Dear A

Dear A,

I guess we hadn't settled on your name but I think I knew this is what I wanted it to be. Named after our grandmothers but the boy version. We were going to be a family of A, B, C, D. How cool is that.

I couldn't wait to hold you in August. I've pictured it so many times. I couldn't believe that you were going to get to be D's brother. I was hoping so much that even though you'd be 3 years apart, you'd grow to be close. I really wanted you two to have each other later in life. You know your daddy and I aren't young!

Why couldn't you be healthy? Why couldn't you make it? I just don't understand.

Your autopsy report came back stating that your abdominal wall wasn't forming properly. Why? Why wasn't it?

How did we have this kind of bad luck?

You know it took 10 years to have your brother and then he worked right away with a surrogate, and then we tried 4 other times and it didn't work. And then you, you made it, you made it to a positive test, you made it to a heartbeat, you made it through genetic testing and into the second trimester.

I wasn't even expecting to see you the day we learned you didn't make it but Aunty K had an appt that I hadn't written down and she texted to see if I wanted to video in.

She knew the nurse and the nurse let me see you on the screen, your little head looked so cute. Man, I had been so guarded that first trimester... I had been guarded going into that last cycle. But here we were in the second trimester, on the other side and I was seeing your face, all my dreams were coming true. I had just told everyone at work the day before.

And I didn't even think anything of it when your heartbeat wasn't coming through on the monitor. The nurse made it seem like a technical difficulty and got a different machine out and that's when I saw your face. And I didn't know what was happening other than she was sending Aunty K to another room, I thought to get better images of you... for fun.

That's when I texted your dad a pic of your face and he said I didn't even know there was an appt today. And he said all good? and I gave a thumbs up.

Turns out it wasn't for fun. It was because there was a problem.

When she went to that other room, that's when they said, C, we're so sorry but there isn't a heartbeat. This is where it should be..... and then I didn't really hear much more.

I was in total shock. How was this possible? Was it a mistake? What?????

They already scheduled a D&C for K on that Friday. This was on a Tues. Tues, Feb 18. The day after President's Day. The day after I told my whole company that we were expecting another baby in August.

How is this happening!!!!

I called your dad and told him while I was crying and felt like I may have hyperventilated. I quickly got my stuff out of the office and went down the stairwell and cried some more. But it also just didn't seem real.

Even though I took almost a week off and did all kinds of self care, I still couldn't believe it.

K miscarried the night before her D&C. She said you fell on the bathroom floor and that she could fit you in the palm of her hand.

Oh, little A, why couldn't you make it?

I was going to be so curious as to what you looked like. Were you and Daniel going to look similar? Would you have different features... I pictured you both at the same elementary school together. I really couldn't wait to have you wear some of my fave baby clothes of D's.

How were you not able to make it to us? What are we supposed to learn from this? Why? Why? Why?

You would've loved your brother. He's so fun and funny. He giggles a lot. He loves music and loves to dance. He loooooooves books. And cars. And diggers. He loves being outside. He loves dogs and cats. He's friendly to people, especially bus drivers. He loves to cuddle with me in bed in the mornings.

How would you have been the same? What were you going to be like?

Oh, why can't we still get to meet you in August? I want that chance so badly. I really, really wanted to hold you and see you grow up. And see you and D interact.

I miss you so much. I miss what you could've been. I miss that I never got to be your mom outside K's womb.

And I'm mad. I'm mad that we went through all this work so have you vanish just like that.

It hurts so much. And I also have such a hard time letting it out. Maybe because our lives are so amazing and I am so grateful for what I have, and my guard wasn't down for too long and we've been through so much hurt with building our family that this feels familiar to me.

Yet, it's different because you had a heartbeat and you had a face and I had named you and you were going to be D's brother, and you were going to make all my dreams come true, and you would've been part of our amazing lives. And now you won't get to. And I'm sad about it. I wanted that chance and I won't get it.

It's my birthday today so I wanted to let you know how badly I wanted you, how much I already loved you and would've loved you, how sad I am that I won't get to see you or hold you and that I'll always wish you could've made it.

lots of love,
Maman
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo