I know why I can't adopt but this nagging thing in my mind keeps surfacing asking me again and again, almost like I need to prove it to myself why I can't. So let me list the reasons right here:
- I'd have to convince B
- We're old, we don't have the energy we once had
- We're old, and unlikely to get picked
- There would be a whole new checklist of things to do
- I don't know if I could bare further loss if someone changed their mind
- My mental health has been pushed to its limits and I need to take care of me
- I want to have enough energy for D and my marriage
I still see all of that and think why I can't I just persevere through all of that if what I really want is a second child??
Such a big part of who I am is going after what I want. When I was told I couldn't run, I played soccer anyway; when I was told I'd go to community college, I didn't let that stand in the way of going to a 4-year school; I've lived abroad; I've traveled a lot; I moved downtown without much emotional support, etc.
My brother toasted me on the night before our wedding and said "When you want something, you just go after it, girl!"
And it's true and was so true with having D come into our lives. I persevered BIG TIME for that, even at the expense of my mental health.
I also strongly do not want to operate my life out of fear - in fact this sits on a shelf right infront of my bed:
But D's here now and that makes it different. We're older too. And I'm facing mental health issues again. And maybe it's not fear that is driving my decision but it's what feels right for right now in our lives and knowing that the whole process isn't easy ( to the "why don't you just adopt!" people) and there's risk with further loss without the guarantee that it would work, and I've just been through too much.
I guess as much as I would've wanted another child (and would accept a healthy baby right now if one landed in my lap), I don't know that I can put myself through all of that without the guarantee.
And maybe if I wasn't a mother, it would be different and I would persevere and do it. But I am a mom and I need to think of being the best mom to him and the best person to me.
So I guess my hope is that I'm leading a happy life. I want to get to a place where I feel resolved about it, knowing it'll probably still hurt in the future at times that I don't have another child, but where I can feel so blessed about what we do have because I have so much to feel blessed about.
PS - my increased meds have also gotten me back to feeling more like myself so I'm also grateful to not be feeling blah anymore. :)
