Taking a Break

I need a break, potentially a long break and potentially a forever break.

It's the first time I have felt this strongly about potentially not having kids. In fact, my normal answer to the question "do you have kids" is "no, not yet". Yesterday, for the first time, I just said "no".

Saying "no" without the "not yet" was interesting. The person (who had 6 kids in a blended family) said "good for you". It was interesting because it sounded like it had been my choice. Which it kinda sorta might be, though not entirely by choice.

But I know I may also be having an impulse reaction. The truth is that I'm worn out - physically and emotionally.

I guess (right now), I'm not longing for a child, a baby, the way I used to.

We have a consult with our doctor next month but he's been leading us to donor egg. And I'm 99% sure that is what he is going to say to us. We'll get a second opinion but I'm back to my truth - I'm worn out.

This last cycle took us 8 months. I'm not confident transferring just one embryo anymore and it took us that long to get 2 genetically tested (PGD) embryos. I'm 39. I know I have potentially a couple more years at this and more if we would consider donor but I have also now done 10 transfers and been pregnant a total of 7 times never making it to week 6. I'm not confident that this can work for us. And I don't know that I have the energy even if someone told me it might. 'Might' is not enough anymore for me.

And I can't quite wrap my mind around donor egg. I know friends who have/are doing it and I respect their decision. I just don't know that it's for me. I need to research it more, I guess...

And while years ago, I kept pushing for adoption over IVF, I don't have the heart for it right now. I'm worn out.

I've spent the last couple/few years trying to focus on the positive aspects of not having a child/children while we go through the grueling process of trying to have one/some and I've finally gotten to the point where I truly believe those positives now. After 6 1/2 years, I'm not sure that something is missing from our lives anymore...

I do worry about how this decision may impact our future. But I also know that we have wonderful nieces and nephews and we are so fortunate to be godparents to several children between us. (Surely someone will take care of us in old age, right?!?) :)

Seriously, though, we have been spending more time with those children and I like that. I like being able to be the fun aunt, the special aunt, and I want to develop that well into the future. So maybe we can have special/different/meaningful relationships with children without having them be our 'own'...

But I know I just need time. Whatever decision we make going forward will have a big impact and can't be taken lightly. I said all along about this past cycle that I needed at least the summer off if it didn't work and potentially 6 months to really process all of this. The (most likely) end to our combined biological genes is a loss. A big one. One I'm worn out from and one I need to take a break from.

Here's to some fun summer plans (I'm looking at Ban.ff Nat'l Park, Cana.da!!), hopefully another 1/2 marathon and potentially a fun fall trip to Mallor.ca Spain with some college friends!

Taking a break will be good. And necessary.

It Worked... and Then It Didn't. Transfer #10 Failed.

I was pregnant! And I had symptoms about 3-4 days after transfer. It was so exciting.

I didn't feel them the entire time but often enough (strong sense of smell is the main symptom that stands out to me). And it was consistent enough.

About 5 days before the pregnancy test, I took a home test. I just had to. It was a digital one and I hadn't done of those before. There was a plus sign! I was so excited.

I kept thinking maybe all of our patience finally worked. Maybe we needed to do 2 cycles to get 2 genetically tested embryos and then wait to do a frozen embryo transfer. Maybe all of that work and waiting was all worth it!

My initial beta was 136. I was disappointed. We transferred two embryos and that didn't sound like a high number to me. I really, really wanted twins. I wanted to be done with creating our family.

Second beta two days later was 135. I was devastated. They said, let's be cautiously optimistic. They said this sometimes happens where the pregnancy stalls and then picks back up.

I knew better. We've been through this so, so many times. This is my 7th pregnancy where this has happened. Yes - SEVENTH. I cried and cried that night.

Two days later I go in and the beta is 79.5. I cried and cried that night too.

Man, we really thought it would be different this time. I'm crushed. I don't know what's next. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't know that our doctors will want us to.

At our current clinic, we have a consult set up a month from now. We're in a shared risk program so we'll get that money back and I think my doctor will recommend donor egg.

We'll get another consult again at RMA in NJ and see what they say.

But... this cycle took 8 months. 8 months to get 2 embryos. I don't know that I can go through all of that again, for what seems like such little chances. This was our 10th transfer. I've been pregnant 7 times and almost every time the same thing happens - I can't sustain a pregnancy for longer than 4-5 weeks. Ugh.

I don't know what to think about donor and I don't know what to think about adoption. I'm just so numb and dazed and down and confused.

