Failed First FET :(

I'm so bummed. I'm mostly surprised. I really thought this would take.

I think the drugs must really mimic making your body think it's pregnant because I've been tired and VERY bloated. I really thought I was pregnant.

Oh, but our chances are so low (can't remember how low). At least an FET is less work than a fresh IVF, but still!!!

:(
:(
:(

I'll wait for my period, get on birth control again and hopefully go into another FET with the 1 frozen embryo we have left.

I'd appreciate some virtual hugs. I'm feeling pretty bummed out right now.

And thank goodness for counseling tomorrow morning at 8am...

Transfer Time & Counseling

Transfer time for our first FET was Mon, Apr 23! I've been doing well and for now, am feeling hopeful. We have another one frozen, so I'm kinda looking at this next phase as seeing what happens with these 2 frozen embryos. Feels good to be moving forward.

In the meantime, I think I began processing my last miscarriage from our first IVF a few weeks ago. I'd realize that about once a week when I was in bik.ram (hot) yoga, I'd just break down with overwhelming emotion... something had to change, so I scheduled myself back into my therapist.

That session was last Friday and already made a huge difference. I spent a lot of time crying in her office. The next day, B and I were at an event with friends we hadn't seen in awhile.One of B's friends came up to us to tell us how sorry she was about our miscarriage and it just struck me at how huge this has all been for us when B said 'yeah, this is miscarriage number 5 for us.'

I keep trying to brush this stuff off like I should handle it better, that in the grand scheme of things it shouldn't be that big of a deal, that other people go through harder stuff, etc., etc. but when I think of the last 4 1/2 years of trying to conceive with 5 early miscarriages with IUIs, IVF and surgeries... it IS a lot!

The hardest part still remains that people in general just don't get it. They don't get the pain. And it's all very invisible to most people. Our families still don't really know how to handle it (B's parents visited 2 weeks ago and B's mother said to me - "I know you're going through a lot emotionally, but how are you recovering physically?").

It's so clear that the emotion is just too much for most people... and that's what can hurt the most - feeling isolated and alone in pain that others either can't see, can't seem to understand or don't want to come near.

Thank good ness for my husband, my best friend, my pastor and another good friend - the 4 who have really been there for me. And thank goodness for my counselor, who is awesome, has gone through infertility and IVF herself and gets it.

And thank goodness for moving forward. I'm hopeful to see what these next 1-2 cycles will bring.

FET #1 on Schedule for April 23 / Difficult Easter Thoughts

Even though I never got my period after the bc pills, they still said everything looks good to start our first FET. We started shots on Saturday which will be every 3 days. They hurt a bit more than I thought (intramuscular in the bum).

Check in on Tues, Apr 17 and if all looks good (which we anticipate), we're doing transfer on Mon, Apr 23.

Hopeful this time... the plan is to only transfer one. And we have one more waiting in the wings.

I've started processing our miscarriage from our last IVF cycle. Easter was difficult as holidays tend to be for me. I wanted to just ignore it and not deal with it. Didn't really feel like talking to my family that day. B and I just hung out and did a lot of housework. We also had crabs to commemorate the 1 year anniversary of our dog's passing last year. (Our dog loved the water and on the weekend he died last year, we went and had crabs for hours and reminisced).

I'll be ok, just having a hard time with all the feelings I don't think I dealt with from the miscarriage but also hopeful going into a new cycle.

FET #1 Scheduled

We're in the birth control pill stage of our first frozen cycle. We have 2 frozen embryos from our first IVF and are moving forward again. We plan to transfer just 1.

Just ordered my meds which cost WAY, WAY, WAY less than the IVF cycle and expect to get my period next Tues. It's exciting to be moving forward again.

I am NOT looking forward to the shots in my bum every 3 days though. That was a real disappointment to hear. And that they'd have to continue to the pregnancy test - and beyond if we test positively. They tell me that it won't hurt as bad as some of my bum shots from before... I hope that is the case!

In the meantime, my regular dentist visit showed me that I have FIVE cavities. FIVE! I still can't get over it. My dentist said that pregnancy can mess with your teeth (even early on pregnancy and the hormones I may be taking for IVF). I also have a decaying wisdom tooth. So, trying to get 3 not-so-fun appointments in to take care of all of this before transfer.

I'm also back to running. Still slow, but can do 30 mins now and it does so much good for my mental state!

Transfer date is set for Mon, April 23... stay tuned! We're excited to be moving forward again...

