Feeling Blah

 Trying to get over this loss has really left me feeling blah. I can't believe I'm dealing with depression and anxiety again. My therapist actually doesn't think I'm depressed - we did an inventory and it doesn't seem so but it sure feels like depression. She says it's grief. Whatever it is, I don't like it.

Two weeks ago, I called my psychiatrist to get back on meds. I thought starting at a small dosage would be good but after a week I didn't feel anything different, then we upped it a bit more and still nothing. I'm hoping I can up it again this week and feel better and if not, maybe upping it even more.

I've heard that many people have had to increase their meds during co.vid so it wouldn't surprise me if I had to. I just feel like I'm dealing with a whole lot more than "just grief".

Work isn't going great. I haven't loved Mondays in awhile... and in fact, I'm writing this at 9am on a Monday because I don't feel like diving into work. It's been hard for two reasons: 1) I think my performance has suffered as a result of all these grief feelings and 2) I feel like I'm being unfairly scrutinized by top leadership for the diversity practices I want to put in place which has led me to think more about whether this is really a place for me long-term or whether it's better I stay and try to make incremental progress. I just don't know if it'll ever get better between me and the leader of my company so I'm not quite sure what to do other than I know not do to anything now while I'm not feeling quite myself. 

I had an interview a couple of weeks ago for a position more senior to what I am now and I don't think it went well. I don't think I had that experience or the leader and I didn't jibe or I wasn't feeling super confident. There's part of me that feels like maybe it's better I hang up my hat on being a leader and go be number 2 somewhere else where it may be less stressful... who knows. I'll decide when my meds have me in a better place.

B has also been working A TON and not very present and having me feel like I'm doing more solo parenting and also making me feel like I can't really plan travel which I love and need to do. 

So I just did another trip with D solo to a state park which was really fun and I want to take advantage of Labor Day weekend but B won't commit just yet so I'm half tempted to just book the place and if he comes great and if not, D and I will go alone again which isn't really what I want. I want to take him tubing and think it'll be better with all of us. 

I just mostly want my energy and pep back. I'm sick of feeling this way and not myself. 

I also wonder if "turning the page on the calendar" tomorrow and not having it be August anymore will help. This was a tough month that's for sure.

Due Date Processing & This is Us

 Friday was so, so hard. Or at least it started that way.

I woke up crying into my pillow. It just sucked to have to face what that day was.

I then saw a beautiful text from K that I haven't been able to fully process till now. I just re-read it. I then got a text from my best friend, J. And both of those just made me loose it. I couldn't stop crying. 

I couldn't muster energy to exercise. Grief. It's strong. Couldn't exercise Thursday either.

I just kept crying in the car too. It just sucks. To think that that was the day I was supposed to get to meet and hold my baby... and instead my baby didn't get to grow, didn't get to make it, didn't get to be a part of our lives. 

And not just that baby, but the 5 total tries since D was born. That we had 5 embryos and we thought for sure, the next 1-2 would work... and the fact that we had to endure two early losses with my cousin, N. And then two failed attempts with K, (and for me to process that those 4 were girl embryos and that I'd been preparing that whole time that D would have a sister and that we'd get to use our perfect girl name(s). And then to then have that last one, the little boy, make us guess when the numbers weren't rising properly (was that a sign? no, they told us it wasn't), and to be so relieved that there was a heartbeat when we thought there was a good chance there wouldn't be, and to make it all the way to 14.5 weeks to have a defect. How does all of that happen to us???

I had painted some rocks with little A's name plus the two girl names... and then almost forgot them, we were a block away and came home to get them. Thank goodness. 

I wanted to release them pretty soon after we got in the water just to be able to move on. So we took them out and B said some nice things like 'we had so much love in our hearts for you to come into our lives' and then released them.

And it was cathartic. 

Our float/tubing was much quicker than we anticipated (an hour and a half, it had been raining a lot that week so the water was flowing more quickly than normal), so we decided to do it again. And so glad we did. It was almost like the first float was about processing the baby and the 'what could've beens' and the second float felt much lighter. Almost like a date. (We realized we hadn't spent time like that in awhile, just concerted time just the two of us).

We had gone to a store nearby beforehand to get lunch stuff. It was actually a store that was close to where D and I had recently gone to a goat farm and there were these nice decorative rocks there and I decided to get one. It felt like releasing the other rocks and then picking a rock as a 'move forward' rock felt right.

The saying feels a bit trite right now because of the show but it also feels right. 

I want to focus on my blessings. I want this other stuff behind us. 

So this is laying in our backyard right now and feels good.💗

You Are Loved

 Dear Little A,

I should be preparing to hold you today. Today's your due date and who knows when you might have chosen to come or if we would've had to induce you but I'm choosing to think you would've come today, on your due date.  That I would've been anticipating all day and hoping all would've been going well with your delivery and then welcoming you into my arms, getting to hold and coddle you, and love you. Finally. 

You would've gotten to become D's brother this day. And he would've loved you so much. (He loves babies). (I'm sure he would've been jealous, at least at first, but you would've loved you).

I'm really sad today. I'm sad I don't get to meet you. I'm sad that we worked so hard for you to come to our lives, into life, into our family, and it didn't work out. I'm sad I don't get to hold you. I'm sad I don't get to be your mommy.

I would do anything to have all of that come true. To have our dreams come true today.

I don't know why this happened or why it had to happen. I don't even really believe in reasons. I think it was completely random. That we got into the 2nd trimester and something still went wrong, that your abdominal wall wasn't forming properly and your heart stopped beating. 

That was an awful day for me. I was so naive that I didn't even really think that that was a possibility. I thought they were just having trouble with the machine. 

It's weird to think I was even feeling guilt over having you work out, that after 5 attempts, you had finally worked and I was going to get my two kids, that you'd be one of them. I was feeling like why do I get to have my dreams come true? 

And the thing is I need to be sad today. I need to let it out and grieve your loss. 

And then I want to move on. My dreams have largely come true. I've gotten to be a mom to D, your dad is an amazing husband and dad, we have such a great life together and you will always be in my heart. But I also can't keep carrying this. Life is for the living. And yes, I'm sad about you. Extremely sad. But I can't keep being sad. There is too much in life to be happy about and I want to be a happy person. I know that in order to do that I need to make space to be sad about you, and I am, and have been. I have a necklace to honor you. I have a rock painted with your name on it (and the sisters that never came into our lives either) and ready to do something with your dad today where we can talk about what today might've been like, what you might've been like, what having another boy in our family would've been like, how you and D would've been together.

Ah, I miss you so much already. It's so not fair that you couldn't be here today. It's so not fair. I wish I could've held you. I really do. You mean so, so much to me. You are so incredibly loved. You'll be in my heart always.