Saturday, April 2, 2011

Back to Counseling

I've gone back to counseling. I can't seem to figure out how to best deal with disappointments I have with my family members AND I want to further explore what could be our next step.

Disappointment of Family Members:
  • MIL: I'm terribly upset with my mother-in-law and how insensitive she can be toward me. From going on and on about ultrasound pictures of my sister-in-law to me to not acknowledging my pain and hurt over our dog dying, she just doesn't get how to empathize and be sensitive. The way she is with me when I'm going through something painful makes me feel ignored.
  • My mom: She just sometimes doesn't have a filter. So, while most of the time we can have a fine conversation, I never know what she'll say related to fertility and it can catch me off guard. She also just doesn't know how to listen and really be there for me, which has left me feeling like I just don't have a mom when I need one the most.
  • The rest of my family (dad, brother, sister-in-law and father-in-law, brother-in-law and sister-in-law): They are just utterly SILENT. They don't really ask about how I am and acknowledge how painful this must be.
All of this makes me feel alone (though thank goodness for my husband, best friend, close friend and pastor!). It also  makes me question what family really means. People always say that family is there when you really need them, but I haven't felt that to be so in my case.

Next Steps:

I've been thinking a lot about being childfree and really feel being pulled in this direction. To me, trying to conceive and build our family has been nearly nothing but a painful road for us. It seems natural that after 3 years, fertility treatments, 3 miscarriages and surgery I'd say 'no way' to that anymore.

When I look back at trying to build our family, it's a dark and sad time in my life. When I look toward the future without any of that, I can see rays of sunshine.

I've had to accept and embrace the things are are in my life and stop focusing on what isn't.  In doing that, I've been able to really feel happy about my life and take advantage of what life without children brings to me.

BUT I also know that not being a mother is something I never envisioned for myself. And I know that my husband still wants us to keep trying, so my immediate next step is counseling.  I want to try and see if I can sort out this pain enough to potentially feel like wanting children again or if my husband and I have further discussions ahead on trying to deal now with different wants.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes!


  1. Thinking of you! I'm sure counselling will help you get through all those disappointments.

  2. counseling is a great gift to give yourself- hope it brings you some peace

  3. I absolutely hear you. I have also been so disappointed with family members. I am also considering counseling, if for nothing else than to help me understand that the family issues are no reflection upon me personally. It sounds like you've done some huge mental workouts lately. I look forward to hearing about the next steps and wish you the very best.

  4. Hang in there. Our family tend to know just how to annoy us. I'm so glad you're doing some counselling. I never thought I'd be someone who went to a therapist, but it really helps me out. I'm also so sorry for the loss of your dog. He looked adorable in the pictures.

  5. i hope things get better soon.
    thinking of you

  6. Counseling seems like a helpful next step. I hope things with your family get better soon. Sending you positive thoughts.

  7. I think this is a great diea. I think you know that I am a psychologist IRL so I am always in favor of more therapy. I view at a revolving door, at various points in our lives as our lives evolve it just something we will need from time to tome. I am so glad you are taking this steps and really hope you find it helpful.

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  9. How brave of you to go for counseling! It may be hard, and it may bring up all the emotions you have worked so hard to suppress, but I PROMISE it will help in the long run! Sending many positive thoughts your way!

  10. I consider my therapist, who happens to specialize in infertility, a key piece to my peace of mind. I go to her, as needed, to help me sort out all of these complicated feelings. I always feel better when I see her. I wish the same for you.

    Lily - The Infertile Mind