Where Do We Go From Here?

Or rather where do I go from here...

I'm the one that is conflicted. B is grieving our loss but he's done.

Whereas I'm grieving but it's an open question to me on continuing to pursue a sibling for D.

My heart has kept tugging at me. I so badly want a sibling for D. And it's created inner conflict that feels super unsettling.

The question I've kept coming back to though is: why haven't I done anything about it??

It's perplexing. Usually I'm always all ready with Plan B and I get going on it. I was ready to do that within a week of losing the baby, the pregnancy. And then I knew we needed to allow time for grief.

Ok, so we've done that, at least a fair amount. In therapy two weeks ago, it felt extremely cathartic to have a big cry, a cry that lasted all session. A cry that continued when I told B about the letters I wrote to baby A and to our little D.

I had therapy again this past Friday and it was really illuminating. We didn't get to it until the end but I realized the reason I haven't done anything about it and the reason I could potentially get to a peaceful place about it all:

Pursuing a sibling for D would mean not just work, and not just emotional work but also the risk of potential loss. With adoption, it could be the family changing their minds and with donor egg with a surrogate, it could mean miscarriage.

Both of those options would likely have a positive result too, but as B said, if you had told us that the last 5 embryos wouldn't turn into babies and that 3 of them would be miscarriages, we wouldn't have believed it. We would've thought, and in fact, we DID think - this is bound to work.

So... I think I could live with: I did always want a sibling for D, my heart ached for it, but I couldn't go thorugh with the risk for continued potential loss.

And I know there are other benefits too:

• I wouldn't have a part-time job anymore (of pursuing another child)
• I could get off my meds and feel better physically (weight-wise, libido-wise)
• We could focus on D (even though we already do)
• We could have closure
• We could pay off our surrogacy debt even though it would be worthwhile to continue to be financially in the hole for another child

But none of the benefits on this list was making me feel settled UNTIL I got to the part about:

• We wouldn't risk future potential loss

Which is really what I think would be too painful.

I also talked to my good friend, A, who IS an only child and I never thought to ask her from her perspective what it's like - my most worrisome thing is having D not be alone in decision making for us later on. And she said she's got her spouse to help make those decisions. And not that it's a guarantee that D would have a partner, but he'd have friends, cousins and others he could bounce his thoughts off of. So that made me feel better.

She also said that growing up she loved being an only child. She liked having all the attention. And now having two girls, she knows that it's that much harder to save for two college educations, etc.

And I also realized that my negative thoughts around D being an only child all stem from my mom's experience. 

Growing up, she didn't have a great childhood and always said she wished she had had a sibling. And then when we moved far away, she felt guilty for leaving her mother "all alone". She emphasized to us that we were all my grandmother had. She encouraged us to call her often and write her letters.

The truth is we weren't all she had. She had 3-4 other sisters she was close with and lived near her. She had a niece who was in the hospital with her for 3 days before my mom could get there before my grandmother passed away. 

So all of this made me feel better that D being an only child doesn't necessarily have to equate bad, and in fact, there are lots of positives to it. 

And I do think I could come to place of peace about it. After all, I haven't made any steps forward and I'm unlikely to.

It's also made me understand my best friend, J, and how she had always wanted to adopt and after their 2nd child, I kept asking her and finally, years later she said, you know if a child just landed in our lives, we'd take it but I don't want to do the work to go and get it. 

And that's how I feel. In a heartbeat, I want and would take a baby if it were placed in my arms but I can't do the emotional work right now and I don't think I can withstand the risk of potential future loss. 

So for now, I'm enjoying it being the 3 of us. It's happy. It can feel peaceful (ha, I say that knowing it's peaceful in a way that includes all the loud happy moments and the tantrums!). And it's us.

xoxo

Dear A

Dear A,

I guess we hadn't settled on your name but I think I knew this is what I wanted it to be. Named after our grandmothers but the boy version. We were going to be a family of A, B, C, D. How cool is that.

I couldn't wait to hold you in August. I've pictured it so many times. I couldn't believe that you were going to get to be D's brother. I was hoping so much that even though you'd be 3 years apart, you'd grow to be close. I really wanted you two to have each other later in life. You know your daddy and I aren't young!

Why couldn't you be healthy? Why couldn't you make it? I just don't understand.

Your autopsy report came back stating that your abdominal wall wasn't forming properly. Why? Why wasn't it?

How did we have this kind of bad luck?

You know it took 10 years to have your brother and then he worked right away with a surrogate, and then we tried 4 other times and it didn't work. And then you, you made it, you made it to a positive test, you made it to a heartbeat, you made it through genetic testing and into the second trimester.

