Dear A

Dear A,

I guess we hadn't settled on your name but I think I knew this is what I wanted it to be. Named after our grandmothers but the boy version. We were going to be a family of A, B, C, D. How cool is that.

I couldn't wait to hold you in August. I've pictured it so many times. I couldn't believe that you were going to get to be D's brother. I was hoping so much that even though you'd be 3 years apart, you'd grow to be close. I really wanted you two to have each other later in life. You know your daddy and I aren't young!

Why couldn't you be healthy? Why couldn't you make it? I just don't understand.

Your autopsy report came back stating that your abdominal wall wasn't forming properly. Why? Why wasn't it?

How did we have this kind of bad luck?

You know it took 10 years to have your brother and then he worked right away with a surrogate, and then we tried 4 other times and it didn't work. And then you, you made it, you made it to a positive test, you made it to a heartbeat, you made it through genetic testing and into the second trimester.

I wasn't even expecting to see you the day we learned you didn't make it but Aunty K had an appt that I hadn't written down and she texted to see if I wanted to video in.

She knew the nurse and the nurse let me see you on the screen, your little head looked so cute. Man, I had been so guarded that first trimester... I had been guarded going into that last cycle. But here we were in the second trimester, on the other side and I was seeing your face, all my dreams were coming true. I had just told everyone at work the day before.

And I didn't even think anything of it when your heartbeat wasn't coming through on the monitor. The nurse made it seem like a technical difficulty and got a different machine out and that's when I saw your face. And I didn't know what was happening other than she was sending Aunty K to another room, I thought to get better images of you... for fun.

That's when I texted your dad a pic of your face and he said I didn't even know there was an appt today. And he said all good? and I gave a thumbs up.

Turns out it wasn't for fun. It was because there was a problem.

When she went to that other room, that's when they said, C, we're so sorry but there isn't a heartbeat. This is where it should be..... and then I didn't really hear much more.

I was in total shock. How was this possible? Was it a mistake? What?????

They already scheduled a D&C for K on that Friday. This was on a Tues. Tues, Feb 18. The day after President's Day. The day after I told my whole company that we were expecting another baby in August.

How is this happening!!!!

I called your dad and told him while I was crying and felt like I may have hyperventilated. I quickly got my stuff out of the office and went down the stairwell and cried some more. But it also just didn't seem real.

Even though I took almost a week off and did all kinds of self care, I still couldn't believe it.

K miscarried the night before her D&C. She said you fell on the bathroom floor and that she could fit you in the palm of her hand.

Oh, little A, why couldn't you make it?

I was going to be so curious as to what you looked like. Were you and Daniel going to look similar? Would you have different features... I pictured you both at the same elementary school together. I really couldn't wait to have you wear some of my fave baby clothes of D's.

How were you not able to make it to us? What are we supposed to learn from this? Why? Why? Why?

You would've loved your brother. He's so fun and funny. He giggles a lot. He loves music and loves to dance. He loooooooves books. And cars. And diggers. He loves being outside. He loves dogs and cats. He's friendly to people, especially bus drivers. He loves to cuddle with me in bed in the mornings.

How would you have been the same? What were you going to be like?

Oh, why can't we still get to meet you in August? I want that chance so badly. I really, really wanted to hold you and see you grow up. And see you and D interact.

I miss you so much. I miss what you could've been. I miss that I never got to be your mom outside K's womb.

And I'm mad. I'm mad that we went through all this work so have you vanish just like that.

It hurts so much. And I also have such a hard time letting it out. Maybe because our lives are so amazing and I am so grateful for what I have, and my guard wasn't down for too long and we've been through so much hurt with building our family that this feels familiar to me.

Yet, it's different because you had a heartbeat and you had a face and I had named you and you were going to be D's brother, and you were going to make all my dreams come true, and you would've been part of our amazing lives. And now you won't get to. And I'm sad about it. I wanted that chance and I won't get it.

It's my birthday today so I wanted to let you know how badly I wanted you, how much I already loved you and would've loved you, how sad I am that I won't get to see you or hold you and that I'll always wish you could've made it.

lots of love,
Maman
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Dear D

My dear little D,

You're 2, will be 3 this summer, and do you know we've been working to bring you a sibling since before you were even born?

We had 5 frozen embryos waiting to be your sibling and I knew how much time it would take that in April, I called our doctor and got an appt that May to talk about getting started again. He suggested we wait 6 months after you were born because adjusting to a new baby can be stressful and he recommended not adding surrogacy stress on top of it.

In August, I went away with Aunty N and Aunty P for Aunty P's girls weekend away before her wedding. During that weekend one of Aunty P's friends asked if we were going to do surrogacy again and we said we were going to contact the agency soon to get started again. That's when Aunty N said 'you know I'd do this for you guys'... and then started the year long journey with Aunty N who had two early miscarriages at 5 1/2 weeks each time.

