Wednesday, June 22, 2011


I think I'm really bordering on depression. No matter what I seem to do, I feel lulled into sadness. And I'm seeing a lot of the signs: takes a lot of effort to make plans, haven't been going to church, don't enjoy socializing as much.

I'm wondering if I need anti-depressants. But how to reconcile that with actively trying to get pregnant? I talked to my fertility doctor about it and he actually said that it's better to treat depression even while pregnant than not. It still seems scary to me.

And... am I really at that point? Though I've kept asking myself that for months and months now.

Telling signs this past week: went to a baseball game with my husband and as soon as we got there I couldn't wait to leave because it felt like such an energy drain for me and we're going to Spain on Friday (Spain!!) and I'm not excited.

Or am I not giving myself enough of a break with my signs above: it was hot at the baseball game and I needed rest, so no wonder I didn't want to be there, and with Spain, we're mostly going to be with my husband's friends so is that a normal-ish reason to not be excited?

I just know that I'm not me. And haven't been for a long time. All due to infertility.

But then yesterday, I saw two old friends - one for lunch and one for dinner and really enjoyed seeing them (even though I talked about my recent emotional struggles with infertility... or maybe it was because I was able to talk about it).

But, bottom line is, will a pregnancy make me not depressed anymore? I think so... but who knows. If it's taken me this long to get this down, would being pregnant really make me feel better? Or have I been so anxious that I would just continue to be anxious during pregnancy?

And... the magic question is: even if wedid IVF this summer, there's no telling that it will work or how long it would take.

So, do I go for the drugs??

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Blocked Tube News & Vaca Coming Up

Wow, I haven't written in awhile. I'm not quite sure why.

Work has definitely had an uptick in hecticness! But I'm also wondering if I have as much a need for this blog. It may also be because I'm in limbo right now...

BUT the big news from last week was that as part of pre-IVF testing that I'm doing (in case we move to that as a next step), we found one of my tubes is blocked. This was news to me - I had an HSG done 2 years ago and I was all clear. I'm having a follow up consult with my doc this coming week to discuss.

I was actually really upset, crying on the table when they were showing me that it was blocked. What a blow! But I had also told myself going into all this testing to keep the long-term view on this. I didn't want to go back to getting knee-deep into every day details that would constantly alter my mood.

So, I allowed myself one afternoon of being upset and then I went back to big picture. A little easier said than done, but I think I did it (probably helps that work is so busy right now!).

I also decided to talk to my mom about it, knowing I was risking upsetting myself even more since she typically hasn't been able to support me the way that I need for her to. But - she came through and that made a TON of difference! So, maybe getting the emotional support means so much more to me than the physical challenges...

And I'm trying to keep my mind on our upcoming vacation - next Friday we leave for Spain!!! :)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Sadness Dissipating

I think I'm getting over my last miscarriage from Thanksgiving. I can see a clearing ahead of me. And it is starting to feel less and less of a struggle to keep it together everyday.

I've been keeping a gratitude journal. It's been a week. At first I didn't think I'd have much to say in it but from the first day, I have been able to write down 5-6 things a day. I am trying to focus on the positive and relish in small pleasures each day. And I think it's working!

I also mentioned The Happi.ness Project book that I think is making a difference.

And I've been reading the book When Bad Thi.ngs Hap.pen to Go.od Peo.ple.

(And just for fun, I just finished two good fiction books back to back - one was for & the other was The He.lp- I highly recommend them!)

I'm also taking next steps ahead - scheduling another HSG, blood work, pap - all things 2 of my docs would want me to do before starting the IVF process. I think it feels good to be moving toward something.

I'm still hopeful we can conceive on our own (we were able to quickly after my fibroid surgery last fall) BUT I also don't want this to go on indefinitely, so I'm getting everything together to do IVF if we need it. I'm not sure what the IVF timeline is but I'm thinking maybe August. We'll see.

I'm just glad to finally not feel like I'm at rock bottom anymore. That I'm coming out of it, slowly but hopefully surely.