I wasn't even expecting to see you the day we learned you didn't make it but Aunty K had an appt that I hadn't written down and she texted to see if I wanted to video in.

She knew the nurse and the nurse let me see you on the screen, your little head looked so cute. Man, I had been so guarded that first trimester... I had been guarded going into that last cycle. But here we were in the second trimester, on the other side and I was seeing your face, all my dreams were coming true. I had just told everyone at work the day before.

And I didn't even think anything of it when your heartbeat wasn't coming through on the monitor. The nurse made it seem like a technical difficulty and got a different machine out and that's when I saw your face. And I didn't know what was happening other than she was sending Aunty K to another room, I thought to get better images of you... for fun.

That's when I texted your dad a pic of your face and he said I didn't even know there was an appt today. And he said all good? and I gave a thumbs up.

Turns out it wasn't for fun. It was because there was a problem.

When she went to that other room, that's when they said, C, we're so sorry but there isn't a heartbeat. This is where it should be..... and then I didn't really hear much more.

I was in total shock. How was this possible? Was it a mistake? What?????

They already scheduled a D&C for K on that Friday. This was on a Tues. Tues, Feb 18. The day after President's Day. The day after I told my whole company that we were expecting another baby in August.

How is this happening!!!!

I called your dad and told him while I was crying and felt like I may have hyperventilated. I quickly got my stuff out of the office and went down the stairwell and cried some more. But it also just didn't seem real.

Even though I took almost a week off and did all kinds of self care, I still couldn't believe it.

K miscarried the night before her D&C. She said you fell on the bathroom floor and that she could fit you in the palm of her hand.

Oh, little A, why couldn't you make it?

I was going to be so curious as to what you looked like. Were you and Daniel going to look similar? Would you have different features... I pictured you both at the same elementary school together. I really couldn't wait to have you wear some of my fave baby clothes of D's.

How were you not able to make it to us? What are we supposed to learn from this? Why? Why? Why?

You would've loved your brother. He's so fun and funny. He giggles a lot. He loves music and loves to dance. He loooooooves books. And cars. And diggers. He loves being outside. He loves dogs and cats. He's friendly to people, especially bus drivers. He loves to cuddle with me in bed in the mornings.

How would you have been the same? What were you going to be like?

Oh, why can't we still get to meet you in August? I want that chance so badly. I really, really wanted to hold you and see you grow up. And see you and D interact.

I miss you so much. I miss what you could've been. I miss that I never got to be your mom outside K's womb.

And I'm mad. I'm mad that we went through all this work so have you vanish just like that.

It hurts so much. And I also have such a hard time letting it out. Maybe because our lives are so amazing and I am so grateful for what I have, and my guard wasn't down for too long and we've been through so much hurt with building our family that this feels familiar to me.

Yet, it's different because you had a heartbeat and you had a face and I had named you and you were going to be D's brother, and you were going to make all my dreams come true, and you would've been part of our amazing lives. And now you won't get to. And I'm sad about it. I wanted that chance and I won't get it.

It's my birthday today so I wanted to let you know how badly I wanted you, how much I already loved you and would've loved you, how sad I am that I won't get to see you or hold you and that I'll always wish you could've made it.

lots of love,
Maman
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Dear D

My dear little D,

You're 2, will be 3 this summer, and do you know we've been working to bring you a sibling since before you were even born?

We had 5 frozen embryos waiting to be your sibling and I knew how much time it would take that in April, I called our doctor and got an appt that May to talk about getting started again. He suggested we wait 6 months after you were born because adjusting to a new baby can be stressful and he recommended not adding surrogacy stress on top of it.

In August, I went away with Aunty N and Aunty P for Aunty P's girls weekend away before her wedding. During that weekend one of Aunty P's friends asked if we were going to do surrogacy again and we said we were going to contact the agency soon to get started again. That's when Aunty N said 'you know I'd do this for you guys'... and then started the year long journey with Aunty N who had two early miscarriages at 5 1/2 weeks each time.

We had lost 2 girls then. And we were sad.

And we also knew we had 3 more left and Aunty K stepped forward and said she wanted to carry a baby for us. Wow. So we started that year long journey with her. The next two were negative results and they were both the girl ones.

I was devastated. I guess I had always thought I'd have a girl. Knowing we had 4 girl embryos, the odds were in favor after you had worked right away. So I had pictured a girl for about 2 years... and we had the perfect names picked out for a girl after our grandmothers. But it wasn't meant to be. I had to do a lot of grieving after that second cycle with Aunty K.

And I did a lot of pre-grieving too. With 4 in a row not working I thought the chances are pretty low the last one will work. And we'll be happy being a family of 3.