I decided (while my husband is away this weekend which was pre-planned 6 months ago) to give myself a little pick me up and I'm going to NYC for the weekend which always makes me smile, so I'm looking forward to that. And we've got tons of fun things planned.

But as for family building... I don't know. I'm pretty sure we're done with this. And it's hard to take that our dream likely won't come true. That we've spent 6 1/2 years on this dream, 7 pregnancies, 13 fertility procedures, 2 related surgeries. All of that... for nothing.

I know we can't always get what we want. It's just hard when you've tried everything possible and you still want it so badly.

I don't know what's next but I know I need to grieve.

Transfer #10

I couldn't believe when I was actually counting this out that it was really #10. But we've been through a lot so it doesn't surprise me either!

I know I've been quite of late. I went through a few bad weeks after our genetic testing results but by mid-March, I was doing better and getting ready for our two frozen embryos & transfer - one from this past cycle in Feb and one from our Oct cycle.

Transfer #10 happened yesterday - Wed, April 9!

This is the best chance we've got, we think. Both genetically tested normal embryos. Two of them. And doing it via frozen cycle, so we feel that the time is optimal. (There were some questions around our last fresh cycle in June as to whether with genetic testing we had missed the window by transferring on Day 6...). So here we are 9 months later at the next transfer opportunity.

I've been feeling at peace for the most part but I know I can say that now that I'm in the hopeful phase. I do say that we're being cautiously optimistic but will also not be surprised if this doesn't work. And if it doesn't, we'll have R.M.A. in NJ take a look at our records again and see if they feel they could do anything differently for us. But the facts are the facts - out of the last two cycles, we've only gotten one viable embryo. We know one is all is takes but I don't know that I'd want to transfer just one embryo and I don't know that I can go through two more retrievals... I'm getting ahead of myself.

Here's to a little hopefulness. And I've got a lot planned in the coming weeks & months to keep my mind distracted!

Relief & Disappointment from Genetic Testing

I got my results back from PGD genetic testing and I'm both relieved and disappointed.

The good news: we have 1 normal embryo.
The bad news: there was only one out of 8 embryos tested.

The cycle seemed to have started out well and was progressing very well. We ended up with:

• 22 eggs retrieved
• 20 mature
• 17 were fertilized (with ICSI, which is what they recommend when doing PGD testing)
• 15 made it to Day 5
• 8 were biopsied for testing - this is where the numbers started declining
• 1 made it

We have one frozen already from a cycle in October that had similar results (1 normal out of 5 biopsied & tested).

Our plan: to transfer the two that we have in the hopes that we either extremely fortunately get twins or at least have a better chance of one being the outcome. Our FET is scheduled for April 9.

I have to say, though, that as much as I have glimmers of hopefulness, the disappointment and the weariness is overshadowing a lot of that.

I'm having a hard time with thinking that this may actually be the thing that actually works. I'm also concerned that I'm also being greedy in that I want a FAMILY not just 1 CHILD. Is that terrible? And I feel like even if this ONE does work, then how do we get/muster up the energy to have a second child?? Which is why, at this point, I just so badly want twins...

I'll be 39 in March. If this works, I'll be 40 some before we can try again. It's just starting to feel like the light is dimming on all of this. We're going into our 7th year of ttc. I've barely got any energy left to even have these kids and raise them let alone keep trying to have them! Sometimes just unloading the dishwasher can feel like such an extra chore.

Ok... I'm wandering a bit here. This stuff just zaps the energy right out of you though.

I'm still so grateful for zo.loft. It's been so, so helpful.

B and I are in such a great place right now that I can't help but wonder if we just throw in the towel after this and live child-free. If we can't even deal with emptying the dishwasher, how are we supposed to add children to the mix?

Everyone always says that adding children to a couple adds a lot of stress on a marriage and frankly, I'm concerned about that. We have a great life right now with minimal responsibility. As you can tell, we both don't like doing household chores (and we have hired a cleaning service to help with that!).

But I just have all these things swirling in my head about:

• What if this doesn't work? Do we go to the "ultra-specialist" in NJ? Will they likely say they can't do anything further for us? Even if they did, do we have the energy for it? Do we want to dump more money into this?
• Donor egg is not something I'm very comfortable with. I think my husband would want me to be since genes matter to him (he lost his father when he was young so the genetic connection is important to him). I can't get around the idea of his genes with someone else's... The only person I might want is his brother's wife but I don't think she would do that for us...
• Do we have the energy for adoption????
• Can we/should we live childless? What would be the implications of missing out on the experience of raising children and experiencing having family when we're older and possibly even grandchildren?? Would there be less stress on our marriage/would we be happier without children? What if I'm "all alone" when we're much older? How would that feel?

