Mixed Emotions

I'm still trying to process the news of my brother- and sister-in law's pregnancy that we learned about on Sunday and the way in which they told us.

I think I'm partially mad at myself for getting upset. I'm disappointed that I can't handle it better and just be plain happy for them without getting my emotions tied into it.

Mostly I felt sad and alone because the only 2 people I talked to about it (my husband and best friend) basically told me to "look on the positive side" about it... which I already know and just have a hard time with. I felt like I wasn't being fully heard which can feel isolating and can make me feel like I'm wrong to feel the way I feel and therefore I think to myself I must be crazy for not being able to be normal about this.

My sister-in-law and I had a nice email exchange about it on Monday. I appreciated her saying that she knew their announcement would come with mixed emotions for us and they weren't sure, and still aren't sure, of how to best handle talking about it with us and want to respect our space on it. That made me feel a hundred times better. Awwwww.

My mother-in-law I still don't understand. And I think she hurt me enough to where I don't know if we'll ever get to a point of feeling close, and this certainly put more distance between us. I know she means well, and I should give her credit for that, but the outcome is just hardly ever what is helpful.

I'm glad she could talk gush to B about her excitement. And I'm glad he's unphased. But, I'm not and I can't take it. And I think that's ok. I know their pregnancy is not about me. But I also know the pain I've been in because of infertility and I don't think it's too much to ask to not gush infront of me.

And I also don't understand why she can't reach out to ME about this. She calls him to talk about it. She did it after our miscarriages. She does it now. I'M the one affected, so call me!!!

But this is a difficult thing to navigate and I have to remember that I'm 3 years DEEP into this and no one else is. So everyone else's level of understanding is much lower.

I've been watching Parent.hood lately. And I've appreciated how they've brought aut.ism and As.perger's to light. And it's made me wonder all the more about how I may not be/may not have been as sensitive to certain people on things I don't know much about. And I can't help but think of how I need to give that same perspective on how others deal with me on infertility.

There's always something to work on, I guess!