Saturday, March 14, 2015

Our Choices

We had our phone consult this week so got a little insight which was helpful.

Basically, our doctor thinks that we produce good, viable embryos and he thinks the problem is more in the 'environment'. Ha! Nice bedside manner way of putting it. I did appreciate that, rather than him saying my body. Because of this, he says a gestational carrier would be our next step.

Our other doctor had been telling us that donor egg was the solution. We're going to go to him for another opinion as well as potentially some others.

The issue our current doctor says is that we can't be certain it isn't the environment. There is nothing that points to that--other than 8 early pregnancy losses.

Yes, even though we had an extremely low hcg this time, he says it still counts as implanting and still counts as a loss. So we've had 8 total.

The question is -- is there enough of a guarantee for us to do gestational carrier? (Not like there is with any of this... but what are our odds? He put it at somewhere between 66-80%). What if we do a cycle and only get one viable embryo?

I could be up for another egg retrieval, much as I wanted to be done with this, but I just don't know if this is worth it.

So, our options are:

  • Gestational carrier
  • Adopt
  • Live childfree
And I'm totally confused (and so is B) on what we want to do.

I feel some hopefulness in carrying out our dream with gestational carrier, but the cost makes me kinda sick and I think I want to be done with medical stuff (and for the record, I'd be fine with gestational carrier - I never cared about the carrying part so much as the outcome).

I know I wanted to adopt 5 years ago and that option makes me hopeful too; I just don't know if I need to grieve our imagined genetic children first. I know people say you just attach but it's hard to think about right now.

Living childfree is probably what is tugging at me most right now. It's hard to believe that I could feel that way since for a good 5 years there I kept thinking that I was a mom without a child. But this whole process has worn me down. I don't know that I have the energy for middle of the night feedings much less doing homework.

I turn 40 in a week. That seems weird. That age is so tied up with fertility. But if I take that out of the equation and don't focus on how 'old' 40 seemed when I was 20, I'm pretty happy right now.

I think I just need a break, a long one. Problem is, if we are going to do gestational carrier, I'd want to get these embryos made soon.

But for now, I'm going to focus on me, me & B and do happy things. Like travel. I'm trying to plan a fun summer vacation to either Scotland or Greece and maybe some fun weekend trips in between. I went to FL and to Philly the last 2 weekends and that felt great. I'm also having a fun birthday dinner with close friends next weekend which I'm looking forward to. I'm creating a photo collage of my travels and I'll have fun questions for our dinner conversation.

Oh yeah, and I need to leave right now (at 6:30am!) to run a 1/2 marathon!!!

(Pretty proud of myself for training up until a transfer and after the failed pregnancy. Go me!!).


  1. Sometimes more choices just equals more confusion on what is best or right. A gestational carrier does sound nice but yes, the costs are sometimes too much.
    Much love to you are you contemplate the next steps. And yay! on the 13.2. So incredibly amazing!!! You rock it!!

  2. I have been here before. We took a long long break and decided on adoption... all this to say.. take a break and then decide. I am here if you ever want to discuss the option of adoption. I both agree and disagree that you need to grieve first- as that is something I will always grieve in one way or another. But I have no regrets. I also have some childfree friends by choice in internetland if you ever need to talk to someone about it.

    Best wishes as you figure out what makes sense for your family. It takes some time. I'm sorry you've had to take this road less traveled. But I do know there was a certain sense of relief at being done that particular path of trying medically.And traveling and all that good stuff. Best wishes.

  3. Go you, I hope the race was fun.

    I echo what GCOE has to say. A break can help to bring clarity to the situation. I too am sorry that you are faced with such difficult decisions. Thinking of you and sending you thoughts of clarity and love.

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