Too many questions... time to go back to the therapist!!! :)

22 eggs for Attempt #6!

We had such a great retrieval yesterday - technically retrieval #5 and attempt #6, though we've only done 4 retrievals and 3 IVFs, so I'm not even sure what to keep calling our attempts...

But the good news is good news. Of our 22 eggs, 17 were mature and 15 fertilized (via ICSI since we're doing PGD genetic testing on embryos now).

We'll know next Tues how many made it do Day 5 and then it will be approx 2 weeks for the PGD testing and in the meantime, I will wait for my period and start to prep for an FET.

We have one frozen embryo right now and hoping to get one more to transfer two.

So, I'm hopeful and that's nice going into Valentine's Day...

IVF Attempt #6? / All Kinds of Feelings Going On

I don't even know how to call my cycles anymore! But regardless, I think this is a somewhat #6 IVF (sort of) attempt coming up... and I'm hopeful again.

My situation is so complicated that I even get confused explaining it. In our IVF/retrieval #4, we had 1 genetically tested normal embryo that we decided to freeze. Attempt #5 did not work (leading follicle).

I have now been on birth control pills for almost 3 weeks and go in this Thursday for the pre-IVF bloodwork and ultrasound, and will hopefully get started on stims on Sun, Feb 2.

It's still a long haul for us. If we get to retrieval and have a decent amount of embryos, we'll do genetic testing and freeze what we have. Then will go into a frozen cycle as soon as possible, likely in April.

I'm so, so eager for this to work. There are so many variables, though, and I'm just trying to keep it all together and stay calm. I'm part of a "Crossroads" support group now who have all kinds of issues and so we're used to not getting our way!

It does sometimes seem like I'm in this never-never land and will never get out. It feels like it's been an eternal limbo land while most others have gone on to have at least their second and if not third child/pregnancies.

January hit me pretty hard. It's been 6 years of us trying to conceive. SIX years. Can you even imagine that?

It's been a long road and it will continue to be. (I so wish I could just do a normal IVF and be over with this by the end of this month!). I'm not sure why I'm being faced with this and sometimes it feels like more than I can bare.

I'm also facing the loss of my job and that feels hard as well. Just the uncertainty of it all. This is a job I took a year ago and have been loving but the company's financial outlook isn't great so I think there will be lay-offs in a couple of weeks that will likely include me.

Glad I have counseling tomorrow! :)

It's been a bit tough, I'll admit. But I've been keeping a gratitude journal and that reminds me each day that there is joy. And that helps.

I keep trying to plan what I can of things that I know I'll look forward to or will make me happy like going to a comedy show or a concert. I have a couple of those coming up in the next month.

It's all one day at a time, one breath at a time. Oh yeah, and I've been continuing my yoga too which helps my outlook and waistline! Seriously, it's a great stress relief.

Lots going on.

Forced Break is Doing Me Good... in the Galapagos too!

It's been awhile... a long while. I guess it's kind of nice NOT ttc'ing! The forced break has been really, really good. So has zo.loft!

Here are some highlights from the last few weeks:

• A trip to the Galapagos Islands solo! My husband couldn't come and he knows how much I love & need to travel so I just hooked onto a tour group and it was so much fun!! Giant tortoises and swimming with sea turtles and getting up really close to all the animals and birds were incredible. And I loved meeting all the new & random people I met. Here are some fun pics from that!

a giant tortoise

red sally lightfoot crabs

iguana

blue footed booby bird

B's 40th Surprise Birthday Party - I have spent the last 6 weeks planning a surprise party for B and it was awesome! It's so true that it is better to give than to receive. Giving him this party made me so, so happy!! I themed it 20x2 and blew up pictures of him around age 20 to make him feel half his age again! Here's his cake (and now you know his name...):

• Bought a 3 month pass to my favorite bik.ram yoga studio! Being able to plan that far in advance was amazing.
• Went to NYC to see Annie with my childhood friend who lives there now. We "played" Annie so much when we were younger that it was so special to see this with her in real life... and I just LOVE New York City!!

Those are just some of the highlights. It's been a great ~2ish months!

Next Steps with IF: waiting to get a regular period to start bcp and start a new cycle. We have 1 frozen embryo but I really want to transfer 2 and/or have another leftover for sibling #2. We have to do genetic testing on our embryos so we have to freeze our embryos while they're being tested and then I have to start a new FET. Kind of a pain but needs to be done. 

The likelihood of a transfer is now March or April. 

I will just keep trying to enjoy life in the meantime!

Hope you all had nice holidays!