On Taming the Jealousy & Feeling Alone

I'm not proud of being jealous, but I am. I have a hard time (still) dealing with others' pregnancies and everything-baby related. Especially when there is little attention on me and my problems.

I'm hurting - not as badly as before but I'm still hurting. And I need consolation. I need attention. I need empathy.

Infertility and miscarriages, though, create an isolated reaction from others. It's hard for people to know what to do, so they do nothing. Which makes me feel alone and ignored. And I'm sick of telling people that I need support.

With our last miscarriage, my sister-in-law who is pregnant, told my brother-in-law who told my husband that if I wanted to talk, I should call her.

Ok....

In the meantime, I've had to hide her fb postings because I can't watch her weekly "belly watch" photos and nursery pics and new car for the baby.

My niece is coming early Oct and I'll need to figure out a way to deal with it.

It's fascinating to me, that as long as people acknowledge my pain, I can be happy for whatever is happy with them - mostly dealing with baby stuff. But when no one acknowledges my pain, I don't feel like putting energy into their happiness.

You always think that people are going to be there for you when you go through a hard time. Well, it's been an interesting experience that people seem to disappear when you most need them. Or ignore you and only deal with all the happy stuff.

In other news, I have a consultation with another RE after Labor Day and this Friday we're heading to the beach for 10 days of relaxation!

I'm sorry I haven't been as active as a blogger and commenter as before but I'm still out here, trying to figure out how to not feel alone from people who claim to care and how to not be jealous. Hopefully vacation and a new doc may help!

Miscarriage #4

I guess it's 'technically' not a miscarriage but the end to a chemical pregnancy. I just can't seem to make it past week 5 1/2...

It's been an interesting experience this go-around. I was elated in week 3 to be feeling symptoms - my sense of smell was crazy, sore boobs, tired... I was actually happy again. I couldn't believe it. With all my recent depression, to be happy again was such a foreign feeling that I just basked in it.

And then within 5 days, not feeling it anymore, so I knew something wasn't right. But still my period wasn't coming. I tested at home and negative result. Two days go by and I test again and just a faint second line showed up, so I knew something really wasn't right... but I also knew that I was kinda pregnant and that felt good.

I went to my RE and got confirmation that I was pregnant, but with a 75 beta result, so not great. Two days later, I start spotting and got my beta back that was down to 20, so no 'real' pregnancy.

But, I'll tell you this - I was happy to be pregnant and happy that it happened again so quickly after really trying. You see, I had fibroid surgery last summer. We tried in the fall and got pregnant on the 2nd try and then lost it at 5 1/2 weeks. All winter and spring, I couldn't try again - I just didn't want the hopefulness and disappointment. But this summer, I said, let's give this another shot and it happened again, on the 2nd try.

So now I need to figure out why I keep miscarrying at 5 1/2 weeks. Or rather, why I can't keep a pregnancy. The two we had prior to my surgery were via IUI and I really want to be determined to not have to do IVF... but I think we may be on that road because I realized I really do want this, at least I want to try for us to have kids.

It feels good to have a plan. AND most importantly, I'm not feeling as depressed as I was this past winter/spring/summer. I filled a prescription for anti-depressants but haven't started taking them. In fact, as soon as I filled it, I didn't think I needed them anymore. Maybe just having them there as my secruity blanket was enough. I hope. It's been a rough ride and I don't want to go back into that hole.

I've got a plan and I've got my mental health back (for now)... and that feels good for now.

Stuck

I was going to title this: All Over the Place including Spain & Savannah but what I really feel is stuck.

I feel stuck in this state of continuous sadness.

We had an AMAZING time in Spain and then I came back and had a GREAT time with friends in Savannah. And yet. And yet.

It all settles back into sadness.

What is my problem? I have so much to be grateful for. I really have EVERYTHING but a child. EVERYTHING but control over my fertility.

It's been worse recently because I'm not able to exercise the way I normally do. Something's happened to my knee. Can't run and don't walk far. Don't bike to work anymore. And haven't done yoga. I've swam a bit. I'll figure that out but I know it's contributing to my extra sadness.

I'm hoping that by doing acupuncture for my knee and for fertility, it will help my mental state. If it doesn't by a month from now, I'm going to look into anti-depressants.

And I think I need to commit to IVF. It scares me. It scares me a lot. I don't know that I could go through a 4th miscarriage after having gone through ALL OF THAT. But I also know I can't stay in this state of sadness with less than a 5% chance of getting pregnant & staying pregnant on our own.

I just want to ME again!!!

Depression

I think I'm really bordering on depression. No matter what I seem to do, I feel lulled into sadness. And I'm seeing a lot of the signs: takes a lot of effort to make plans, haven't been going to church, don't enjoy socializing as much.