But Aunty K was pregnant, and then they told us the numbers weren't rising appropriately (they were doubling but they wanted it higher than that). Then on Dec 23, I was dumfounded when we saw the heartbeat! And for the next month we were on pins and needles waiting for the genetic testing results to come back.

So finally at the beginning of Feb we were in the clear, into the second trimester, genetic testing behind us, we were feeling so great about your baby brother coming in August. You were going to be 3 years apart. And while we hadn't fully finalized a name, I had one picked out. He was going to be A, so we'd be ABCD altogether.

I kept thinking about what it would be like to hold him, and whether you'd be happy and jealous at the same time, and knowing I'd want to make separate special time for you. I was eager to have a baby again and not be as stressed about it as when I had you and had no idea what I was doing and felt badly when I couldn't calm you down.

I kept thinking that all my dreams were coming true. And I really meant it. I got over that I couldn't carry. You were in our lives and you were/are amazing. And I got over that I wasn't having a girl and I was thrilled to have another boy and looked forward to using all your old clothes on him again, and eager to see what it would be like to have two boys who would be brothers.

And then two weeks later, after I had announced it at work, I just happened to be available for an appt Aunty K was having and I didn't even think anything of it when they couldn't find the heartbeat and went to get another machine. I was so caught off guard when they made Aunty K go to another room with even bigger equipment and said, C, we're so sorry but there isn't a heartbeat.

I was in shock for probably a couple of weeks, even though I took time off for myself.

I couldn't believe this was coming to an end. That at 14.5 weeks of a pregnancy when I had just seen his face on the screen, he wasn't going to come into our lives. You wouldn't have him as a brother.

D, I want you to know that we really didn't want you to be an only child. That we wanted you to grow up with a sibling, to have that companionship both in your youth and into your adulthood. And we know there were no guarantees of what kind of relationship you might have but we wanted to do whatever we could to try, to try for you to have that.

And I know we still could. We could look into adoption or other ways. But we don't know that we have the emotional energy to keep going. We spent 10 years trying to have you, and I froze those embryos when I was almost 41. Today, I'm 45 and I just don't know that we can bring you a sibling in another way.

We love you so much and wish we could've done this for you.

We hope that you grow close to your cousins, to M and S who are closer in age to you, and to D and T, who are older. We hope you grow close to other family friends we have, C and N. And that you and A who have been best buddies since you were 2 months old continue to be good friends. And you'll make other friends that I hope can be there for you the way a sibling can.

Grandmaman was an only child and she said she always wished she had a sibling and that always stayed with me.

I really started our journey wanting 3 kids actually and when it was starting to look like having 1 was going to be challenging, I brought my expectations down to 2, and it turns out it's 1 for now. You. And you are more than we could've ever expected to have. You've made me a mom and you've made our dreams come true and you bring us so much joy. You are so fun and sweet and observant.

We love you so much
xoxo

Grief Stuck Inside

I've got all this grief I need to get out and it feels like it's hard for it to come out. Not sure why. Might be the anti-depressants make it hard to access my extreme feelings. Might be that I'm busy with a toddler or work. Might be that I back away from it if I get too close to it.

Turns out K didn't need the D&C that day a month ago. She miscarried in the bathroom and went for 3 check-ups afterwards, and then she still needed a D&C this past Monday. So for a month it was still ongoing for her, and for me.

I had online therapy on Friday to help get it out and that definitely helped. I cried within the first two mins and then kept crying for the whole time. She asked at the end what would I be afraid of if I got too close to the grief?

I don't know. That I'd break down. But I know I need to in order to move forward.

She suggested I write a letter to D about it since I'm sad he won't have a sibling, at least this way. And that's the other hard part too, is I don't know if we're done yet. I think we are but I can't say 100%.

And she also suggested I write a letter to my baby. My baby that didn't make it.

So here it goes...

Still Processing

K was having the D&C at 11am today.

I took the rest of the week off for self care.

Tues evening was nice, we took D out for ice cream which ended up being our dinner which felt perfect. I also took a nice long bath and went to sleep with am.bien that evening.

Wed, I woke up at 4:30am, went for a 4 mile run at 7am, worked out of a coffee shop in the morning, had therapy at 1pm and then watched one of my fave shows and tried to nap. I then took D out to a kitty cafe which took 2 busses to get to, which is fun bc he loves public transportation. Turns out there was an age requirement for the cafe so we went to dinner nearby and took a bus, the metro and another bus home, so transportation was our entertainment for the evening.

Thurs, I met my pastor for a 2 hour coffee with my running clothes on so I could go for a 6 mile run home. I took the best bath then went to get a pedi and went back to the kitty cafe by myself and bought myself new running pants, and then walked 2 miles home.