Needed Surgery

My IVF #1 went so badly that I needed to have surgery 10 days ago to remove an ectopic pregnancy that didn't respond to metho.traxate to dissolve it - and they had to remove my left tube as well.

What a whirlwind it was!

After I got the metho.trexate shot (that has worked on me 2x before on suspected ectopics), they told me like normal that if I was having abdominal pain, among other symptoms, to go to the emergency room.

So, 5 days after the shot, at work, I had severe adbominal pain, called my nurse who said don't risk it - go to the hospital. A co-worker drove me and I thought it'd just be a stomach bug or something. 4 hours of tests later, they tell me I need to have surgery that evening to remove this pregnancy... and my husband is out of town.

I call my best friend, who immediately gets child care and comes to spend time with me, and luckily my husband was able to get on the next flight home, in time to take me home from surgery.

I'm still trying to process it all... I'm actually very calm and oddly at peace about all of this. I guess when you're confronted with a somewhat life-threatening situation, it helps put things in perspective.

We're faced with infertility. It's hard. But I guess in general, things are good.

So, I'm taking it all in stride. We have a follow-up with my RE this Friday and I'm sure we'll proceed again with IVF with the two frozen embryos we have (probably one at a time)... though I do keep thinking about maybe a gestational carrier or that it's time to consider adoption. I've had 5 early-on miscarriages - 3 of which have been ectopic, 1 of them with IVF (other two with IUI), so just makes me worried that something is clearly not working in my favor or functioning properly with my body. On the other hand, I'll hear what the doctor has to say as I'm not quite willing to give up with this dream for now...

IVF #1=Not Good

What a weird situation. They think we're having an ectopic pregnancy, even though that only happens for 1% of IVF cases.

We finally had our u/s on Tues and they couldn't find anything even though our HCG kept going up. Our doctor was genuinely surprised and disappointed, but I also don't think he was fully aware of how much I had been bleeding the last couple of weeks.

I have to get a methotrexate shot tomorrow. This will be my 3rd. We've had a total of 5 miscarriages at the pre-week 6 mark. I'm afraid to even tell my parents about this one. What I really don't want to hear from people is that maybe my body isn't meant to be pregnant. That's what all of this would indicate, right?

Except with each step we feel like we get closer to unraveling this mystery. I'd say that if everything worked with this IVF cycle except that it somehow traveled up to my tubes, then it's bound to be right next time, right?? Or in the next couple of times?

They said we'd be at transfer stage again 6-10 weeks from now depending on when my period comes, etc. (Can't imagine a period again after 3 weeks of bleeding!!!).

Anyway, since I have a little window of 'freedom', I'm trying to get down to FL in the winter to visit my cousin. I think that'll do me some good. Let's see if I can get decent airfare now!

Thanks for all your support. Overall, I'm doing very well emotionally. There's so little we have control over and I really just want to be at peace. That, and I had a little chat with my mom after last weekend's disappointment with her, and it went really well - I feel the love!

In Limbo Land

The last 2 weeks have almost been harder than the traditional 2WW. It's been the second 2WW - the post-postive pre-heartbeat stage. And it's been really, really hard.

Testing positive with low numbers isn't reassuring and bleeding, at times heavily, for about a week isn't either.

We've essentially been going through that yo-yo. The center says our levels are rising appropriately, but they aren't doubling. They say they look for at least a 66% rise. Well, guess what ours has been? Yes - 66%.

Throw on top of it stressful work right now and my mom who I haven't been calling because she can't be supportive in the way I need her to be, who I know is mad that I haven't been calling even though I've said that I'll likely need to communicate less while we go through IVF because it's so stressful...

And of course, the last 2 calls I've had with her (one just now) have stressed me out - she's just negative in general, was starting to say that maybe the reason we've had so much trouble is because my work is stressful... oh yes, just what I love to hear - it's my fault we've had problems. Sure, quit my job and I'm sure I'd get pregnant right away! That's exactly how it works! Oh yeah, and the other time I had a miscarriage because she said I walked too much - yeah, I'm sure that's exactly  the reason we miscarried... Yeah, and she wonders why I don't call more??? Hmmm, seems to make sense to me.

Grrrr. I wish I could just not call, for even six months or whenever we're done with IVF, and have it be ok then.

In the meantime, we have an ultrasound appt on Tues. Wish us luck. I'm worried mostly because of the bleeding... I just either want this to work or have us move onto another cycle.