Heartbeat for Embryo Transfer #3!!!

Oh man... so I didn't write about the last 2 weeks and how anxiety-producing they were...

Her beta was on Mon, Dec 9 and she was at 439 at 13 dpt then at 918 on Wed, Dec 11. They wanted her to re-test again on Friday since the doubling was right around 100% (which I didn't understand bc I always thought they looked for at least 60%). The nurse told me that our doctor thought 100% doubling is on the low side...

So she tested again on Fri, Dec 13 and it was 1968, still doubling but she basically told us that it's a slow rise and they are concerned about ectopic pregnancy or a smaller than expected pregnancy or "best case scenario everything is normal".

So, that was unsettling to say the least. I fully expected her to bleed by 5-5 1/2 weeks as N had and as I had, so the next week (last week) was SUPER anxiety-filled. I think I took am.bien every night and took higher dosing of my anti-anxiety meds.

I bought my flight on Tues to be there for the ultrasound on 12/23 (yesterday) which the nurse again said 'we'd see where the placement of the pregnancy was' not 'the heartbeat', so.... I was preparing for bad news.

And it didn't help that B and I didn't really get a chance to talk that whole weekend of the 13th-15th because we had a house guest (a friend that was super fun) and a wedding we went to with other people (which was also super fun).

I am glad I had a lot of good distractions... BUT we did get into a fight/two fights on that Sun when getting ready for a holiday party. Yes, we were worn out, and stressed, an emotional, and it wasn't good. Thankfully we were able to quickly recover but I still feel really bad about how much I yelled that day.

I went down to NC on Sat evening. K picked me up from the airport and it was good to get time with her in the car. I got to hug my niece and nephew before bedtime and then K and R stayed up for about an hour chatting which was also good.

R is a pastor and we stayed for 2 services on Sunday morning and his sermon was JUST what I needed to hear. It was truly beautiful and turns out he didn't even change any of it based on our convo Sat evening. How amazing is that!

I had a great time with the kids. It was nice to be with them without the whole family. The boy loves to cuddle and I just love playing with my niece's hair and her personality and I just think she's the cutest!

K and I took naps and had a lazy Sunday afternoon, then went out as a family for a fun dinner and some unexpected fun shopping.

I DID NOT sleep well AT ALL on Sun night. Our appt was Monday morning at 9am. Thank goodness it was that early and we didn't need to wait longer.

When we got called back, we told the technician that we were expecting bad news for her to not feel badly delivering it. And if it was to be good news to be gentle about it bc we didn't think we could take a big hoopla.

And holy moly if I didn't see that heartbeat right before she said it. And I already started to cry and then super uncontrollably in my hands. I really couldn't believe it. My little A was in there. (At least I'm hoping we can call it little A). Man. Man oh man. No words can explain this.

K was crying too. It took me awhile to pull myself together.

The tech said that it was a strong heartbeat - 142 beats per min. They look for over 80 and anything over 100 is good.

Yay! Maybe this little one will stick!

And you know, all that stuff about getting over that it wasn't a girl? It was amazing to me how much I kept saying, my little boy is in there. He made it! He's measuring 6w2d now. :)

Now, let's just keep our fingers and toes crossed. I want to believe in this so so badly.

(And I also know I'll be ok if it doesn't work).

But both B and I feel more confident now. We hadn't made it past this point since L and we hope that means it's a really good sign.

Best Christmas present ever!
xoxo

Embryo Transfer #3 Positive (So Far)

Yes! We had our 3rd embryo-transfer with our sister-in-law, K, last week, on Nov 27th, which would've been B's parents' 50th wedding anniversary (his father passed away 30 years ago), so we were hoping this date would bring us some good luck.

I was really nervous. I didn't want to make too big a deal about it.

I had been to counseling lots pre-grieving the loss of this last attempt, this last embryo, so I was very weary.

And K and I had a nice ride to the clinic talking about all of that. I'm glad it's so easy for she and I to talk about it and understand and be on the same page.

But I did get her special socks (and wrote her a special card) and I got the socks to match mine which were a gift from an infertility warrior friend. Cute, huh?

We had a nice Thanksgiving together and on the day she left she said, watch this one be the one that works because I don't feel anything... ok.

By Sunday and Monday nights, I wasn't sleeping well. My anxiety was much higher than normal. And then luckily, she texted me this on Tues morning:

Whoa is right! I wasn't even expecting her to test until Wed, which is early. Tues was Day 7!!!

So I felt super joyous all morning long and texted my closest people about it!

And then by afternoon, the PTSD was back. The 'be cautious, we've been here before... will she start bleeding at 5 1/2 weeks like the other ones... let's not get too ahead of ourselves...'

But it's really a rollercoaster because then the joyous feelings come back, and then PTSD again and so on.

One evening this week, I even allowed ourselves to talk about names. And I let myself say out loud "I wonder if he'll look like D or if he'll look completely different..."

And it was kinda fun.

And I decided to let myself because really, when I thought about it, if this doesn't work, it's not like it's going to hurt more if I let myself feel the joyous parts of it. 

Counseling helped this week too. She told me I was doing a good job. And that felt good to hear because I think I am too. 

I knew this would be extra stressful with the holidays and I also knew I didn't want the stress of the holidays get to me, especially with this in the background/foreground, and I wanted to actually enjoy the fun parts about the holidays so this is what I've done/am doing:

• I got all our major Christmas gift shopping done AND wrapped by Nov 30. So much so that when my best friend, J, gave me an idea for her son on Dec 2, I said, nope, I'm done! Give that idea to someone else. ;)
• I decided which of the events really mattered to me and decided to prioritize them (my friend's open house even though it's 45 mins away and J's holiday party)
• I decided to have a good attitude about the 'musts' - family bdays squeezed in there, both office holiday parties, and a wedding (!!!)
• I decided to do no sugar/no processed foods so I don't feel gross (though at the first event of the month last night, I decided to have dessert at the end of the night; I had gotten my period that day and there were no healthy options out and I decided I could make an exception and not be that hard on myself!)
• I'm also enjoying time with D. The other night, we were behind schedule for dinner and bedtime because we decided to work on the puzzle box and had so much fun playing puzzles that I let ourselves indulge in that.
• And I'm enjoying and very energizing by the work stuff going on right now

So, I feel like I'm focusing on all the right things and controlling what I can and being gentle on the things I can't.

Beta is Monday and heartbeat would be on Mon, Dec 23! Next counseling appt is the week of Dec 16.

And now I must get ready for one of the fun holiday events today!

Keeping fingers, toes and everything else crossed.