We had lost 2 girls then. And we were sad.

And we also knew we had 3 more left and Aunty K stepped forward and said she wanted to carry a baby for us. Wow. So we started that year long journey with her. The next two were negative results and they were both the girl ones.

I was devastated. I guess I had always thought I'd have a girl. Knowing we had 4 girl embryos, the odds were in favor after you had worked right away. So I had pictured a girl for about 2 years... and we had the perfect names picked out for a girl after our grandmothers. But it wasn't meant to be. I had to do a lot of grieving after that second cycle with Aunty K.

And I did a lot of pre-grieving too. With 4 in a row not working I thought the chances are pretty low the last one will work. And we'll be happy being a family of 3.

But Aunty K was pregnant, and then they told us the numbers weren't rising appropriately (they were doubling but they wanted it higher than that). Then on Dec 23, I was dumfounded when we saw the heartbeat! And for the next month we were on pins and needles waiting for the genetic testing results to come back.

So finally at the beginning of Feb we were in the clear, into the second trimester, genetic testing behind us, we were feeling so great about your baby brother coming in August. You were going to be 3 years apart. And while we hadn't fully finalized a name, I had one picked out. He was going to be A, so we'd be ABCD altogether.

I kept thinking about what it would be like to hold him, and whether you'd be happy and jealous at the same time, and knowing I'd want to make separate special time for you. I was eager to have a baby again and not be as stressed about it as when I had you and had no idea what I was doing and felt badly when I couldn't calm you down.

I kept thinking that all my dreams were coming true. And I really meant it. I got over that I couldn't carry. You were in our lives and you were/are amazing. And I got over that I wasn't having a girl and I was thrilled to have another boy and looked forward to using all your old clothes on him again, and eager to see what it would be like to have two boys who would be brothers.

And then two weeks later, after I had announced it at work, I just happened to be available for an appt Aunty K was having and I didn't even think anything of it when they couldn't find the heartbeat and went to get another machine. I was so caught off guard when they made Aunty K go to another room with even bigger equipment and said, C, we're so sorry but there isn't a heartbeat.

I was in shock for probably a couple of weeks, even though I took time off for myself.

I couldn't believe this was coming to an end. That at 14.5 weeks of a pregnancy when I had just seen his face on the screen, he wasn't going to come into our lives. You wouldn't have him as a brother.

D, I want you to know that we really didn't want you to be an only child. That we wanted you to grow up with a sibling, to have that companionship both in your youth and into your adulthood. And we know there were no guarantees of what kind of relationship you might have but we wanted to do whatever we could to try, to try for you to have that.

And I know we still could. We could look into adoption or other ways. But we don't know that we have the emotional energy to keep going. We spent 10 years trying to have you, and I froze those embryos when I was almost 41. Today, I'm 45 and I just don't know that we can bring you a sibling in another way.

We love you so much and wish we could've done this for you.

We hope that you grow close to your cousins, to M and S who are closer in age to you, and to D and T, who are older. We hope you grow close to other family friends we have, C and N. And that you and A who have been best buddies since you were 2 months old continue to be good friends. And you'll make other friends that I hope can be there for you the way a sibling can.

Grandmaman was an only child and she said she always wished she had a sibling and that always stayed with me.

I really started our journey wanting 3 kids actually and when it was starting to look like having 1 was going to be challenging, I brought my expectations down to 2, and it turns out it's 1 for now. You. And you are more than we could've ever expected to have. You've made me a mom and you've made our dreams come true and you bring us so much joy. You are so fun and sweet and observant.

We love you so much
xoxo

Grief Stuck Inside

I've got all this grief I need to get out and it feels like it's hard for it to come out. Not sure why. Might be the anti-depressants make it hard to access my extreme feelings. Might be that I'm busy with a toddler or work. Might be that I back away from it if I get too close to it.

Turns out K didn't need the D&C that day a month ago. She miscarried in the bathroom and went for 3 check-ups afterwards, and then she still needed a D&C this past Monday. So for a month it was still ongoing for her, and for me.

I had online therapy on Friday to help get it out and that definitely helped. I cried within the first two mins and then kept crying for the whole time. She asked at the end what would I be afraid of if I got too close to the grief?

I don't know. That I'd break down. But I know I need to in order to move forward.

She suggested I write a letter to D about it since I'm sad he won't have a sibling, at least this way. And that's the other hard part too, is I don't know if we're done yet. I think we are but I can't say 100%.

And she also suggested I write a letter to my baby. My baby that didn't make it.

So here it goes...