Having a Hard Time With Others' Babies...and Time

I'm having a hard time right now. It's not even that I'm having a hard time with others' babies in general, it's that I'm having a hard time wanting to spend time with the babies I know. Wanting to put in that effort.

I know that as soon as I do, I enjoy it. But it takes a lot of energy to get to being there. And I'm mad at myself for not putting in the extra effort.

I've mentioned a couple of times how The Infertile Mind has inspired me to spend more time with my nephews. Yes, she's inspired me alright... but have I done anything about it? No.

I don't want to be that person who is down. I don't want to be the person who doesn't want to get to know her best friend's baby better. I don't want my best friend to take it personally that I'm not craving to spend time with her baby. I don't want to be a bad aunt by not going out of my way more to be with my nephews.

I also know that it probably has everything to do with infertility. That, and a busy job, where all I want to do on the weekends is get my household chores done and REST.

And does work have more to do with it than I think? Why do I feel drained so much? I'm focusing on a great job that takes up more time than 40 hrs/week, I'm focusing on losing weight, I'm focusing on yoga and doing a 1/2 marathon, I'm focusing on my marriage.  I'm focusing on my church. And what's left? A tiny bit of time for doing some life necessities (laundry, groceries, etc) and spending time with friends.

I have another friend who now lives 45 mins away and everytime she asks me to do something, I feel like she's taking a piece of me that I can't give right now. I LOVE this friend. Every time I see her I'm so grateful for her.

So, how did I get to be this person? And do I force myself to do these things knowing that I'll be glad I did?? I don't know what to do!!

May Have to Hide My Friend on FB

Actually, I may have to hide my sister-in-law's sister-in-law on face.book. Yes, complicated. She's like family. We see her enough, and now thansk to face.book, have gotten to know her enough for her to feel like family.

And she's 5 or 6 weeks pregnant at this point. I blogged about her last week. She posted her positive pee stick on fb stating "Woohoo". The very same pee stick I took last fall. After 2 years of ttc and 2 IUIs. Except mine didn't make it to 6 weeks.

She's had her doctor's appt and is going back in 2 weeks to hear the heartbeat. She's not posting constantly about it. And in fact, those are the only 2 postings. Oh, and that she's eating for two now. Please.

And you know what? I hate that I sound this sarcastic. I hate that this has to be about me and not her. I hate that IF has robbed me of the innocence and joy of pregnancies. I've become bitter and I don't like it.

I wish I could be more positive and say, I'm not going to let this affect me and I'll be genuinely happy for her. But, I think I may just have to hide her, and maybe just go look at what she's posted every now & then. Or maybe only before the next time I see her.

If I hide her, though, I don't want to miss a significant moment for her and not comment. (I'm a fairly big fb commenter). What do I do???

First Blog Award!

I got my first blog award over a month ago from Among the Blossoms here but was so overwhelmed at the time that I put it on hold. I also didn't know many bloggers yet and wanted to make sure I got to know other bloggers well enough to pass this on!

So, thank you Jenny!

Here are the rules: List 10 things that make your day and then give this award to 10 bloggers.

Ten Things That Make My Day:
1. My loving husband
2. The love I have for my job
3. My renewed faith & amazing church community
4. This blogging world
5. My health and love for running, biking, swimming, hiking & bik.ram yoga
6. CHOCOLATE!!!!
7. coffee
8. water (the caterers at our wedding wanted to make sure I had my favorite drink - I kept saying 'water'
9. Random acts of kindnesses (in fact, I am thinking of potentially starting a new blog down the road with this theme in mind)
10. Loving family & the good friends we choose as our family
 
I want to add a few more because I felt like I had to get the 'must-have's' in there...
11. playing games like App.les to App.les, Tab.oo, Cele.brities
12. cake batter ice cream
13. fuji apples or red delicious apples when they're really crispy
14. the beach
15. playing favorite songs on repeat
16. great authors like Bar.bara King.solver
17. O.prah and the O magazine
 
Ten Blogs I Pass This Award On To:
(and I think it's important to either say why or describe the blog/person a bit)

1. Determined to Have Joy - I've just felt this amazing connection with Shanel. She is so very positive and yet puts it all out there with her honesty & struggles. I have only known her for a couple of months but can tell that she has an amazing spirit! She's also losing weight & feeling good, which motivates me!
2. The Road Less Traveled - Rebecca was one of my first commenters. I was immediately drawn to her from her and she's been incredibly supportive. She's a great writer too and is just about to pass her first trimester!
3. The Infertile Mind - I found her somehow one Saturday morning and proceeded to spend the next 2 hours pouring through her entire blog. She's an amazing writer, is incredibly creative and just has a way of putting things into perspective. She's taught me a lot on feeding our niece/nephew relationships. She also holds a wonderful e-class on IF that you should check out next time she's running it!
4. Bean Stalk Ballads - I just love this blog. It's so refreshing to me. Who would have thought that I can connect to this incredibly strong and sensitive lesbian couple's journey in Australia? And I love that I can & that Em is one blogger I always look forward to updates from! And her weight loss & exercise has inspired me!
5. I Will Be a Mom Someday - Hannah has an incredible way of praying. She's taught me a lot about how to pray. And I love the photo of the back of her wedding dress!
6. Find Joy Now - More than just the name of this blog, I love that jrs is so very fun & always there with support.
7. A Little Blog About the Big Infertility - Jess is relatively new to me and I've really enjoyed her. I love the picture she has on her blog of her on the table at the doctor's office complete with ultrasound wand! And that she has picks of national parks too. She's having a hard time right now and could use some support.
8. Hopes and Dreams for Us - I really like Sweet Pea's signature! I love her updates & her 2010 goals make me strive to try some of them! She's also doing a C25K (couch to 5K) which is inspiring!
9. The Maybe Baby (Babies) - She's had a difficult journey yet I love how she can share in a captivating way the way she's memorialized the loss of her babies with trees and how it's her favorite run to get there. She's also encouraged me on my runs, which I so appreciate!
10. The Pughs - Rachel is new-ish to me too and her being from Charleston is extra-special since it has special meaning to me and my husband. Oops - she's from Alabama, my mistake!!, but now I've gotta love Alabama :) I really enjoy her positivity, all the colorful pictures she posts and the strength she gets from her church family.

