Tuesday, August 23, 2011

On Taming the Jealousy & Feeling Alone

I'm not proud of being jealous, but I am. I have a hard time (still) dealing with others' pregnancies and everything-baby related. Especially when there is little attention on me and my problems.

I'm hurting - not as badly as before but I'm still hurting. And I need consolation. I need attention. I need empathy.

Infertility and miscarriages, though, create an isolated reaction from others. It's hard for people to know what to do, so they do nothing. Which makes me feel alone and ignored. And I'm sick of telling people that I need support.

With our last miscarriage, my sister-in-law who is pregnant, told my brother-in-law who told my husband that if I wanted to talk, I should call her.


In the meantime, I've had to hide her fb postings because I can't watch her weekly "belly watch" photos and nursery pics and new car for the baby.

My niece is coming early Oct and I'll need to figure out a way to deal with it.

It's fascinating to me, that as long as people acknowledge my pain, I can be happy for whatever is happy with them - mostly dealing with baby stuff. But when no one acknowledges my pain, I don't feel like putting energy into their happiness.

You always think that people are going to be there for you when you go through a hard time. Well, it's been an interesting experience that people seem to disappear when you most need them. Or ignore you and only deal with all the happy stuff.

In other news, I have a consultation with another RE after Labor Day and this Friday we're heading to the beach for 10 days of relaxation!

I'm sorry I haven't been as active as a blogger and commenter as before but I'm still out here, trying to figure out how to not feel alone from people who claim to care and how to not be jealous. Hopefully vacation and a new doc may help!


  1. I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I remember very clearly feeling very similar to what you described after our loss, if people were willing to be there for me and acknowledge my pain then I too could feel happy for them, if not I felt anger and jealousy towards them. On some level I think it's hard not to feel this way given how difficult struggling with infertility is and then to add loss on top of that, after all we're human. Allow yourself to feel what you need to right now and I hope you have a lovely relaxing time at the beach ((hugs))

  2. Living this life is all about giving and receiving...mostly giving though in my opinion....be there for others, have empathy, provide support, be a friend, and do those things that you would want someone to do for you....its easy for us to be jealous...its a reality that it seems that other women get the prize while we sit and wait.....but we cannot allow our pain to push us away from people. it may not be that you family and friends are ignoring you....they may not know what else to say and may not want every conversation to be about your pain for fear that the conversation will make you feel worse or ruin a good day. Its good that you are owning these feelings....I do hope that you will accept love and friendships when the opportunities are presented. Enjoy you vacation....it's much deserved.

  3. You are not alone in this struggle...it is stinking tough.....

  4. I'm praying for you today! So sorry for this pain.

  5. You're not alone. I'm so jealous I could scream.

  6. My best friend & her husband (while starting to giggle) told my husband & myself that they are pregnant after 1 week of 'trying' well my very first few feelings were jealousy,sadness, anger & then finally happiness for them. These feelings were a real shock to me! I wish more than anything that my first reaction would have been happiness & excitement.
    My husband and i have been trying to fall pregnant for years and not even a miscarriage - NOTHING! (it is really sad to wish for a miscarriage so you knew at least something was working).
    I believe when my best friend told me if she had acknowledged our struggles and not kept emphasizing that it had happened only after a week & that he must have 'really good swimmers' it felt like a bit of a slap in the face.
    My husband & i are booking ourselves in to the doctors after the new year & hopefully we will be able to figure out what is going on with us And then hopefully all these awful jealous feeling will go away Because i can tell you i am really not looking forward to all her pregnancy updates and that is really sad that i feel that way. I feel like a bad person :(

  7. My SIL told my husband and I that she was pregnant with her first after 1 month of trying....we had been trying for several months. My husband (her brother) went white, and although I did have complicated feelings of why not me? (after all, we were married, they weren't) I hugged and congratulated them because deep down I was thrilled for them. I knew they would make wonderful parents. And, when she lost the baby at 8 weeks I was crushed, and did everything I could to support her.

    A few months later I did conceive, but experienced a miscarriage 7 weeks later (coincidentally on my birthday which I share with my husband). It was really painful, but it made us realize that I needed to continue to try while doing the activities I loved.

    Two months later I conceived and am now approaching my third trimester. We waited until 13 weeks to tell our families, and when we finally told my SIL she responded, "I was afraid so."

    I am now 22 weeks pregnant and have seen very little of my SIL. When I have she avoids me (will move to separate rooms during family functions) and will not look at me or speak to me directly. She has told her mom that she wants to be happy for us but can't be. Although I know she's hurting far more than I its painful for me as well. We were friends long before she introduced me to her my brother. She has made all efforts to cut contact with me and my husband. We miss her terribly. But knowing her so well I don't expect her to come around until she conceives. We all used to be so close, its all very sad.

    Its hurts that she can't support or acknowledge me or our pregnancy. I know that feelings that come with fertility woes are painful and complicated. And what hurts more is that she doesn't give us the opportunity to support her as well.