I keep hearing my mother-in-law's voice in my head from a few weeks ago when she told me that all of this IS worth it. It's so worth it to have that baby, she said to me.
And, it just didn't resonate with me... anymore.
It's been a very painful 3 years. With 3 fertility treatments. With 3 miscarriages. And surgery. And even before the 3rd pregnancy and miscarriage, I began a downward spiral. A spiral so bad that I understood for the first time in my life why people would want to end their lives. Why the day in, day out misery has to end.
I never actually contemplated ending my life, but I understood it better. Better than I ever had. I finally understood how a friend of mine did it to his life years ago.
So, when I look back on the last 3 years, I see losing myself. I see putting my life on hold. I see extreme measures to get something I was having a hard time getting. I see darkness. I see misery. I see gloom.
And I think - that can't be what life is supposed to be like. It just can't be. As my friend, The Infertile Mind, reminds me - I used to be a happy person before all of this.
I just want peace. I want to be happy again. I want to be ME again. I want to find that passion in life again.
And I can only do that if I let go of this want so badly. And letting go of it for me hasn't meant "we'll just see what happens". It's meant "I don't know if I actually want this anymore".
So... no, I don't think it's worth it. Not when I can look ahead and see sunshine and color and my heart singing again. Having children is NOT worth that misery again. I just can't do it. I won't do it.
I've got plenty of people whodo exist that I can love. With my whole heart. I have children in my life that I can influence, that I can spend time with, and that I can support and care about. That may be enough for me. That may be more than enough for me.
I'm also not ready to say this is it, I'm done. Not yet. This journey has been a long one and I know I need to sit with this idea for awhile longer. But right now, right this second, I can say wholeheartedly that it's not worth it. There's more to life than this one thing. There's so much more.
2 years ago
Thank you for sharing your post...A lot of what you said hit home for me in a lot of ways...I am not sure how much more I can bear either. I think it's hard shutting the door to IF struggle, but you will find your own resolution. Decisions are difficult to make and a decision to be childless is not selfish - you need to choose the path that is right for you...
ReplyDeleteIt's a hard place to get to. I'm still working on the part of my journey that I'm in. I'm thankful that I have Bobby and Maya now, but I also realize that I cant have any more... that I cant go through 4 more miscarriages or 3 more baby deaths. I just cant. Sometimes people make glib comments like "Dont you want to try again? It was worth it for this- it would be worth it for that." And I think, really? Perhaps at some point we make the best of all we have and try to make the best of where we stand... today.
ReplyDeleteyou are not alone in so many of of those thoughts and feelings. here's hoping today is a day you can feel a little more like you :)
ReplyDeleteI hit that turning point too, where ART was no longer worth it. It was actually walking out of our third RE's office, consulting for a SIXTH IVF cycle and all of a sudden I just realized, no more.
ReplyDeleteOf course we went towards adoption which has had it's own share of bumps and painful parts too...but I totally get the medical treatment side ceasing to be worth it at some point.
Hugs.
I'm so sorry for everything you have been through! Letting go is a real struggle for me, too. I find that I have to go through the "I no longer want this point" before I can truly get to a more balanced "whatever happens happens" perspective. It's like my psyche has to live out all of the possibilities before it can let go and I feel like I can live with whatever happens. I'm definitely not there yet when it comes to IF.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best on your journey, wherever it may take you.
My goodness girl this post really resonated with me..... Over the past 7yrs its been so hard that some days I didn't know how I would make it through all of this....and here I am still standing.....anyone who says its all worth it is crazy----those are the people who have children already or those who have never had to live with never having a precious baby....and those people need to keep those comments to themselves because they obviously don't understand. its not worth it...only those still going thru this immense pain can truly understand. During my blogging days it was fellow bloggers like you who kept me motivated to keep going and therefore I didn't feel so all alone....I know for a fact that you are strength for a lot of people and thats a blessing within itself.Plus we have a lot of other things that other people in the world don't have....so we have to remind ourselves of this constantly.....I wish you much peace, and joy, and blessings......I pray that God will really do some amazing things in your life, marriage, and heal all the broken pieces ....I pray that one day He will take the pain away from all of us.....I love you friend.
ReplyDeleteFor lack of a better term, baby steps. Everything about healing in this journey is about that. And at some point, no, it's not worth it. Sanity has to happen. Peace. However you come to that. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you. After 4 years, I am not sure where to go yet. I cannot imagine living child free yet at the same time this cannot continue to take over my life. It just can't. I have no real answers for you, but wanted you to know that you are not alone. I totally understand and am here for you.... sending lots of love your way.
ReplyDeleteI think it's unfair for someone who did not go through the struggles to even have a child to tell someone else "It's all worth it." An infertile's journey starts so much farther back and wears you down in all the most intimate areas of life, not to mention emotionally, physically and financially. I know she means well but try to remember that her journey and yours have been vastly different! That is always the way, though, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI think your post is well said and once again, resonating so clearly with those of us who are "Childless Not By Choice". Be we will choose to be happy, fulfilled and compassionate by choice. More and more I am aware the amazing supporting role women (and men) without children play in this world.
I'm so glad that this journey has led us to become friends and supporters of one another. I consider it an honor.
Lily - The Infertile Mind