Last Embryo Transfer Next Week

This is it.

Our last embryo... the transfer is one week from today.

It's been a whirlwind of complicated feelings, a lot of processing the 'what if' and a lot of thinking through what's next if it doesn't work.

I had a big cry Monday night after seeing my psychiatrist and I see my psychologist tomorrow. Scheduled that one on purpose. I knew a week out I'd likely be super anxious.

I just really can't believe that we are here.

Three years ago, no FOUR years ago, I produced 6 viable embryos. And then D happened. And thank goodness. I don't think I would've been able to make it this far if he hadn't worked early on. And I thank God that it worked on the first try to spare me anymore (in)suffrable pain.

And I kept wondering what I'd ever do with leftover embryos. How hard that would be...

I feel like the universe is either doing me a favor by not letting me experience that or it's a cruel joke.

I just never thought that after it worked so well with D that it wouldn't work so quickly again the next time or two we tried. I thought we had cracked the nut on the 10 years of why it wasn't working with me.

And to think that N had two miscarriages and that K had two negative results so far... it just doesn't seem possible with D right next to us, happy and healthy.

So, this is it. In less than 3 weeks we'll know whether D will have a biological sibling or not.

And if it's not, then we'll need to figure out what's next. And I've been all over the place on it:

• Adoption - at first I was all gung-ho on this. I needed a Plan B (or is it Plan E? F? G?) and it made me feel better to think about keeping on going. To feel hopeful about something else.
• Donor Egg - then I thought, well, if I could be open to adoption, why couldn't I be open to donor egg (something that I was adamantly against a few years ago, so much so that we moved to surrogacy). But suddenly I was open to it and even got access to the donor bank on our clinic's website and started imagining this becoming a reality for us. 
• Family of 3 - and then I thought, I don't know if I have the energy to continue on with this and maybe there is some relief in sight with just being done and being happy for what we have, which is a lot.

I also think that if this next one doesn't work, it will feel like such a blow, such a crushing ending to my dreams that I will need some time and space to process and grieve it before deciding anything else.

So while I'm sitting with option #3 right now, as much as I want a sibling for D for him to have now, growing up, and for him to not be alone later on, and for us to experience having more than one child in our family, I also recognize that raising a child/children is a lot of work and that being able to fill our own cups takes time and putting energy into our marriage also takes time and that adding to our family will make all of that all the more challenging (and something we've known and would be ok with) but that putting an end to all of this, which has been 12 years now, feels like it could be the best decision. Relief in sight feels right at the moment.

Of course we are keeping everything crossed, praying and putting the most positive vibes out there. There is nothing I want more than for this to work. And hopefully it will. And if it doesn't, I need to know that I can peacefully move on and focus on being happy without balancing happiness and hope anymore. It's been exhausting. It's been 'worth it' and I'd also like to just be at peace.