Thursday, February 3, 2011

Too Much Childfree Living Talk?

I don't know how this happened but I have literally done a 180 - I no longer want children. At least for now. But I say at least for now, but I fully 100% feel this way.

And how can this be when I felt completely 100% opposite as little as 45 days ago?

I've been through much pain, I've done the work in therapy, I've grieved for my 3 years of ttc and 3 miscarriages and I've tried to focus on life as it is, the blessings in our life and living in the present. I've wished for nothing but peace.

And I finally have it.

And I'm thrilled that we're enjoying life. Friday night spontaneous dinner date? Bring it! Sunday afternoon ice skating escape? Right on! No daily cleaning of poo, pee and vomit? Yes! Being able to do whatever we want whenever we want? Sign me up!

I know, I know, I'm simplying, but I really do love life right now. And the thought of children does not interest me now.

But, is it too much for me to continually be talking about enjoying this new-found freedom when I know my husband doesn't feel this 100%? I know that parenting wasn't his #1 reason for wanting children, so he didn't feel it as deeply as I did. But his top reasons had to do with genetic continuity so I don't want him to feel like I'm squashing that dream.

It's interesting being on the other side. For 2 years, I've talked about nothing but getting pregnant, adopting, fostering - anything to get us the children I so desperately wanted. And he kept saying he wasn't ready for adoption and didn't think he could ever consider fostering. And it hurt so badly that he didn't want what I wanted.

And now the tables may be turned. He is being good about just letting me talk. I think he hopes I'm in a phase. And I think we're letting myself just be like this for awhile but I worry that if I still feel strongly about this in a year from now, it may be here to stay, in which case will our tables turn - will he be begging me to seriously consider children when I really don't want them anymore?

Interesting turn of events...

In the meantime, India, here I come (tomorrow!)...


  1. Have fun in India!
    And I think it's perfectly normal to embrace the life you have NOW so happily--even if it feels like a major shift. DH and I were doing the same thing right before we received our referrals--sort of self-protection--so much so that when we got them I waited a few hours and then said to him "you're really sure you want this" and he looked at me like I was a nutso for even questioning! Happy travels!

  2. Sounds like you are in a great frame of mind. I also feel myself shifting that direction! Have an awesome trip!!!

  3. India sounds awesome- enjoy your trip.

    I have also been in this frame of mind of late. I don't think I want it as much as my husband wants it... for now. It's great to enjoy life again. I do think we'll keep trying for a child, but the desperation is gone and that helps a LOT. Good for you for embracing the joy in your life.

  4. What a joy to be enjoying yourself once more! The dichotomy between your wants and your husband's may balance out. I hope. But time away from the issue either way can't hurt.

    Enjoy India :)

    p.s. Did you get your gift?

  5. Hope you have a fantastic time in India! It is so wonderful to hear you so happy & at peace, I hope you continue to feel content with your life and that you and your husband are able to reach a path that is best for you as a family. Good for you for focusing on the positives in your life and enjoying this one life!

  6. Who knows how you'll both feel next year; you won't know until then so if you're feeling at peace not enjoy it!

    India sounds FANTASTIC! I'm expecting many tales and photos when you return. :-D

  7. That is a big change of heart and it must be painful to be in a different place from your husband. Just take it day by day, try to find the joy, and see what your heart tells you. Have a GREAT time in India (JEALOUS!)

  8. I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with feeling the way you're feeling. Maybe it's a phase, maybe it's not. But now at least he's getting a glimpse of how you have been feeling when he's not been willing to entertain options that you've wanted to look into. I say ENJOY IT! If you change again later, no harm, no foul. :)

    Have fun in India!

  9. I have been off of blogger for soooooo long......I know exactly how you feel... This journey is damn hard.....I wish you much peace and happiness and LOVE...I love you friend....hopefully we will catch up via phone or email again one day......glad to hear that you are enjoying life again.

  10. I'm so happy for you to find out that you can find joy in many versions of life. It's hard to believe but turns out it's true. And the best part, you are free to change your mind at any time because it's YOUR life.

    Hope you are having a wonderful adventure in India and can't wait to hear all about it when you return!

    Big hugs!