Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Miscarriage #4

I guess it's 'technically' not a miscarriage but the end to a chemical pregnancy. I just can't seem to make it past week 5 1/2...

It's been an interesting experience this go-around. I was elated in week 3 to be feeling symptoms - my sense of smell was crazy, sore boobs, tired... I was actually happy again. I couldn't believe it. With all my recent depression, to be happy again was such a foreign feeling that I just basked in it.

And then within 5 days, not feeling it anymore, so I knew something wasn't right. But still my period wasn't coming. I tested at home and negative result. Two days go by and I test again and just a faint second line showed up, so I knew something really wasn't right... but I also knew that I was kinda pregnant and that felt good.

I went to my RE and got confirmation that I was pregnant, but with a 75 beta result, so not great. Two days later, I start spotting and got my beta back that was down to 20, so no 'real' pregnancy.

But, I'll tell you this - I was happy to be pregnant and happy that it happened again so quickly after really trying. You see, I had fibroid surgery last summer. We tried in the fall and got pregnant on the 2nd try and then lost it at 5 1/2 weeks. All winter and spring, I couldn't try again - I just didn't want the hopefulness and disappointment. But this summer, I said, let's give this another shot and it happened again, on the 2nd try.

So now I need to figure out why I keep miscarrying at 5 1/2 weeks. Or rather, why I can't keep a pregnancy. The two we had prior to my surgery were via IUI and I really want to be determined to not have to do IVF... but I think we may be on that road because I realized I really do want this, at least I want to try for us to have kids.

It feels good to have a plan. AND most importantly, I'm not feeling as depressed as I was this past winter/spring/summer. I filled a prescription for anti-depressants but haven't started taking them. In fact, as soon as I filled it, I didn't think I needed them anymore. Maybe just having them there as my secruity blanket was enough. I hope. It's been a rough ride and I don't want to go back into that hole.

I've got a plan and I've got my mental health back (for now)... and that feels good for now.


  1. Chemical pregnancies are real miscarriages and the loss is the same. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I do think early miscarriages tend to be egg quality related most often, and the IVF will tell you so much more about it. Also, be sure to ask them about recurrent pregnancy loss testing before you get started, just in case there's something else treatable going on.

    Best wishes to you.

  2. I am so sorry! I had three miscarriages around 8-9 weeks. On my third and final IVF cycle, my RE put me on love.nox (blood thinner, but I have no blog clotting disorder) and I think that really helped me. I hope that your RE will be able to do more extensive testing before you start your IVF cycle. Good luck!

  3. Oh no. I am so sorry for your loss - because it is a real loss. Thinking of you.

  4. I am so sorry about your miscarriage. My thoughts are with you right now.

  5. It's easy for me to say "the good news is you got pregnant," because I was never fortunate enough to even experience it because of my f'd tubes; it does sound like all your peices and parts will allow you to get pregnant, so IVF may not be necessary.

    I don't know if you tried Chinese medicine, but they can help with egg issues and implantation. I went to one for almost a year and my cycles and body never felt better.

    I'm sorry about this MC. IF sucks sucks sucks. I hope you and your doc find the answers.

  6. thinking of you, I am so sorry for your loss. And plans do feel good! oxo

  7. I'm so sorry for your loss. ((Hugs)) I hope you are able to get answers.

  8. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you are doing well. You are in my thoughts.

  9. I am so sorry for yet another loss. I hope this new plan gets you to your keeper baby xxxx