Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Feeling Jaded

As though 9 years of trying to conceive wouldn't get you out of feeling jaded...

But I had. My little miracle, D, is here through surrogacy. It happened on our first embryo transfer and he's 15 months now and amazing. I got my first unprompted hug from him on Sunday and unprompted kiss from him on Monday. What could be better!

And here we were going for baby #2.

And I had worked so hard in these last months as the anxiety started to grow again with putting up a wall between what happened to me and what happened with us with surrogacy.

Big wall.

And it worked. I felt hopeful. I even felt naive!

When N sent us the pic of her positive pregnancy test, I thought, wow, this really does work! We're going to be parents again! I got lost in the innocence of how "normal" people experience a pregnancy. With utter joy and no/little thoughts of the what if's.

It felt so good too. To just feel pure joy. Without all the baggage.

But a week later the baggage was back... with N bleeding at 5 weeks and then the doctor's telling her there was still hope and then no heartbeat at 6 weeks.

So, I'm feeling jaded. I'm having a hard time gearing up for cycle #2 to be a hopeful one. And I'm already a little ahead of myself thinking that if it doesn't work, do I have it in me to find another surrogate and go through all of this again? (And not just this part "it" but the whole vetting process "it" that takes 6ish months and so, so many steps).

B and I have had many conversations about this last cycle. I've gone back to therapy about this last cycle.

My innocence has been stripped and that's just the way it is. Yes, I'll be more jaded going into this next cycle. And I'll have to detach from it a bit. And that's ok. It's about self-protection. I wish it didn't have to be this way.

Onwards with my shield of armor... and lots of love inside for a new little one.

No comments:

Post a Comment