I'm wondering if I need anti-depressants. But how to reconcile that with actively trying to get pregnant? I talked to my fertility doctor about it and he actually said that it's better to treat depression even while pregnant than not. It still seems scary to me.

And... am I really at that point? Though I've kept asking myself that for months and months now.

Telling signs this past week: went to a baseball game with my husband and as soon as we got there I couldn't wait to leave because it felt like such an energy drain for me and we're going to Spain on Friday (Spain!!) and I'm not excited.

Or am I not giving myself enough of a break with my signs above: it was hot at the baseball game and I needed rest, so no wonder I didn't want to be there, and with Spain, we're mostly going to be with my husband's friends so is that a normal-ish reason to not be excited?

I just know that I'm not me. And haven't been for a long time. All due to infertility.

But then yesterday, I saw two old friends - one for lunch and one for dinner and really enjoyed seeing them (even though I talked about my recent emotional struggles with infertility... or maybe it was because I was able to talk about it).

But, bottom line is, will a pregnancy make me not depressed anymore? I think so... but who knows. If it's taken me this long to get this down, would being pregnant really make me feel better? Or have I been so anxious that I would just continue to be anxious during pregnancy?

And... the magic question is: even if wedid IVF this summer, there's no telling that it will work or how long it would take.

So, do I go for the drugs??

Blocked Tube News & Vaca Coming Up

Wow, I haven't written in awhile. I'm not quite sure why.

Work has definitely had an uptick in hecticness! But I'm also wondering if I have as much a need for this blog. It may also be because I'm in limbo right now...

BUT the big news from last week was that as part of pre-IVF testing that I'm doing (in case we move to that as a next step), we found one of my tubes is blocked. This was news to me - I had an HSG done 2 years ago and I was all clear. I'm having a follow up consult with my doc this coming week to discuss.

I was actually really upset, crying on the table when they were showing me that it was blocked. What a blow! But I had also told myself going into all this testing to keep the long-term view on this. I didn't want to go back to getting knee-deep into every day details that would constantly alter my mood.

So, I allowed myself one afternoon of being upset and then I went back to big picture. A little easier said than done, but I think I did it (probably helps that work is so busy right now!).

I also decided to talk to my mom about it, knowing I was risking upsetting myself even more since she typically hasn't been able to support me the way that I need for her to. But - she came through and that made a TON of difference! So, maybe getting the emotional support means so much more to me than the physical challenges...

And I'm trying to keep my mind on our upcoming vacation - next Friday we leave for Spain!!! :)

Sadness Dissipating

I think I'm getting over my last miscarriage from Thanksgiving. I can see a clearing ahead of me. And it is starting to feel less and less of a struggle to keep it together everyday.

I've been keeping a gratitude journal. It's been a week. At first I didn't think I'd have much to say in it but from the first day, I have been able to write down 5-6 things a day. I am trying to focus on the positive and relish in small pleasures each day. And I think it's working!

I also mentioned The Happi.ness Project book that I think is making a difference.

And I've been reading the book When Bad Thi.ngs Hap.pen to Go.od Peo.ple.

(And just for fun, I just finished two good fiction books back to back - one was Cutt.ing for St.one & the other was The He.lp- I highly recommend them!)

I'm also taking next steps ahead - scheduling another HSG, blood work, pap - all things 2 of my docs would want me to do before starting the IVF process. I think it feels good to be moving toward something.

I'm still hopeful we can conceive on our own (we were able to quickly after my fibroid surgery last fall) BUT I also don't want this to go on indefinitely, so I'm getting everything together to do IVF if we need it. I'm not sure what the IVF timeline is but I'm thinking maybe August. We'll see.

I'm just glad to finally not feel like I'm at rock bottom anymore. That I'm coming out of it, slowly but hopefully surely.

A Need to Move Forward & Weekend Trip

I just went through a mini-two week wait of trying on our own. I knew slim chances of it working so it's no surprise my period is coming today but it's making me realize that I need A PLAN!

I need to move forward. And that needs to include my plan.

We had talked about trying on our own for the next few months while we wait to go on our trip to Spain (yay!) at the end of June, and in the meantime, take all the tests we need to take in order to be ready for next steps on IVF.

On IVF, I'm leaning toward trying this nat.ural cy.cle IVF even though my husband feels more comfortable with the doc we've been seeing and would rather us to the traditional route. So, we still need to figure that piece out. And I guess depending on our timing, we may look to do a cycle this summer. Yikes!

IVF really scares me. I know many, many have done it and I shouldn't be whiny about it but it all just scares me. BUT staying stagnant on this whole thing also isn't good for us.

And, I think as much as I've been contemplating being childless, I'm not sure I'm ready to plunge into that just yet. Having my nephew in church with us on Easter really re-ignited my desire to keep trying.

So, that's my plan. And I need to start working on it!

And this weekend: a fun trip to FL to visit my cousin - girl time! Yay!