Monday, March 14, 2011

Happy For Them, But...

I feel like nobody in my real life really understands how I'm feeling right now. And I don't know what I would do without this community and without my monthly support group. Thank you for your supportive comments this past week.

And I feel like I'm being whiny about this and really want that to stop.

But: my brother- and sister-in-law posted their ultrasound pictures to fb yesterday. And while I'm happy for them, this really caused a stir in me. And I don't like that it did.

Why can't I just be plain and simple happy for them? Why does seeing their ultrasound pictures have to create mixed emotions for me?

And now I'm wondering if this really does mean that I want to start trying again. So much in me is saying no way. I'm not ready and don't know if I ever will be again.

This time last year, I was still grieving our first miscarriage (I keep calling them miscarriages but I know they were only biochemical pregnancies since I never make it to week 6, so not sure what it is but it still feels like a loss). It took me a long while to get over that. And it wasn't until April when my best friend told me she was newly pregnant with #2 and after I cried and cried over our sadness still, that same weekend I decided I was ready again.

So, I'm wondering if that's happening now. I don't think so but I don't understand why this is making me so upset when I'm generally happy with our lives and with our decision right now, and I am happy for them...


  1. I can totally relate. When my brother- and sister-in-law announced they were pregnant, I was more than sad... I was angry. I was inexplicably angry and unable to find any joy for them. For me, even after my first niece was born, I still had trouble feeling connected to her and getting over my own personal sadness. It took me at least 6 months before I was even ready to hold her. Everyone has their own timeline and response. You are not wrong to feel the way you do. Your loss matters. It matters every month. Because quite frankly, with each cycle, there is a sense of disappointment and loss. All the very best to you as you travel this challenging road.

  2. First of all, I just don't think you can ever predict how you feel at certain announcements, etc. There is no right or wrong way, you feel what you feel and you just have to get through the feelings--so don't beat yourself up. And of course your losses ARE losses.
    I don't know if you are feeling like you want to cycle again...I know I flip flopped quite a bit as we neared the end of ART...sending you hugs and hope for some sense of peace.

  3. From my experience how you are feeling seems totally normal. I was upset with myself for feeling badly about my nephew but I couldn't deny that those ugly feelings where there. We are older and should have had a baby first, they "tried" and got pregnant the second month! I was a mess and my husband was upset with me for being upset.
    It is really hard, don't be too hard on yourself, this is a safe space to let it out. And u/s pictures on FB? Please, give me a break.

  4. Chemical pregnancies ARE miscarriages. You are allowed to call them that, as that is what they are. It's just a term for an early pregnancy before a heartbeat was detected on ultrasound, but the pain from them is still bad. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you are not entitled to that pain... As soon as you had a positive pregnancy test, you attached, and the loss was a broken attachment of hopes and dreams and longing that was not met.

    I think your experiences with the u/s on FB is COMPLETELY normal. And of course it starts to make you question your decisions. I think I would have stopped trying a lot longer ago if I hadn't had so many friends keep getting KU. It always takes a while for me to adjust to the idea, particularly if it is someone I am close to. Hugs to you during this tough time!

    Also- ps- wanted to make sure you had my new blog link!

  5. HUGS! I know it's so hard to be happy for everyone else when it reminds you of what you're still waiting for, and whether you want to keep trying right now. At least that's how it was with me. Thank you for your email and I'll email you back in just a minute. I'm finally getting caught up on your blog, I've missed following it!

  6. Honey, they ARE losses. They were your babies from the second they were conceived and you ARE their mother. Dont discount your losses, regardless of when they happened.

    “Miscarriages are labor, miscarriages are birth. To consider them less dishonors the woman whose womb has held life, however briefly.” –Kathryn Miller Ridiman

  7. I agree with all of the above comments. First of all, I hope you feel allowed to mourn your loss. All losses are real, even BFN's feel like a loss sometimes to me. I am sorry you are having to deal with this in your family. I understand and went through it with my brother and SIL. I think everyone here gets it.
    Suggestion, hide their comments on FB, this way they will not come up in your news feed. You are still able to check their profiles but at least this way it is on your terms and you not likely to get a random u/s or belly pic without feeling prepared for it.
    thinking of you....

  8. You are certainly not alone in feeling these things and then fretting over feeling them. I hate some days that my emotions control my rationalality, but I am trying to learn to just feel it and not fight it- I need to save my energy for other things. And yes it hurts because many many people are just so unaware of how hard it is for some of us. And NO ONE can possibly understand the pain that comes with all of this. Glad you have the strength to share :)

  9. I'm sorry & I think all of us have felt that twinge of sadness when seeing those announcements. In fact to be perfectly honest even though I'm now pregnant again I still feel sadness when I see someone post their ultrasound pictures on fb or announce a pregnancy in the first trimester, because that will never be me. I'll never be able to be so confident and care free that things will work out for me & it makes me feel jealous of that person and sad for myself because I'd really love to be able to be innocent about all of this & not know the pain of infertility so deeply.
    Thinking of you and sending love ((hugs))

  10. It definitely hit a nerve for me, too, when my brother and sister-in-law got pregnant again after we decided to stop trying.

    I also had to leave Facebook primarily because of them and their posts. I just can't take it and that's okay - I don't have to be strong all the time. I'm happy with my life but in the end, it's still unfair what we have to go through.

    I think it bugs me deep down that they did what I couldn't, even though we share the same genes. Why them and not me? Choices or not, we wanted children very much. Cousins to those babies. Grandchildren for our parents.

    And, frankly, my bro and wife never seemed like they even wanted kids or enjoy parenting all that much. It's just a bit of a twist of the knife in an old wound that will never fully heal. Probably, too, that they have been very insensitive to me about it. Empathy helps me a lot to feel happy for others. We all need to be seen, heard, appreciated and loved, regardless of whether we were able to have children or not.

    And your losses are true losses, no matter what anyone else thinks. They don't have to fit any "textbook" definition to matter, they only need to matter to you. And you have every right to grieve and mourn those losses.

    Big hugs from me to you!

  11. If you talk to "older" couples who faced infertility and decided to live child-free, I wonder if you would find that it is still a little difficult for them to hear pregnancy announcements. You have lost something--the pregnancies, the dream of having kids easily, etc. I don't know if it's fair to expect yourself, especially this early on, to be able to hear of others who have what you lost without feeling some sadness. That doesn't make you a more selfish person, especially since you are genuinely happy for them.

  12. Just wanted to echo the other comments, and to add my ((((hugs))))