Relief & Disappointment from Genetic Testing

I got my results back from PGD genetic testing and I'm both relieved and disappointed.

The good news: we have 1 normal embryo.
The bad news: there was only one out of 8 embryos tested.

The cycle seemed to have started out well and was progressing very well. We ended up with:

• 22 eggs retrieved
• 20 mature
• 17 were fertilized (with ICSI, which is what they recommend when doing PGD testing)
• 15 made it to Day 5
• 8 were biopsied for testing - this is where the numbers started declining
• 1 made it

We have one frozen already from a cycle in October that had similar results (1 normal out of 5 biopsied & tested).

Our plan: to transfer the two that we have in the hopes that we either extremely fortunately get twins or at least have a better chance of one being the outcome. Our FET is scheduled for April 9.

I have to say, though, that as much as I have glimmers of hopefulness, the disappointment and the weariness is overshadowing a lot of that.

I'm having a hard time with thinking that this may actually be the thing that actually works. I'm also concerned that I'm also being greedy in that I want a FAMILY not just 1 CHILD. Is that terrible? And I feel like even if this ONE does work, then how do we get/muster up the energy to have a second child?? Which is why, at this point, I just so badly want twins...

I'll be 39 in March. If this works, I'll be 40 some before we can try again. It's just starting to feel like the light is dimming on all of this. We're going into our 7th year of ttc. I've barely got any energy left to even have these kids and raise them let alone keep trying to have them! Sometimes just unloading the dishwasher can feel like such an extra chore.

Ok... I'm wandering a bit here. This stuff just zaps the energy right out of you though.

I'm still so grateful for zo.loft. It's been so, so helpful.

B and I are in such a great place right now that I can't help but wonder if we just throw in the towel after this and live child-free. If we can't even deal with emptying the dishwasher, how are we supposed to add children to the mix?

Everyone always says that adding children to a couple adds a lot of stress on a marriage and frankly, I'm concerned about that. We have a great life right now with minimal responsibility. As you can tell, we both don't like doing household chores (and we have hired a cleaning service to help with that!).

But I just have all these things swirling in my head about:

• What if this doesn't work? Do we go to the "ultra-specialist" in NJ? Will they likely say they can't do anything further for us? Even if they did, do we have the energy for it? Do we want to dump more money into this?
• Donor egg is not something I'm very comfortable with. I think my husband would want me to be since genes matter to him (he lost his father when he was young so the genetic connection is important to him). I can't get around the idea of his genes with someone else's... The only person I might want is his brother's wife but I don't think she would do that for us...
• Do we have the energy for adoption????
• Can we/should we live childless? What would be the implications of missing out on the experience of raising children and experiencing having family when we're older and possibly even grandchildren?? Would there be less stress on our marriage/would we be happier without children? What if I'm "all alone" when we're much older? How would that feel?

Too many questions... time to go back to the therapist!!! :)

22 eggs for Attempt #6!

We had such a great retrieval yesterday - technically retrieval #5 and attempt #6, though we've only done 4 retrievals and 3 IVFs, so I'm not even sure what to keep calling our attempts...

But the good news is good news. Of our 22 eggs, 17 were mature and 15 fertilized (via ICSI since we're doing PGD genetic testing on embryos now).

We'll know next Tues how many made it do Day 5 and then it will be approx 2 weeks for the PGD testing and in the meantime, I will wait for my period and start to prep for an FET.

We have one frozen embryo right now and hoping to get one more to transfer two.

So, I'm hopeful and that's nice going into Valentine's Day...

IVF Attempt #6? / All Kinds of Feelings Going On

I don't even know how to call my cycles anymore! But regardless, I think this is a somewhat #6 IVF (sort of) attempt coming up... and I'm hopeful again.

My situation is so complicated that I even get confused explaining it. In our IVF/retrieval #4, we had 1 genetically tested normal embryo that we decided to freeze. Attempt #5 did not work (leading follicle).

