Part-Time Work Solution & New Protocol

I am so relieved today because I am starting a part-time schedule!

I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner. I was starting to feel like I just couldn't do it all and have been wanting to quit for months and months now. My husband kept convincing me that I love my job and that I'd have too much time on my hands but I still couldn't shake the weight of trying to do it all.

And then I thought - it doesn't have to be all or nothing, does it? So, I came up with an exact 50/50 compromise - go part-time!

I started talking to my boss about it last week. It was a pretty emotional conversation and he really felt for me - something I hardly get from him. I told him how I just felt like I was at the end of my rope with all the medical stuff we were doing to try to have biological children and how this next procedure may be my last. I explained that I was having trouble holding it altogether and that something had to give. I even said that who knows the role stress has to do with this but I want to feel like I've given it my all.

He even said 'is part-time going to be enough for you?' and offered that they could be flexible if I wanted a leave of absence. Just knowing I had his support was tremendous. I've arranged my schedule to be 50% for the next 8 weeks and see what happens. I also got an appropriate, non-invasive note from our CEO giving his support for what I was doing. That felt really good too.

The biggest change happening with our upcoming FET is that my doctor has done uterine biopsies on me. They say that it can increase implantation. So, I'm hopeful with our new protocol.

We are also going to transfer 2 embryos this time - for the first time. My doctor says that having had 4 transfers already, transferring 1 only has a 30% chance, whereas transferring 2 has a 50% chance (with these biopsies) for a singleton and 25% chance of twins.

For the first time in a long time last night, B and I were laughing and discussing names for single sex twins. I don't remember the last time we've laughed about the possibility of naming our child(ren)!

It feels so good to be relaxed and hopeful again.

We start meds this Wed and transfer is on Oct 16.

Here's to a new cycle!

Processing Negative Results from IVF #2

It's been about 2 weeks of processing our second fresh IVF negative result. And it's our 4th overall IVF (we've done 2 fresh and 2 FETs).

What a blow. I thought I was going to be all peaceful no matter what. I really practiced being calm, collected, etc. I meditated everyday this cycle. I did acupuncture. I kept work stress to a minimum. But no matter how prepared we are, I guess a negative result is a blow (to most of us).

Oh, so upsetting. I just want to throw the towel in. I just don't understand. 4 cycles of failure? How much more can one keep doing? When does this not start to feel like beating a dead horse (I hate that expression by the way) pointless and endless.

I don't know how I keep going without it affecting my psyche. It's all I can do most of the time to not feel depressed. Do I just continue to keep my social activities to a minimum? Make sure I don't put too much into work to not be stressed? Keep pulling back on all other aspects of my life?

Either way, this isn't healthy. I don't want IVF to rule my life. But I don't have energy for much else either.

We just got back from taking a week's vacation... it was a bit random of a vacation but tied some fun things into my husband's 20 year reunion in NC. We took some time in the mountains to ourselves. We saw his family for one day. We actually had a GREAT time at the reunion (well, mostly me! I guess when the pressure is not on you, you have a better time!!), and saw a friend in Roanoke, VA.

It was so incredibly refreshing to "get away from it all". After 2-3 days, I really felt like I had left my problems somewhere else. And Plan B started to become a lot clearer for me. Or at least, the end to Plan A or a break from Plan A.

Here it is:

• Go into an FET (we have 6 frozen embryos and this time we will transfer 2).
• I think I'm done at this point after this one. I don't have much more stamina in me to keep going and it really does seem pointless. We've been going non-stop since Jan. Seeing an end to all of this is both sad and a relief. I will need to process that.
• Because it may be too difficult to end this completely, I may just be on a break, but it will need to be a serious break with the potential of not going back to this.
• My husband wants to do genetic testing on our embryos to see if that may be a problem. He'd be more interested in doing gestational carrier (either my best friend who has offered or looking into India or something).
• I'm not as keen on that because it still involves my body and IVF in some fashion...
• He has promised me that we can start more seriously considering adoption this fall so if this next cycle is a negative, we will go to an adoption expo in our town and I want us to start actively talking to a couple of agencies and people who have done various types of adoption to see what feels right for us.

This all isn't easy as next steps but it feels best to me to leave this stuff behind us if we have another negative. I feel like 5 negatives is enough. Enough is enough. I want to move onto something else that can feel more hopeful. I want to stop feeling like our house feels so empty. I want us to get our first child already.