Thursday, February 27, 2014

Relief & Disappointment from Genetic Testing

I got my results back from PGD genetic testing and I'm both relieved and disappointed.

The good news: we have 1 normal embryo.
The bad news: there was only one out of 8 embryos tested.

The cycle seemed to have started out well and was progressing very well. We ended up with:
  • 22 eggs retrieved
  • 20 mature
  • 17 were fertilized (with ICSI, which is what they recommend when doing PGD testing)
  • 15 made it to Day 5
  • 8 were biopsied for testing - this is where the numbers started declining
  • 1 made it
We have one frozen already from a cycle in October that had similar results (1 normal out of 5 biopsied & tested).

Our plan: to transfer the two that we have in the hopes that we either extremely fortunately get twins or at least have a better chance of one being the outcome. Our FET is scheduled for April 9.

I have to say, though, that as much as I have glimmers of hopefulness, the disappointment and the weariness is overshadowing a lot of that.

I'm having a hard time with thinking that this may actually be the thing that actually works. I'm also concerned that I'm also being greedy in that I want a FAMILY not just 1 CHILD. Is that terrible? And I feel like even if this ONE does work, then how do we get/muster up the energy to have a second child?? Which is why, at this point, I just so badly want twins...

I'll be 39 in March. If this works, I'll be 40 some before we can try again. It's just starting to feel like the light is dimming on all of this. We're going into our 7th year of ttc. I've barely got any energy left to even have these kids and raise them let alone keep trying to have them! Sometimes just unloading the dishwasher can feel like such an extra chore.

Ok... I'm wandering a bit here. This stuff just zaps the energy right out of you though.

I'm still so grateful for It's been so, so helpful.

B and I are in such a great place right now that I can't help but wonder if we just throw in the towel after this and live child-free. If we can't even deal with emptying the dishwasher, how are we supposed to add children to the mix?

Everyone always says that adding children to a couple adds a lot of stress on a marriage and frankly, I'm concerned about that. We have a great life right now with minimal responsibility. As you can tell, we both don't like doing household chores (and we have hired a cleaning service to help with that!).

But I just have all these things swirling in my head about:
  • What if this doesn't work? Do we go to the "ultra-specialist" in NJ? Will they likely say they can't do anything further for us? Even if they did, do we have the energy for it? Do we want to dump more money into this?
  • Donor egg is not something I'm very comfortable with. I think my husband would want me to be since genes matter to him (he lost his father when he was young so the genetic connection is important to him). I can't get around the idea of his genes with someone else's... The only person I might want is his brother's wife but I don't think she would do that for us...
  • Do we have the energy for adoption????
  • Can we/should we live childless? What would be the implications of missing out on the experience of raising children and experiencing having family when we're older and possibly even grandchildren?? Would there be less stress on our marriage/would we be happier without children? What if I'm "all alone" when we're much older? How would that feel?
Too many questions... time to go back to the therapist!!! :)


  1. Do you know what exactly is "not normal" about the other embryos? I am curious if you have the time to post about it.

    Yes, children on marriage is HARD! I hear some people say things like "oh, it has made us so much closer." I tend to disagree with that sentiment. I think we love each other differently, which is neither good or bad. It just is.

  2. oh, but I do want to say congrats on 2 healthy embryos!!! Fingers crossed for April 9!

  3. I'm glad you have two good quality embryos! Who knows, you may end up with quadruplets!!

    All of your concerns are valid ones. I found that many infertiles pray to have at least ONE baby (me included). And then after you have that one baby, you start to think and pray for another baby. And those infertiles who are still waiting for their one baby will make comments to you like 'you should be grateful you have ONE baby!' Which I can understand where they are coming from. But many people deal with second infertility and just because they have one baby doesn't mean the desire to have more babies should be dismissed!!

    Sorry, I didn't mean to go off like that. I understand all your concerns. It took us almost 10 yrs to have our fist baby and while it was hard TTC, it was also nice to have the freedom do just do what we wanted to do, anytime we wanted to. But once you are blessed with a baby, your lives do change and while you may not have those freedoms anymore, your lives will be SO blessed. And I'm not going to lie, it is exhausting and some days you would rather unload the dish washer all day long than dealing with a crying baby and sleep deprivation, but you always find the joy in all of it. It's just a new normal you have to get use to.

    Ok, I'll stop for now. Wishing you the best and keep on the z.oloft! It'll get you through all the questions and anxiety! haha.

  4. While this news is mixed, I am glad you KNOW what is going on and why IVF is problematic, that has to help a bit in lighting your way, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. I moved on to adoption ultimately as it was adoption versus egg donor and we decided that worked for us. I can say... you CAN do an adoption. The hardest part with that is the waiting. And maybe one of these embryos will work out. I say take it one step at a time. I don't blame you for wanting twins, but it doesn't always work out...And w who knows maybe after you have one you will be open to adoption or something else the second time! We adopted one and are trying desparately to save $ for another as we'd like to have 2 children, but we have never stopped TTC either.... None of these choices are easy and they are all very individual choices. Good luck to you!