I have now been on birth control pills for almost 3 weeks and go in this Thursday for the pre-IVF bloodwork and ultrasound, and will hopefully get started on stims on Sun, Feb 2.

It's still a long haul for us. If we get to retrieval and have a decent amount of embryos, we'll do genetic testing and freeze what we have. Then will go into a frozen cycle as soon as possible, likely in April.

I'm so, so eager for this to work. There are so many variables, though, and I'm just trying to keep it all together and stay calm. I'm part of a "Crossroads" support group now who have all kinds of issues and so we're used to not getting our way!

It does sometimes seem like I'm in this never-never land and will never get out. It feels like it's been an eternal limbo land while most others have gone on to have at least their second and if not third child/pregnancies.

January hit me pretty hard. It's been 6 years of us trying to conceive. SIX years. Can you even imagine that?

It's been a long road and it will continue to be. (I so wish I could just do a normal IVF and be over with this by the end of this month!). I'm not sure why I'm being faced with this and sometimes it feels like more than I can bare.

I'm also facing the loss of my job and that feels hard as well. Just the uncertainty of it all. This is a job I took a year ago and have been loving but the company's financial outlook isn't great so I think there will be lay-offs in a couple of weeks that will likely include me.

Glad I have counseling tomorrow! :)

It's been a bit tough, I'll admit. But I've been keeping a gratitude journal and that reminds me each day that there is joy. And that helps.

I keep trying to plan what I can of things that I know I'll look forward to or will make me happy like going to a comedy show or a concert. I have a couple of those coming up in the next month.

It's all one day at a time, one breath at a time. Oh yeah, and I've been continuing my yoga too which helps my outlook and waistline! Seriously, it's a great stress relief.

Lots going on.

Forced Break is Doing Me Good... in the Galapagos too!

It's been awhile... a long while. I guess it's kind of nice NOT ttc'ing! The forced break has been really, really good. So has zo.loft!

Here are some highlights from the last few weeks:

• A trip to the Galapagos Islands solo! My husband couldn't come and he knows how much I love & need to travel so I just hooked onto a tour group and it was so much fun!! Giant tortoises and swimming with sea turtles and getting up really close to all the animals and birds were incredible. And I loved meeting all the new & random people I met. Here are some fun pics from that!

a giant tortoise

red sally lightfoot crabs

iguana

blue footed booby bird

B's 40th Surprise Birthday Party - I have spent the last 6 weeks planning a surprise party for B and it was awesome! It's so true that it is better to give than to receive. Giving him this party made me so, so happy!! I themed it 20x2 and blew up pictures of him around age 20 to make him feel half his age again! Here's his cake (and now you know his name...):

• Bought a 3 month pass to my favorite bik.ram yoga studio! Being able to plan that far in advance was amazing.
• Went to NYC to see Annie with my childhood friend who lives there now. We "played" Annie so much when we were younger that it was so special to see this with her in real life... and I just LOVE New York City!!

Those are just some of the highlights. It's been a great ~2ish months!

Next Steps with IF: waiting to get a regular period to start bcp and start a new cycle. We have 1 frozen embryo but I really want to transfer 2 and/or have another leftover for sibling #2. We have to do genetic testing on our embryos so we have to freeze our embryos while they're being tested and then I have to start a new FET. Kind of a pain but needs to be done. 

The likelihood of a transfer is now March or April. 

I will just keep trying to enjoy life in the meantime!

Hope you all had nice holidays!

Retrieval #5 - Cancelled!

How things can change so quickly!

We started stimming on Sunday for our Retrieval #5. By Tues, Day 3 into stimming, it looked like there might be a leading follicle and no significant growth behind it. By Wed, they determined they needed to cancel the cycle.

I'm pretty bummed. I was awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night last night just processing it.

I mean, of course, I understand that these things happen, and can happen and it happened to me. So, I can take that. But it just seems kind of endless on things happening to me too! I mean, how many times do I need to go through things in order for this to happen for us?