Today has been a relaxing morning with D and his friend while our nanny had a docs appt and I'm going to go ice skating this afternoon. And tomorrow we are going to go as a family to a trampoline park.

I feel like I'm doing all the restorative, refueling and self care things I need to do.

I've been texting with K, with family and friends and it's all felt good. I posted on my surrogacy moms group and on my church's joys and concerns page. I feel incredibly supported.

And I feel somber. This just sucks. I really wanted this sibling for D. I was enjoying starting to picture him.

And at the same time, I feel that I've been so guarded that it just feels like another checkmark on the miscarriage list. What is this one? 13? 10 for me, 2 for N and 1 for K?

I've been through a lot already. And I am a mom. I have D. And I have all the things to be grateful for in this world.

A few days ago I turned in a Lenten devotional I wrote about how when something hard hits again I hope that I can still turn to God and feel grateful. And on Tues evening, I had to remember my own words. And on my run Wed morning, I did just that. I said, why, God? and I also said, thank you, God.

We lost the baby

I can hardly believe it. I thought we had turned a corner with the genetic testing results and moving into the second trimester. I had just announced it at a company All Hands on Monday. I never expected this to happen.

Yesterday K had the first monthly check up and they couldn't find the heartbeat.

It seems unreal. I know I was having a hard time pivoting to the joy but I'm wondering now if there was a reason for that.

Apparently the baby was measuring normally so the heart stopped beating fairly recently. K is going to have a D&C (I can't imagine what that's like at 14.5 weeks) on Friday and they will do an autopsy. We thought we'd do that just in case it can glean anything for what D might have that hasn't been detected yet.

How does a fetus make it 14.5 weeks only to have this happen? We did genetic testing on the embryos and then on the fetus. I just don't get it.

And at the same time, I want to jump into adoption and tell someone to put a baby in my arms by August. We're so ready.

(And yet we're not. B definitely isn't and had me promise to not talk about it for two weeks. And logistically we'd need to move the way our rooms are configured to make it happen since D is not in a legal room right now. But anyway...)

I'm still just stunned. It's 5am and despite taking meds I can't sleep right now (I'll definitely nap this afternoon).

D won't have a biological sibling. His brother didn't make it.

And we'll be ok. Of course we will. But this isn't what we've been trying so hard for with him.

And how did he make it and the rest didn't? He was the first that worked right away and the 5 other embryos didn't. What a miracle that he did.

We came home early last night and took him out for ice cream for dinner. The best was when he got a big amount on his spoon and giggled really loudly as though surprised there could be that much ice cream on his spoon! It was super fun and just what we needed. (And then he threw up at the park, so fitting).

Where do we go from here? How do we process this?

I'm taking today off. I scheduled a 1pm therapy appt. I'm going to go for a run this morning. And I'm not going to work today and potentially the rest of the week. At least not in person. I don't want to interact with others.

D is such a miracle to us. We just wanted him to have a miracle sibling too.

We Are Having a Healthy Baby!!!

I can hardly believe it. We're having a healthy baby!!!

The genetic test results came in yesterday and they are normal.

Big breath, sigh of relief, tears from B. It really feels unreal. Surreal.

My dreams are coming true!!!!!

I knew it was irrational for me to have to wait for this test after our embryos had been PGS tested but I've just been through too much and just needed that extra validation.

(All of that plus seeing the video of the baby at 10 weeks and having this test happen so late was causing me such anxiety as to what would happen if something were to show up in the results... I've needed lots of klono.pin and am.bien these last couple of weeks).

But we're here now and holy moly, D is going to be a big brother!!!

Seriously, after all we've been through and after all the emotional work I did in the fall thinking that the last embryo would likely not work after 4 past failed attempts, I really can't believe we are here and having a baby around August 14.

It's hard to describe but pivoting from this isn't happening for us to it is happening for us is weird, an amazing weird, but still very weird.

Like I got used to thinking not everything happens for everyone and being super ok with that, knowing that B, D and I would have an amazing life together and that that was enough.

But now the universe is telling me ALL my dreams are coming true? That we will have a second biological child? That just seems like a HUGE amount of icing on the cake...

(Though my therapist would argue all of our dreams are NOT coming true - this is NOT the way we wanted our family planning to go, I've had to mourn the loss of not having a biological girl AND I had always wanted 3 kids).

But wow - having two biological kids.... AFTER everything we've been through???? That IS amazing. It's incredible. It IS all my dreams coming true. It feels like I won the lottery, like I'm on top of a mountain, like having so much sugar stuffed in my mouth, like love exploding from my heart, like I somehow don't deserve it when not everyone's dreams come true.

It's such a complicated feeling... that I am grateful to experience.

And I'm so ready for my therapy sessions to be about pivoting to the joy now.