Saturday, April 4, 2015

Struggling & Grieving

It's been a bit hard lately. I've been trying to stay upbeat and appreciate all the blessings in my life but it's also hard not to feel sad and grieve that we will likely never see our imagined biological children. That we'll never have that link.

We know it's not the end of the world and all of that so we don't want to make it a bigger deal than it is. And we are so incredibly fortunate with just about every other aspect of our lives. We have it really good. Especially our relationship.

But there's just been this underlying sadness between us.

We know we need to give it time. It's hard when we've just been on a 'next step' kick for years, and now there is no next step.

We wish we felt more strongly about adoption so we can just get on it, but we just don't right now.

None of our options seem appealing: gestational carrier, adoption or no kids.

So, we're doing the best we can. Talking about it with each other. Trying to have fun when we can. And crying to each other when we need to.

I feel like I've been giving work 80% effort and I don't like that. I've had a hard time focusing on bigger projects. It's been hard to have the energy to start new things. I want to give it more. It's a delicate balance between giving yourself the space to grieve and how it can affect things like work, energy levels, relationships, and also knowing when you've got to step it up.

I also cope with travel and have a few fun trips planned that I'm completely excited about:

  • Going to Arches and Canyonlands National Parks in southern UT at the end of April with two friends. So excited! Been wanting to see Arches in particular for so long!
  • Most likely Iceland in July with my best friend! That's got me super excited!
  • And probably Scotland with B in Sept.
  • (Also trying to see if we can do something big over Christmas/New Year's like Goa, India or Argentina)
So all of that has me distracted in a really good way!

And we have other non-adventurous trips coming up too:
  • Seeing B's family in NC Memorial weekend. Can't wait to see my cutie 3 1/2 year old niece and 1 1/2 year old nephew!
  • Beach trip 3 hours away to Rehoboth Beach, DE for a long weekend at the end of July
  • Beach trip to SC with B's college friends in August
  • I want to try to get up to NYC at some point too
  • And we'd love to take our nephews to the Crayola place in PA this summer
So potentially too much going on. :)

Oh, and baseball season starts on Monday! We're actually going to the Nationals' exhibition game today against the Yankees and excited to get back to our ballpark this season.

Lots going on, lots to look forward to...

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