Gosh, I thought I was doing ok this week. Recovering from fibroid surgery isn't great and I'm still not back to myself. It's only been a little over a week...
It's been over 2 1/2 years of us trying to conceive with a lot of heartache throughout. And at the same time, this week, it seems like everyone is turning one. And it's painful to see.
It's painful to think that our child should at least be that age. That's how long we've been wanting him/her to be here with us. Why is it that between face.book postings and cards in the mail for birthday party invitations, I am feeling jealous... and left out. Left out of this motherhood club. Parenthood.
Yet, this week I've felt hope. I've felt hope in a way that I haven't in a really long time. And I'm scared because I've known hope before, and it's failed me each time. But I want to think this is different. I've heard of at least two people who were able to get pregnant after the removal of a fibroid.
And, God, I hope that's us too. Please let it be. I can't stand being jealous and left out anymore.
2 years ago
I know what you mean. Shortly after we got married there were three women at my work who got pregnant. Their children are now almost three... It's been difficult to watch these little ones grow and know that my children 'should' be close in age to them.
ReplyDeletePraying that you recovery quickly from your surgery and are able to move forward on your ttc journey soon.
ICLW
The good thing is that you still have hope and you haven't given up... I know exactly how you feel but at least the fibroid is out and I know you'll be pregnant again soon:)
ReplyDeleteI am wishing you well! I know how it feels to see every one celebrating occasions and missing out. I'm hoping your fibroid surgery helps!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are feeling hopeful. It is so hard to see the kids you you thought your kid would play with grow and you are left behind.
ReplyDeleteThat was a good size fibroid they removed. As a nurse, I loved the last line of your last post about being happy you pooped because "supposedly it's a big deal"
I am hopeful for you too.
You are feeling left out, because you are left out: WE are left out. It is not the right timing for us, but there is a bigger and better plan. Make sure to remember all the wonderful things in your life now. Like the hope you have after the surgery! It's exciting.
ReplyDeleteAfter wanting to keep in touch with any and all friends and acquaintances from high school/college on facebook, this summer I decided to delete my account, at least for the time being. I found myself yearning for the things they had that I didn't, primarily children. Just a thought. I guess I thought that if I couldn't control the jealous twinges on my own, I would remove the temptation.
http://bringingyoumorethanasong.blogspot.com/
I can totally relate to your post. If it weren't for the m/c, I would be celebrating my baby's first birthday this week. One of my good friends just had a baby, and it has been hard to see her as a new mom and know that we are missing out. Hang in there!
ReplyDeletehello from ICLW - i just wrote a very similar post, well 2 actually... one on facebook and why i need to take breaks from it and the other on feeling left out of the "mom club" ... it still seems like a whole new world to me that i am not allowed to enter. i hope oneday we can all meet there. hope you recover quickly!
ReplyDeleteI so completely understand. I had gotten to the point in our IF battle (when we found out that bio-children were impossible) that I could no longer put up a Christmas tree, didn't dare go to church on Mother's Day and pretty much just became a homebody. Then we found out that we were getting our son. Even though, in my opinion, adoption doesn't cure IF (I still grieve sometimes over the fact that I will never be pregnant) he sure has brought a joy in my life that is amazing. But honestly, there are still times when I get jealous--especially when that someone's pregnant who severely doesn't deserve to be. You know the ones. I hate that IF has made me so judgemental. I just hate IF. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteICLW#18
Oh I know those feelings so well, and you're right it doesn't feel good to feel jealous of others. It's so hard to not have those feelings when struggling with IF, after all we are human and to want something and try for it so badly all to no avail makes it impossible not to feel frustrated. Thinking of you & sending love, praying that the surgery helps to correct things and allows you to conceive the baby that you so desire.
ReplyDeleteThank you for stopping by my blog (www.infertilitydoula.com). I sincerely hope that the removal of the fibroid will be the magic bullet you've been waiting for. And yes, many people finally have success once the uterus is all cleaned out. I'll be looking out for your good news ;)
ReplyDeleteICLW #31
Add me to the "left out" crowd (in the biology department anyway). It pains me to think that if we were like almost every other couple out there we'd likely by trying for #2 now. I totally get where you are coming from.
ReplyDeleteHopefully the fibriod surgery will be your golden ticket!
ICLW
You have such a touching and beautiful blog. Praying for you and your family!
ReplyDeleteHappy IComLeavWe!
<3MaryAnne
And now you know why I deactivated my Facebook account because I couldn't take all those postings! Kind of like you, though, I'm watching a lot of kids start kindergarten and realizing I should have a kid starting kindergarten, too. Instead I have to watch the neighbor's kid get on the bus instead of mine. It hurts and there's no way around it. At least know that you are not alone in how you feel.
ReplyDeleteSending you a big hug and looking forward to the day I am jealous but happy of your good news! :)
Lily - The Infertile Mind
I hope it's your turn soon. Keep your hopes up.
ReplyDeleteAccroche-toi à ton espoir pour surmonter la jalousie et la tristesse. Continue de penser aux bonnes choses, ça va devenir plus facile. x
I was sort of thinking about this earlier today. How I'm being lapped. People's children are turning 1 and they are all talking about their 2nd child. Meanwhile I'm still waiting on having a baby...
ReplyDeleteStinks.
ICLW
These reminders can be so painful. I can't believe that if we had gotten pregnant right away we'd probably be working on our second now or even be pregnant with our second. And, yet, we wait.
ReplyDeleteStay hopeful and i hope you'll get there soon!
ICLW
I know these feelings all too well. I really hope this is your time!
ReplyDelete