I Allowed Myelf to Fantasize

I kinda can't believe I let myself.

In the brief few days of when I was expecting my cycle and it wasn't coming... I allowed myself to fantasize that there could be the most minute possibly that we were pregnant naturally.

Wouldn't that have been amazing/annoying?!?

Yes, I secretly wanted to be one of 'them'. And thought I really might be...

I know my cycle is usually a little messed up after a transfer. I know that. But I was still thinking, maybe, just maybe this time...

I knew it was a long shot. Such a long shot. We're about to transfer clinics to going out of town. We're transfering because our case has become so hard that one of the best clinics in our area can't really help us anymore. We're at that point... and I seriously thought for a second that maybe we were pregnant on our own? We're about to spend how many more thousand dollars by going to this other clinic and I thought what???

But I did. And for a couple of those days, those fleeting thoughts were just beautiful. That it was finally happening to me... for me. It was unreal. It was blissful. It was... I don't even have the words.

And I don't have them because I didn't let myself feel that too deeply. And I didn't have them because I have not let myself feel that in oh-so-long.

I've survived more recently by not allowing myself to feel that anymore. By moving on. By trying to be happy thinking of building our families in other ways.

I met a friend of mine who was in my Re.solve support group who is 29 weeks pregnant now and hearing that bliss from her both made me so happy for her and made me realize how numb I've become to knowing what that feeling must feel like.

It brought me back to our last cycle when I literally cried and screamed from the needles of meno.pur because they hurt that badly and on top of it, my heart and mind couldn't get over that most people feel pleasure in creating a baby, not painful needles. And how I was brought back once again to how unfair this whole thing can be. How unfair it's been that I can't be in that naive place ever again of thinking trying to conceive can be so easy and blissful.

It sucks, but it's ok. I go back to not fantisizing anymore. I go back to the home pregnancy test I bought yesterday that showed just that one line. That too-familiar one line. And I think, that's ok. I know this routine. This is what I'm used to and it'll be ok.

It just would've been nice...

It would have been nice to feel that bliss.