Sunday, September 12, 2010

Why More Downs Than Ups Right Now?

I had a hard week. I couldn't get out of my funk of 'why not me?'. After hearing of our infertile friends this week who are now pregnant and not being able to figure out why I have these mixed feelings on it has just got me down. I am happy for them, but I'm also sad for us. But, why can't I just be happy for them and leave it at that? It doesn't always have to be about me...

And my best friend's growing tummy with #2, when we originally started trying to conceive around the same time, just keeps hitting hard to me that I'm almost at our 3 year infertile milestone. And it really hurts. And I've been anti-social in general as a result.

I went to church today because we had a big event and I felt I needed to be there for it. And I'm glad I had that excuse to go because I don't know that I would have wanted to muster the energy to go otherwise.

But as I sat there during service, looking over at my friend's growing baby in her body and our infertile friends who are now pregnant, I got the sadness for us again. Tears welled up and I just thought - here we go again. This is why I don't like coming to church when I feel like this. I see all kinds of families around me and I feel extra vulnerable and I just don't feel like crying on Sundays.

It's been a rough week and even though my fibroid surgery is supposed to bring me renewed hope, I'm having a hard time feeling it right now. I hope I can feel the hope again soon because this isn't fun...


  1. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I totally get it. I am happy for others (especially those who struggled through IF or RPL) but it is hard to see past my own stuff. There is something about those milestones that totally sucks, we recently passed the three yr mark ourselves. I understand what you mean about your church. I elected to not go to temple for the exact reasons you mentioned. hang in there, we are here for you.

  2. So sorry you're having a rough time and sorry to say I can really relate to this post. I had the hardest time last Sunday in church and as a result didn't go today. I've usually been good at holding it together even if I feel sad, but last Sunday I just started crying really hard, I couldn't help it the sadness was just too much. Its so hard to see others go on when you're still struggling which makes it understandable that you're feeling sad, it's hard to know that even though you're trying just as hard to have a baby it's still not happening. Thinking of you & sending prayers that this surgery is the starting point to bring you that precious child. Much love my friend.

  3. I get the same way on Sunday. A few weeks ago there was a talk on the importance on motherhood. I cried quietly to myself the whole time. They kept touching on how women are meant to be mothers and all I could think of that if only it was that easy. If only I had a choice to become pregnant right now. It makes me nervous every Sunday now that another topic like that will come up. I find myself getting sad as I look around and see all the growing families and here me and my husband are just the two of us.

    I hope you can start feeling better soon. Infertiltiy is just sucky and unfair.

  4. Church was always the hardest for me too! All the babies, everywhere. And while I was supposed to be encouraged after my surgery, I found myself feeling more depressed - I think I didn't want to let myself hope again. I know hoping is so hard, so even if it's hard for you to feel it at the moment, please know there are so many of us who are hoping & praying for you!

  5. No. No fun at all. I'm so sorry you're having one of these weeks. I don't think being unsocial for a little bit is a bad thing. One of the things I've found about this whole IF thing is that while it is so easy for despair to pop up out of nowhere and smack you in the gut, sometimes, every once in a while, so does hope. I hope hope sneaks up on you soon. xo.

  6. My friend... I felt the same way this past Wednesday at church there was a lady right in front of me who was talking about how she was craving IHOP all the time and how it only took them three months to get pregnant.... lately I cry often... it's so hard... and I've been on this journey to have a baby for wayyy too long... my gut tells me that you'll be pregnant soon... you're not alone sweetie... even though it feels like the you're the only one in the world who isn't a mommy---- you're not alone... we are all right there with you and here to support you.... wish that I could be there as your infertile friend to support you because none of my friends are infertile....let's just continue to hope and pray and support one another in this motherhood journey....

    P.S. I'll be back blogging soon.... really soon:)

  7. Hey Hey,
    I stumbled over your blog today and I just had to tell you I'm enjoying your blog. Your awesome. I became a follower and I'm looking forward to keeping up and leaving comments. I hope you will check out my blog, and become a follower. I have a button, and I'd like to add you to my blog roll. I hope you have a lovely weekend. God Bless You and Yours