I'm Already Bleeding :(

Supposed to test on Thurs and just as soon as I made my bloodwork appt, I went to the bathroom and saw blood! What?!? I called back right away and the nurse wasn't really helpful.

"We don't like to see that, but it might not mean anything... still come in Thurs and keep taking your meds. We'll keep our fingers crossed."

I was so upset. I cried and cried. It was too good to think that it might just work on the first one.

But it's ok... I knew I just needed to be upset. We went into this with the longer-term view and it'll be ok.

I had dinner with a good friend who is in town visiting. I almost cancelled on her, but I thought, no, this will be good.

And, of course, as soon as I see her, I started tearing-up and told her what was going on, and just as good friends do, she listened, was empathetic and I started feeling better.

Thank goodness for old/good friends. Thank goodness for perspective. And thank goodness for my peace right now.

It's disappointing. I know it could still not be anything, but I'm also realistic, and I don't think this is good news. Having our family, however that happens, is just going to take longer. And I knew that.

(I also went out and got popcorn (Pir.ate's Bo.oty!), ice cream, chocolate and cookies!)

The IVF Road

We've started IVF! In fact, transfer is tomorrow.

It's been both less scary than I thought... and then there were some parts I didn't anticipate.

Meds: Getting the big box of medications was an adventure. It IS overwhelming, and I kinda freaked out when I saw it all. Plus, I hate - yes, hate - needles, so looking at that wasn't good for me.  And, I mistakenly threw out the trigger shot (I thought it was just an ice pack!). Fortunately, the pharmacy took pity on me and sent me another free of charge. Phew!

Shots: Since I hate needles, what was my trick? Luckily, my husband saved the day, and all injection days, by learning all there is to know about giving me shots and I didn't have to learn any of it. I just iced myself numb and watched a fun video (from our trip to Vietnam and more specifically of Halong Bay, my dream place!) while he poked me everday, some twice a day.

Monitoring: Yes, and all those monitoring appointments! I was determined to lead a normal life throughout this and even biked to my doc's appts!! I want to try to be the IVF patient who does not gain weight! So, yes, I biked... Proud of me? You should be! (It's really only 1.5 miles each way... but the way back is up a hill, and it's been pretty cold, so I deserve kudos for that extra effort!). :)

Retrieval: Then comes retrieval time. I got a bit freaked about that, especially since I didn't realize the 'antibiotic' they give you the day before makes you get severe diarrhea... well, at least it did for me, so that wasn't fun. But, they got 8 eggs! Very exciting. (Even though I overheard a woman next to me get 30!!  -- They told me 8 of my quality ones were good).

I was pretty sore after retrieval and tired in general. Not sure if it's from the procedure or from the drugs or both.

The report so far: 5 fertilized and all 5 are doing well.

Next step: transfer tomorrow (probably just 1; will confer with doc today/tomorrow morning), and then a 2 week wait!

I'm hopeful... :)

Thoughts on 2011/2012

First, Happy 2012! I know I've been a bit MIA this year but I manage to keep coming back. For those of uswho have been on this journey together for a couple of years now, I know we mean a lot to each other and want to know what's happening, no matter what stage we're in.

The stage I want to get to? The peaceful one! :)

2011 was all about grieving and trying to move to a place of next steps... in a way that would be peaceful for me. I'm sick of the highs and lows of the chase and frankly, I don't think my mental and emotional state could take that anymore.

Fertility journey 2011 highlights:

• Counseling via someone on the Resolve website; someone who personally and professionally understands infertility. She is someone who really gets it, having gone through failed IVF and moved onto adoption. I don't know what I would have done without therapy.
• Moving past that my mother and mother-in-law just don't know how to be there emotionally for me. This has by far been THE HARDEST part of my journey. I always thought I could 'go to my mommy' in the really hard times but she misses the mark almost every time, and, as a result, I've had to shut her out. I don't think she means it (I really hope she doesn't) but she can't seem to get it. And I thought that my mother-in-law and I would be close... and that her being a pastor would really help, but it hasn't. I have felt like the time that I've most needed a mom, I haven't had one and that pain runs very deep. I'm still trying to work through it.
• A mind/body/fertility workshop focused on meditation (I still can't really meditate!) that taught me to stabilize the highs and lows we go through with the infertility journey. I hope I can keep this mindset going through IVF treatments.
• 4th pregnancy in July (2nd naturally after fibroid removal in 2010) and then miscarriage at 5 weeks. Somehow this one was easier to 'get over' because of my such low expectations. Sad, I know...
• Agreeing on a plan: start IVF in early 2012 IF we can go on a trip in Dec 2011
• I haved LOVED international travel and get such a natural high off of it. The last trip we went on was 4 years ago, when we first started trying to conceive. When I knew I wasn't looking forward to IVF, I knew I needed something to get my spirits up again and help get me through the shots! Vietnam has been high on my list ever since I saw a picture in a magazine 10 years ago of Halong Bay. My dream came true:


• IVF - Here we come! I have very mixed feelings about this. I'm skeptical and jaded at this point and I think too afraid to hope that this could work but I know how important biology is to my husband... and I know I'd welcome a positive outcome. :) PLUS, I've equally (if not more!) become excited with the thought of adoption and I know going through IVF might get us closer to that (hard to explain but particularly with my husband having lost his father when he was young, exploring our biology is something he really wants us to do before we consider adoption and I'm supportive of that)...

My main 2 take-aways are: 1) I feel more confident that however we get there (IVF, adoption, ?) we will likely have our family someday (and also trying to feel ok with that potentially never happening for us). I also know if it is to happen, that it can't necessarily have immediate results, being 4 years into this already so 2) I want to focus on feeling peaceful no matter how this happens for us and no matter how long this journey lasts for us.

I wish you all PEACE for 2012!

xoxo