Friday, March 11, 2011

Needing a Mom

So, my mother-in-law calls me, leaves me a message saying - your birthday is coming up, we're thinking of you... I'm thinking oh, this must be her way of reaching out to me over the awkwardness of them announcing they are going to be grandparents to my brother-in-law's pregnancy.

Our conversation starts out slow - what are you doing this weekend, it's snowing where we are, etc. And then I realize our conversation is potentially going to end and there's the big proverbial elephant... on the phone.

So, I bring it up and say "I know it's been awkward with R & K announcing their news of their pregnancy and I want you to know we are thrilled and excited about it... and at the same time, it can't help but raise sadness with us for what we've gone through."

And she says something like "oh, we understand and appreciate you saying that. We are excited. You know, I've been carrying around the ultrasound pictures with me everywhere I go... and B was sharing with me that you were considering IVF; wouldn't it be great if you and K could be pregnant at the same time?"

Wait - what????

I am NOT considering IVF. We might have been but definitely not anytime soon.

So, no. K and I will not be pregnant at the same time.

In fact, I went on to tell her that I'm really protective of my peaceful state because I'd been depressed for so long having to go through infertility and 3 miscarriages and I just want to focus on the joys that are present in my life right now, rather than continuing to focus on what is not there, and that it doesn't seem worth it to me to risk more depression to get there.

And she continues by telling me that yes, it is worth it. That having a baby is incredibly worth it and for me not to lose hope.

Blood is boiling at this point in the conversation and I just reiterated that I'm really happy right now and maybe we'll re-evaluate after some time, but I just can't be depressed like that again.

Our phone call was terrible. I'm sure she felt awkward and I was just infuriated.

And I fully recognize that grandparents have their own dreams wrapped up in our family-building plans and that I may have been bursting this (crazy) dream she's had of 2 grandkids at the same time. But this has to be about us, not them. They don't get to make this about them after all we've been through.

The most disappointing thing I've had to realize is that both my mother and my mother-in-law just can't be there for me in the ways I wish moms were able to be. And I've had to learn the hard way by trying, and trying, and re-trying. But it just doesn't work with them. This was my last attempt with her.

And it's just disappointing. More than anything right now, I need a mom. I need a mom to be there for me, to listen to me, to love me and support me. But neither of them can do that for me, so I feel like I just don't have a mom right now. And that's made me sad. And makes this heartache of infertility all the more difficult.


  1. Ugh. My heart hurts for you. I think that having a supportive mother through all of this is just as important as a supportive spouse. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of infertility.

  2. I'm so sorry. We do all have an innate need for that mother figure, I guess, though you usually don't realize how deep it is until you are missing one. Who knows--maybe you'll find a mother figure in someone who is not related to you. And if not, just know that we are all able to be whole without one!

  3. I am so very sorry for you. Clearly your MIL has no clue. Hang in there sweetie, we are here for you.
    I am wondering if your husband can talk to her and play mediator for a while.

  4. My SIL married a man who has been "snipped", and thus there will be no children from that quarter unless they do treatments. At the time this comment was made, DH and I had decided not to do treatments anymore. My MIL, in a fit of pique one day, says to my SIL "I'm never going to get to be a grandmother because none of you will have babies". She HAS grandchildren, they just aren't full-blooded. She was, at least, smart enough not to say it near me, although my SIL repeated it to me. What is it about moms and MILs that makes them so insensitive?!

    I'm so very sorry that you have no mommy support figure. I find that I miss my mom more than ever right now (my blog is not safe for those with pg triggers) and while I can talk to my MIL, she really starts getting nosy and intense when I do, which leads me to shut her out again. *hugs* I am glad that you are doing what you need to do for you - because your MIL is wrong. It's not worth putting yourself through mental hell and back to get pregnant if you are then not mentally stable enough to handle the pregnancy. They never think about things like that.

  5. I'm so sorry that you don't have the Mom you need right now. My MIL is much like yours. We have a great relationship, but somehow she just says the wrong thing a lot of the time. I know it's not the same, but I hope the support from friends, other family and even fellow bloggers can help on some level. <3

  6. sorry you are not receiving the support you need right now. :( thinking of you. hold onto the joy and hope you have and don't let her get you down.

  7. I'm so sorry you don't have a mom with you.
    Hang on to your peace of mind. It is so important to feel good.

  8. Hey, oh, I wish I hadn't just titled my most recent blog post "worth it all." I'll update you by email instead of the blog. I don't believe a pregnancy should be an end-all goal. Your happiness, health, marriage, and relationships are really important and you need rest time and healing time. I'm sure your MIL and mom just want you to be happy, and they know your desire for a child, but still, there's so much involved. HUGS & I'm praying for you!