Friday, March 6, 2015

Game Over

I kinda can't believe it. This is now officially the end of this road for us.

Our 11th and last transfer did not work.

And we're bumming out. This was our throw-the-kitchen-sink-at-it cycle. We did everything possible and still nothing worked.

Kinda makes it slightly worse to know that both embryos were girls...

We're just sad. We're grieving. We're mopey. We're tired and have no energy. And we have no idea what's next.

There isn't much that would convince us to continue on. Our options at this point would be to use a donor egg in a gestational carrier, go the adoption route or decide to live childfree. None of these feel right at the moment. If I had to pick one, adoption makes me feel most hopeful. But we need time.

I guess I was technically pregnant, a bio-chemical pregnancy they called it. My hcg was 6.5. We knew it was too low for it to be a viable pregnancy. The second beta was 5.8 and we were to stop all meds at that point, then my beta went up to 16, so I needed to keep going to get checked. Next was 5.something and then finally 0, so for about a week and a half, I didn't have a repreive on this.

I'm rebelling a bit with travel. When my home pregnancy tests were showing pretty much negative, I booked a flight to visit my cousin in Sara.sota and just went last weekend. It was great to be warm, to be traveling alone and reading my kindle and to spend time with her kids who all call me Aunt. I feel especially close to the 10 year old, who rode her bike with me while I ran 6 miles and who kicked the soccer ball around with me and who leaned in on me at church. I just love her!

And this weekend I'm going to Philly to that cousin again who is coming into town to visit her sister there. I'm also really eager to book our August vacation and thinking either or Gree.ce.

And I have a half marathon next weekend which I had been training for prior to the transfer and then after we got the negative tests.

Oh, and I turn 40 in 2 weeks. That's a weird one. Not sure how to feel about that. Honestly, I don't feel great about it. But I'm going to celebrate by having my closest friends come over for an intimate dinner. Six women I've known for at least 20 years. And we're going to talk about my favorite topics--travel and books. And we'll hopefully play a bit of App.les to App.les!

Lots to look forward to and B & I are stronger than ever which makes this blow much easier to take than it could've otherwise been. We'll get through it. We don't know how but we will.

And in the meantime we're giving ourselves the space to grieve our imagined biological children.


  1. Shit. I'm sorry. I know. Not the most uplifting comment but I know this is all pretty sucky and I want you to know I'm here.

  2. I am so sorry that you have to endure such heartache. I am glad to read that you are doing things for yourself that are nourishing. Thinking of you and sending along strength and love.

  3. I'm sorry girl! I hope you come to peace with whatever decision you make later on.