Sunday, April 17, 2011

What I Learned From Counseling & Support Group This Week

It was quite an emotionally-cleansing week for me - my bi-weekly counseling was this week and so was my monthly support group.

Here's what I learned:
  • I'm still grieving my last miscarriage
  • I'm grieving the immensity of having had 3 miscarriages in 1 year
  • I need to let my mother-in-law know that I'm actually grieving
  • I need to stop minimizing the fact that my prengancies didn't make it to week 6/a heartbeat
  • I understand that my dog dying a few weeks ago is another loss in this difficult recent loss journey and that it felt like 'piling on' to my already going through a grief cycle
  • I need to stop saying that life could be worse and grieve the bad stuff that has happened to me since this is my reality
  • The grief cycle takes approximately a year and I'm only 5 months from my last loss
  • I need to understand that this journey is a slice of my entire life and try to take it in a larger context
  • Despite that I think it feels better to be authentic and talk about how infertility is affecting me, it can be sometimes helpful to not talk about it and realize how much I have going on in my life that is not infertility-related
  • My true passion is adventurous, international travel and I can't keep putting this on hold
Here's what I'm going to do:
  • Allow myself to grieve, fully
  • Talk to my mother-in-law about my grief (I've never named it as such with her) so she can understand the immensity of it
  • Focus on a lot of the wonderful things going on in my life:
    • My amazing marriage/husband
    • My career that I love and a potential upcoming promotion
    • Our beautiful house
    • Our health
    • Springtime and what newness of exericse energy it brings
  • Be more spontaneous
    • Last weekend we went to a movie in another part of town and decided to stay at a nearby hotel that had a special going on - just being out of the house was fun (we had planned a night away at a hotel in our city a few years ago and really had fun!)
  • Plan some travel trips that really fuel my passion
    • I'm going to Chicago next week for work and will stay to see a good friend
    • I'm visiting my cousin in FL over Memorial Weekend
    • We booked tickets to northern Spain in June, a place we've been wanting to go to for awhile in conjunction with a wedding in southern Spain
    • We have 2 more wedding trips this summer
    • We have been talking about Vietnam over next winter which has been high on my list for years!


  1. I'm glad to see you have a plan--all that travel sounds exciting and spirit-nourishing.

    I also had to find a way to see my infertility as a part of my life, not my whole life. In the story of my life it will end up being one, albeit a very important one, chapter.

  2. I think you are right about the grieving process. These are real losses you are dealing with and it is a lot to process, especially all at once.
    I am glad that you have a lot to look forward to and hope these are rejuvinating for you.
    sending lots of love to you....

  3. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Especially since your post on whether or not all of this was actually "worth it" as so many claim. That post resounded with me, because I feel that I am finally maybe getting back to parts of the me that I was before the trying, the failing, the loss...and that feels good. That doesn't discount all that happened and doesn't make anything better, but it is trying to put things in the larger context, as you observe.

    I remember feeling such relief when our therapist told us we were nowhere near the end of our grief cycle. Somehow, that made it ok that we weren't "ok" yet and still had time to simply. feel. sad. without the expectation of getting "over it" immediately afterward. I hope that realization felt at least a little freeing to you.

    I love the things you've learned and I love the plans you have bubbling up. I can't wait to hear more.

    excited for you and the springtime.

  4. It sounds like you had a great week in terms of self-realization, and that is awesome. Difficult, but a great step :-)

  5. Good for you for realizing you still have a lot of grieving to do for your miscarriages, your dreams, your beloved dog and who knows what else!

    Just don't get too hung on the timeframe - 1 year - as I find that the grieving comes and goes. You just realize it sooner and are able to sit with it and get going again more quickly.

    Big hugs to you!