake this idea of fostering, or at least foster care to adopt.

I became entranced with it during our second IUI and became convinced this was something I feel led to do after our miscarriage. But... my husband does not. At least not yet, is my hope.

I may not be like most of us in that I'm not sure that I have this strong yearning to have a pregnancy experience. In fact, it scares me, and seems like it would be unpleasant. I don't like being sick.  So the thought of possibly being nauseous for awhile, then feeling uncomfortably big, and then potentially going through a birth experience just doesn't seem like something I actually want. Anymore.

Is that weird?

I haven't had much support for this in real life. My mom thinks that I owe it to my husband to try to have natural kids - that it's natural to want natural kids. My mother-in-law just talked about all the potential bad things with foster kids. And my husband feels the same way.

But my heart keeps aching for this option. For kids who already exist. For kids who need to know what love is, what a family is, what stability means.

I also don't know that I'm cut out for babies. Back when I was single, I always thought that if I didn't find someone to marry, I'd adopt a 5 year old when I was 40. I knew that as a single parent, I wouldn't want to deal with all the baby stuff. So, I think having that in the back of my mind has helped me go down this road now.

And I also know that I won't be able to ever do it if my husband isn't on board. And I don't just want him to be on board. I want his heart to ache for these kids too.

Maybe I'm romanticizing it all though. What do I know about this? Yes, there are horror stories out there. I get it. But I think I've also learned with all of this that there are no guarantees. What if we had natural kids and they had a problem, physical or otherwise? What if we had the most loving foster kids? No guarantees.

I've read Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown and was so moved. I've read Hope's Boy by Andrew Bridge. And was moved.

I know it's not a perfect option. Is there one, though?  But my heart continues to ache for this option.

And sometimes I think I might be wanting this option because it seems more tangible. And I still get sad at the thought of not having biological children because I've actually pictured their little faces so many different ways already...

Anyone have any recommendations, other bloggers, experiences, etc.? Infertili-T&A has been really helpful (and also looking for a blog name change by the way!). They are on their way to this option. She said seeing The Blind Side converted her husband :)

If anyone else out there has any advice, resources or thoughts, I welcome them... I covet them!

What's in a Blog's Name?

I've had conflicted feelings about this. About my blog's name. At first I wanted to name it something like 'my ebbs and flows with infertility' but that seemed too long & cumbersome and the only thing that kept sticking was my infertility woes.

What I didn't like, though, was the negative aspect to the word 'woes'. I even did synonym searches on it and it seemed to be defined as: anguish, affliction, sadness, despair, misery, wretchedness. Not fun.

And while I couldn't figure out the right creative way to describe my ebbs and flows, and I was just eager to start blogging, I chose 'woes'.

But I'm conflicted because overall, I'm a positive person. And this 'woe' word really doesn't describe me. And I was worried that people wouldn't be attracted to my blog because of its downtrodden name. But I've decided that 'woe' is what we feel a lot of times - and why we've sought each other out. If everything was joyful, we probably wouldn't be blogging.

I still love seeing blog names like:

• Find Joy Now (you should check out her Thankful Thursday post with a link to a video called Tears & Hopes)
• Determined to Find Joy
• Suprised by Joy!
• Hopes and Dreams for Us

I love this positivity and I love that we're all there for each other when we have our 'woe' moments... which may be more sometimes and less sometimes - you know, the ebbs and flows of it all.

Great Feat... or Something

Ok, so it's not that great of a feat, but still...

This past weekend, I visited with my nephews, which was so, so nice! I love being around them and really enjoyed their presence and being a good auntie to them.

And then I saw my cousin's cousin who I hadn't seen since summer and learned upon seeing her that: she's 3 weeks away from giving birth. Unexpectedly. For the second time.

Yes, both pregnancies were unexpected. And both I didn't learn about till I actually saw her with her big belly.

That first time was hard. This time was ... surprisingly ok. Yeah, I could hardly believe it.

Maybe I've long thought that I'd rather be on this side of things (waiting) than have had the unexpected happen to me. Or maybe I've just been able to work really hard on my zen. And maybe it's because of all of you. And bik.ram hot yoga. By the way, yesterday's mantra was:

"Look up not down"

I like this one!

So, I think I overcame a great feat this weekend. Ok... maybe not great but it was something! :)

ps - I also heard this from a reflexology person today (my husand gets reflexology and is trying to convince me to go:

"Breathe deep & often"