On the one hand, I've been taking this relatively calmly. I think the zo.loft has helped a lot. On the other hand, I want to feel like I'm making progress toward this.

This year alone, I've had 1 positive IVF followed closely by a miscarriage, 1 negative IVF, 1 retrieval cycle resulting in one embryo that we haven't transferred yet and now 1 cancelled retrieval cycle. All of these with embryo genetic testing involved.

I'll be able to get started again after Christmas with the way my cycle will shake out and the holiday lab closures, so that will also mean I can still go on a trip which I'd like to start looking forward to (I'm thinking the Galapagos Islands!).

But this is a two month digression.

I've always done really well during forced breaks, so I'm going to focus on me without worry of appts, meds or anything else which is extremely freeing. I'm going to recommit to Wei.ght Watchers. (I lost the weight between April-July and then regained it between August & Sept), I'm going to plan this trip and hope for the best with the next cycle.

And I'm going to continue to be grateful for taking the step to be on zo.loft. It's really added a lot more calm to my life.

Retrieval #5 and Other Updates

I was quite despairing a couple of weeks ago and I decided to do two things:

• Get on anti-depressants
• Move forward with another retrieval

On the anti-depressants, I'm 10 days into zo.loft at this point and much as I really, really did not want to be on anti-depressants for several reasons (not wanting to be on drugs while trying to conceive, wanting to be able to feel better on my own, the stigma, etc.), I realized I was at an all-time low. And I probably have been on and off for the last couple of years. In retrospect, I wish I had started taking them 2 years ago. 

My therapist and RE are supportive of me doing this and I'm working with a psychiatrist. The first week wasn't great - I was having headaches and getting sleepy much earlier but by 1 week, it's feeling better. Not 100% probably but much better. So I'm glad about that.

On the retrieval, I just felt like I couldn't go through with an FET with just 1 embryo. It didn't feel hopeful enough to me and I really also want 2 children, not just 1, so I'd like to be able to transfer 2 embryos and/or have one hopefully saved for later on. Thankfully, my RE was supportive of going through another stim and retrieval. 

I start meds today for stimming and while these next couple of weeks are going to be intense with shots and appointments and ultimately (hopefully) a retrieval, I'm feeling better overall and better about our plan.

This plan also allows us to get our genetic testing results from our embryos by 2nd week of Dec and I'm planning to take a month off to plan a trip around Christmastime.

So, that's the plan and I'm so grateful to be feeling better.

PGD Results & Anxiety Over Next Steps

I wrote this 1-2 weeks ago and I still want to publish it even though I have another update...

We got our genetic testing back on our 5 embryos and were quite disappointed. We have just 1 viable embryo from that batch. One.

My nurse is great and said "all it takes it one...".

I know she's right but I couldn't help but despair.

We're almost six years into this. Six years. And all I know is sadness and stress around family building.

I've been so hoping that we could just 'get this over with' and have twins somehow in our next cycle. But that's not even a possibility now.

So, what do we do? Our choices seem to be:

• Move forward with an FET with this one embryo. In the past our doctor has said that it's a 30-40% chance of pregnancy.
• Go through another retrieval to try to get at least one more viable embryo so that if we transfer 2 embryos, we have a 60% chance of a single pregnancy (and 25% chance of twins). If we end up with more than an additional one, we can 'bank' a future child if we end up with a single pregnancy.

We have a consult with our doctor on Friday but we already know that he'll support us either way, he's told our nurse. If we want to do another retrieval that would be fine, but he's told her that he wouldn't want to recommend that because IVFs are stressful and we already have one embryo.

I'm having a hard time making this decision. On the one hand, stomaching another IVF/retrieval seems stressful, but am I only looking at short-term pain when it could be long-term gain? On the other hand, I may only have enough energy for an FET at this point and if my nurse is right, all it takes is one, then maybe we just do that. 

I think what I need are anti-depressants. I met with a psychiatrist on Tues and I think I'm going to get the prescription filled today.