1 Year Blogoversary Came & Went

I've been so busy getting ready & going to India... and have taken such a turn for the better that I missed my own 1 year blogoversary!

So... happy 1 year of blogging anniversary to me! :)

I don't know what I would have done this past year without this space. It's been my haven. And if it didn't save me, it eased my pain in a way that I don't think anything else could have come close. And it has a lot to do with all of you I've met along the way. How we've connected. How you've heard me. How you understand. Like no one else does.

So, thank YOU for allowing me to be able to celebrate this momentous occasion!

And I want to specifically thank Stirrup Queens for being out there, for her advice on blogging (since I knew nothing about blogs and was extremely lost on knowing how to start & what to do) and for being the central point for so many of us to find each other (the blogroll, creme de la creme, LFCA, IComLeavWe, for starters...). Thank you!

Where am I one year later?
Factually-speaking, I am nowhere closer to my goal. I started out writing at our 2 year ttc mark with one miscarriage giving me the impetus to seek a world out there who understood. That's when I wrote First Post - My Journey So Far. This is the "year later" post, only a month late. :)

And while I haven't reached that original 'ultimate' goal, I think I've created a new goal for myself along the way: to be at peace with my life. In so many other ways, I'm a completely different person who has decided not to make having children be the be-all-end-all of my life. I've taken charge to try to enjoy life as much as possible for what it is, not what I wish it to be, and to not define myself by my fertility... or infertility.

No matter how we arrive at feeling better about our situation, it does change us. I am marked by infertility. But I'm at a point now, past the pain, of wanting to turn it into a positive, which for me is to appreciate the children who are in my life and be a more empathetic person to others who are going through hard times.

I'm grateful for arriving at this place, recognizing that a state of peacefulness is difficult to get to and can be temporary. But I'm trying to maintain that by working hard at my awareness of where I've come from on this and where I want to continue to be.

Thank you for being on this journey with me! I can't wait to know what the next year holds for me... and for us.

Travel Does Wonders for Infertilty Journey

I got back Sunday night and had a FABULOUS 2 weeks away! I felt like me again!

It's been 3 years since I've done really big travel. It's also been 3 years since we started trying to conceive.

Traveling has been in my blood. It's been my passion. Ever since studying abroad junior year in college, I have tried to plan 1 big trip a year, planning well in advance, saving up, looking forward to it. And everytime, it has left me so incredibly satisfied. On a high. Passionate about life!

I've done Europe, several times, including Eastern parts, I've gone to Costa Rica, Thailand, Peru, Tanzania, Mexico, the Carribbean, our very own US National Parks - and all have been amazing for my spirit! I'm adventurous and I crave seeing new things, experiencing other cultures and being on the go.

So, it was no wonder that this trip to India re-ignited some energy in me. I felt alive as I worked for 2 weeks and also visited with relatives. I loved being able to stopover in Dubai on the way home to see more extended family. I felt independent as I took in all kinds of new experiences. Everyday I was overwhelmed with positivity and so appreciative for this opportunity.

Yay for passions! Yay for focusing on something else for once! Yay for new experiences! And yay for resurrecting the 3-year-hidden me again!!

Too Much Childfree Living Talk?

I don't know how this happened but I have literally done a 180 - I no longer want children. At least for now. But I say at least for now, but I fully 100% feel this way.

And how can this be when I felt completely 100% opposite as little as 45 days ago?

I've been through much pain, I've done the work in therapy, I've grieved for my 3 years of ttc and 3 miscarriages and I've tried to focus on life as it is, the blessings in our life and living in the present. I've wished for nothing but peace.

And I finally have it.

And I'm thrilled that we're enjoying life. Friday night spontaneous dinner date? Bring it! Sunday afternoon ice skating escape? Right on! No daily cleaning of poo, pee and vomit? Yes! Being able to do whatever we want whenever we want? Sign me up!

I know, I know, I'm simplying, but I really do love life right now. And the thought of children does not interest me now.

But, is it too much for me to continually be talking about enjoying this new-found freedom when I know my husband doesn't feel this 100%? I know that parenting wasn't his #1 reason for wanting children, so he didn't feel it as deeply as I did. But his top reasons had to do with genetic continuity so I don't want him to feel like I'm squashing that dream.

It's interesting being on the other side. For 2 years, I've talked about nothing but getting pregnant, adopting, fostering - anything to get us the children I so desperately wanted. And he kept saying he wasn't ready for adoption and didn't think he could ever consider fostering. And it hurt so badly that he didn't want what I wanted.

And now the tables may be turned. He is being good about just letting me talk. I think he hopes I'm in a phase. And I think we're letting myself just be like this for awhile but I worry that if I still feel strongly about this in a year from now, it may be here to stay, in which case will our tables turn - will he be begging me to seriously consider children when I really don't want them anymore?

Interesting turn of events...

In the meantime, India, here I come (tomorrow!)...