Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Taking a Break

I need a break, potentially a long break and potentially a forever break.

It's the first time I have felt this strongly about potentially not having kids. In fact, my normal answer to the question "do you have kids" is "no, not yet". Yesterday, for the first time, I just said "no".

Saying "no" without the "not yet" was interesting. The person (who had 6 kids in a blended family) said "good for you". It was interesting because it sounded like it had been my choice. Which it kinda sorta might be, though not entirely by choice.

But I know I may also be having an impulse reaction. The truth is that I'm worn out - physically and emotionally.

I guess (right now), I'm not longing for a child, a baby, the way I used to.

We have a consult with our doctor next month but he's been leading us to donor egg. And I'm 99% sure that is what he is going to say to us. We'll get a second opinion but I'm back to my truth - I'm worn out.

This last cycle took us 8 months. I'm not confident transferring just one embryo anymore and it took us that long to get 2 genetically tested (PGD) embryos. I'm 39. I know I have potentially a couple more years at this and more if we would consider donor but I have also now done 10 transfers and been pregnant a total of 7 times never making it to week 6. I'm not confident that this can work for us. And I don't know that I have the energy even if someone told me it might. 'Might' is not enough anymore for me.

And I can't quite wrap my mind around donor egg. I know friends who have/are doing it and I respect their decision. I just don't know that it's for me. I need to research it more, I guess...

And while years ago, I kept pushing for adoption over IVF, I don't have the heart for it right now. I'm worn out.

I've spent the last couple/few years trying to focus on the positive aspects of not having a child/children while we go through the grueling process of trying to have one/some and I've finally gotten to the point where I truly believe those positives now. After 6 1/2 years, I'm not sure that something is missing from our lives anymore...

I do worry about how this decision may impact our future. But I also know that we have wonderful nieces and nephews and we are so fortunate to be godparents to several children between us. (Surely someone will take care of us in old age, right?!?) :)

Seriously, though, we have been spending more time with those children and I like that. I like being able to be the fun aunt, the special aunt, and I want to develop that well into the future. So maybe we can have special/different/meaningful relationships with children without having them be our 'own'...

But I know I just need time. Whatever decision we make going forward will have a big impact and can't be taken lightly. I said all along about this past cycle that I needed at least the summer off if it didn't work and potentially 6 months to really process all of this. The (most likely) end to our combined biological genes is a loss. A big one. One I'm worn out from and one I need to take a break from.

Here's to some fun summer plans (I'm looking at Ban.ff Nat'l Park, Cana.da!!), hopefully another 1/2 marathon and potentially a fun fall trip to Spain with some college friends!

Taking a break will be good. And necessary.

Friday, May 2, 2014

It Worked... and Then It Didn't. Transfer #10 Failed.

I was pregnant! And I had symptoms about 3-4 days after transfer. It was so exciting.

I didn't feel them the entire time but often enough (strong sense of smell is the main symptom that stands out to me). And it was consistent enough.

About 5 days before the pregnancy test, I took a home test. I just had to. It was a digital one and I hadn't done of those before. There was a plus sign! I was so excited.

I kept thinking maybe all of our patience finally worked. Maybe we needed to do 2 cycles to get 2 genetically tested embryos and then wait to do a frozen embryo transfer. Maybe all of that work and waiting was all worth it!

My initial beta was 136. I was disappointed. We transferred two embryos and that didn't sound like a high number to me. I really, really wanted twins. I wanted to be done with creating our family.

Second beta two days later was 135. I was devastated. They said, let's be cautiously optimistic. They said this sometimes happens where the pregnancy stalls and then picks back up.

I knew better. We've been through this so, so many times. This is my 7th pregnancy where this has happened. Yes - SEVENTH. I cried and cried that night.

Two days later I go in and the beta is 79.5. I cried and cried that night too.

Man, we really thought it would be different this time. I'm crushed. I don't know what's next. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't know that our doctors will want us to.

At our current clinic, we have a consult set up a month from now. We're in a shared risk program so we'll get that money back and I think my doctor will recommend donor egg.

We'll get another consult again at RMA in NJ and see what they say.

But... this cycle took 8 months. 8 months to get 2 embryos. I don't know that I can go through all of that again, for what seems like such little chances. This was our 10th transfer. I've been pregnant 7 times and almost every time the same thing happens - I can't sustain a pregnancy for longer than 4-5 weeks. Ugh.

I don't know what to think about donor and I don't know what to think about adoption. I'm just so numb and dazed and down and confused.

I decided (while my husband is away this weekend which was pre-planned 6 months ago) to give myself a little pick me up and I'm going to NYC for the weekend which always makes me smile, so I'm looking forward to that. And we've got tons of fun things planned.

But as for family building... I don't know. I'm pretty sure we're done with this. And it's hard to take that our dream likely won't come true. That we've spent 6 1/2 years on this dream, 7 pregnancies, 13 fertility procedures, 2 related surgeries. All of that... for nothing.

I know we can't always get what we want. It's just hard when you've tried everything possible and you still want it so badly.

I don't know what's next but I know I need to grieve.