The last two resulted in BFNs with K and we just can't understand why. Why is it that our son worked on the very first try with our first surrogate and then we had two miscarriages/biochemicals with surrogate #2 and two BFNs with surrogate #3?
And the thing that is the most painful for me right now that only my husband and I shared because we wanted it to be special... is that those were ALL girls.
My dream of having a biological girl isn't going to come true.
And that's super hard to sit with.
Especially when I thought that for sure it would work after D was born and we learned we had FOUR girl embryos - AND that they were the highest quality embryos.
WHY??????
I even went so far as to think up a ludicrous dream - that I'd get my 3 kids that I'd been dreaming of since I was 19, since I realized I loved the dynamics of my best friend's family and my college roommate's family that had three.
I thought, maybe, just maybe, the embryo will split and then we'd have healthy twin girls and then the names we'd picked out, named after our grandmothers and that are so, so meaningful to us, well, we wouldn't have to choose. It would be perfect.
Leela Lucille
Adrienne Frances
Man, it hurts to even write that out. We kept calling "her" LLB (B is my husband's last name). And now LLB won't be. :(
I'm sad and I'm angry.
And I want to do something with those names but I'm not sure what. Maybe paint their names (or initials) on flat rocks and put them in our garden, or bury them in our yard, or put them in our nearby creek... or make wall hangings with their names to commemorate them somehow, I don't know. (And maybe I need to move past this immediate pain before I can figure that out, or maybe doing something will help me move through that pain...).
As soon as the third day of home tests were negative, I knew I just needed to cry. And I know my mom just can't be there for me in that way. She means well but I get a lot of platitudes from her, from most people, which is why I often can't share bad news with most people until a few days later because I don't want to hear that stuff. It's too hard. It invalidates my feelings.
Of course I know how lucky I am to have D and of course I'm hoping the next one will work and of course I know there are other ways to have babies and I know gender doesn't/shouldn't matter and I know EVERYTHING else is going well in my life right now. And I don't take ANY of it for granted. But PLEASE can I just have this one feeling? This ONE feeling of extreme disappointment of a dream not coming true??? We had 2 boys and 4 girls - surely ONE of those girls was going to work????
So I texted my best friend and I told her I needed time with her that day to just cry on her shoulder. I needed her to be my mom. And she showed up. She showed up in a big way. I came home early from work, we went up to my room. She sat on my bed. I laid in her lap and just bawled it out. I told her about the girls. And about all my hurt and disappointment. She stroked my hair, she listened, she repeated what I was saying, was empathetic and prayed with and for me. It was beautiful and exactly what I needed. I hadn't balled that much in a really long time. That deep, deep, uncontrollable despairing, ugly bawl.
I felt a big relief after that and then the next day at therapy, she picked up on my anger which I didn't realize was in there. So that was helpful too.
And then Sat night when my husband and I could steal an hour, I cried and cried in his arms too.
It just sucks. It sucks so badly.
And here's the stupid picture that we have gotten countless times that I'm so dubious of. "Good luck with the cycle!" they say enthusiastically. Yeah, do you have any idea how many times this hasn't worked for us??? SO MANY. TOO MANY.
I swear I've kept thinking that maybe the universe just didn't want me to be a girl mom. That I wasn't capable. That I'd repeat mom/daughter cycles. That it would be sparing me that other down the line pain.
And I'd consoled myself earlier on that if this didn't work and the boy did, well, at least I could revisit all of D's cute clothes that I've stored away. And yes, of course, that would be great. But it's also not consoling me right now. It will... IF we are lucky enough to have the next cycle work, but right now it's not.
And speaking of the next cycle, that's part of what is so hard with this... after two failed cycles, how do you even get hopeful about a third?? How do you not think maybe we won't be able to have a biological sibling for our child after all?
And then if I still feel this tugging away at me, how do I convince my husband to move to adoption when we are in debt, major debt with what will be 5 tries with 2 surrogates for D's sibling???
I really wanted that girl...
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