This was extremely hard since I enjoy so very many blogs. I hope you may find some new ones you like & can connect to based on the Awards I'm passing on! :)

Why Did I Have to Tell Her?

Things have been good between me and my mom lately. It's been good because I haven't been telling her anything about how I've been feeling about infertility. And she's been sensitive to not bring it up or even slip in anything about babies/children.

It's been a HUGE relief.

But then, I went ahead and told her. I went ahead and told her how upsetting it was for me to find about my sister-in-law's sister-in-law's pregnancy on face.book on Wed.

(And, no, that's not a typo... this person pretty much feels like a sister-in-law and is close to the family as I explained in my last post) :)

So my mom starts saying how I can't have everything and that I have a great career, a great house, blah, blah and I just tuned out because 1) I know she was just trying to somehow be nice or be positive for me and 2) I just really didn't want to get all riled up.

But... I am riled up. I don't even remember how we finished the conversation but that kind of stuff is just upsetting to me. Why can't she just say "I know this is hard for you" and just leave it at that. That's it. I certainly DON'T want any 'this is my cross to bear' bullcrap.

I know she said 'It won't always be like this' and 'I thought of you when I saw that posting' or something like that and I know she's just trying to be helpful but why does this have to be so cyclical with her? Why can't she just stick to being empathetic and leave it at that.

The thing is, I want to say something to her again about how best to help me but I'm not sure how to. She's super sensitive so I've just chosen to not say anything about any of this, but that's not an authentic relationship, is it?

Thought I Was Ok...

I really thought I was ok. Or at least better. Or at the very least focused on something else.

But it seeped in... in no time.

Yesterday, I saw a mom with two cute twin toddlers and I thought I really want kids. And then this morning Where's My Stork wrote this post called I Want to be Pregnant... NOW and I felt the EXACT same way.

And then, as a blow, my sister-in-law's sister-in-law, who is relatively close to the family, announced on face.book today that she was pregnant by posting a picture of her positive test stick - the same one I took in Nov that showed I was pregnant before the miscarriage. And it bummed me out.

So, I'm really bummed out. And am reaching out, hoping by getting my feelings out there and getting your supportive words, thoughts, hugs and prayers, I'll feel better...

Awesome S*x

Yes, we had that kind of Saturday this weekend. :)

And then my mind started playing games on me... those very few times where we have s*x and I don't think about my cycle at all. And as I was basking in my awesomeness state, I thought - how cool would it be if I got pregnant the one time in a long time when I didn't actually think about it and one of the few times recently where I've been able to let go enough to have awesome s*x?

But then I started analyzing things more... and even though I'm around 2 weeks in, I think I was a few days too late.

Oh well.

Maybe it will happen one day. Where I can let go completely, enjoy myself profusely, and have a baby the way we're supposed to have babies.

Maybe.

New Lease on Life

I feel like I've been given a new lease on life.

I had my annual review at work this week and it went so well. Better than I expected. I love my job. And I feel truly blessed for it. I have a zest of life for it. That's lucky. I recognize that.

My boss gave me a much higher raise than I expected. He went to bat for me by putting in a special exception increase. I'm in HR. I manage the special increases, yet he did this as a surprise for me.

I manage HR for a growing mid-size company and my boss, the CFO (hopefully soon to be COO) and CEO see promise in me. I've delivered, no doubt, but it's nice to get back what I preach to our managers - appreciate your top performers!!

And I've been given a gift - the gift of a new opportunity. We're expanding into India and I will be managing this endeavor. Wow. I have no idea how I'll do it, but I know I'll do it. That's a good confidence kinda feeling. And I'm half Indian so this is especially meaningful to me.

Most of all, it's given me this new zest for life. I'm so incredibly excited about this. This may sound utterly crazy, but I actually don't want to get pregnant right now anymore. I know, I know. I've learned that us infertiles have little control over timing...

But I'm truly excited about this opportunity. And it's gotten my focus and attention away from the 'what if's' of growing our family. I'm excited about something else!!! For once. For once it feels like in a really long time. And that feels amazing.

I feel like God has finally shown up to give me grace through this opportunity.